Guests haven't RSVPd for Xmas drinks and food

[SoDemure]

For the past few years, post covid, we have been out Xmas day and then hosted friends for drinks and a buffet in the evening (cheese board, gammon, roast potatoes, etc).

Made new friends this year and they seemed very keen to join when we mentioned this back in the summer. I couldn't confirm until late as we're having work done on the house but, last week, I text to say we're definitely going ahead with drinks etc and would love for them to join. They had already told us they were just home for Xmas, very local to us.

The wife said she would check with her husband. Fine, no worries. Her husband saw mine later in the week and said "we'll let you know".

They still haven't confirmed and I'm not sure whether to chase them or not.

It makes a slight difference as to how much food I prepare as they are big eaters with older teens, and I would be mortified if I hadn't prepared enough food.

I think they're being very rude not to confirm either way. Even if food wasn't an issue, surely it's not that difficult to say yes or no after you've had a week to think about it?

I know I can call or text to chase them, but am being a bit petty as I think they should be the ones to politely RSVP.

I don't get it. It's so much ruder to not bother to reply than to say "no".

It's not about being rude. It's about not being able to be confrontational. You're on MN where 99% of posts are about not being able to say what you mean.

Hi, 👋🏻 I'm heading out food shopping today for Christmas Day and numbers wise assuming you and family won't be able to come this year, if you are planning to come I need to know now! 😁. If not have a fantastic Christmas and all the best in 2025 ❤️ Will catch up with you at a later date xx

I wouldn't chase them, I'd assume they weren't coming. They are very rude not to let you know. If they do turn up you could say it's lovely to see them but you hadn't expected them so there might not be as much to eat as they might have anticipated, because they didn't finalise things with you. That should give them the message.
I'd actually then never invite them again and would want to cool the friendship. Real friends don't mess people around like this.

I won't chase them as it looks needy and I won't stoop to a PA nudge either, as tempting as that is! It's awkward as there is a semi professional nature to the friendship too.

I'll have enough food to bung in the oven / do a quick stir fry if needed.

But I'll think twice before inviting them again.

Or simply - Hey, need to confirm numbers today for the get-together on Christmas night so let me know if you can make or not. Thanks!

So rude, but I think it’s possible they think it’s a free option that you will be hosting anyway (without considering how much prepping and food is needed)

Clearly this wouldn’t inspire me to invite them again, but it may be crossed wires. People can be staggering rude at this time of year. We went to a party last night and half the guests left for another party at 9.30pm 😬

I really wouldn't bother with them.

I wouldn’t chase, it makes you look desperate for numbers.

I’ve seen me agreeing to plans months ahead and say that’s great bla bla and at the time I mean it, but as the time gets closer more often than not I’ve changed my mind.

And were you not taught as a child that, you need to honour your commitments even if you don't fancy it closer to the time ?

I’d message “hi, food shopping today for christmas- if I don’t hear back I’ll assume you’re not coming! Have a lovely christmas “ and leave it at that

This.

I hate how people seem to be very flakey these days and want to be able to decide on the day if they can be bothered/have a better offer. Make a commitment and stick to it unless ill!

This is exactly what I’d do.

Turning down an invitation isn't bloody confrontational though. I'm rather 🙄 at anybody who thinks it is really!

Preferring to be rude over simply responding isn't on.

i am one of those people who hates phone calls but I really don’t understand why you wouldn’t just call in these circumstances and say “I am just planning food and wanted to check if you were coming or not” . I wouldn’t text (unless they don’t pick up phone) as then you are just waiting on another reply.

It’s a totally normal thing to do and not needy at all. It would be needy if you were ringing when the event was ages away but it’s not now!

I'm not sure how much clearer I can be. Some people can't stand telling people they can't do something.

You must have read thread after thread on here where someone is overwhelmed at the thought of saying no or telling the truth. They can't even tell their husbands to pitch in, they'd rather martyr themselves.

For some people, turning down an invitation is too much and they just avoid you rather than have to say they can't do something. I'm surprised you haven't come across this before as it's quite common.

Yes, it's a bit rude when they've said they'll let you know. Especially when there's a number of them. But I expect it's a case of not being entirely sure of timings on Christmas Day (maybe they unsure if their Christmas Day visitors (parents??) will have gone by the time yours starts or will stay for the evening? Whether they can leave in time without seeming rude if they go elsewhere etc)

However, your choice now is to contact her and ask (again) or cater either or without them included (so not enough food or loads left over).

so it's your problem now, whether they are rude or not. Contact her or make a catering decision.

Assume they're not coming and send a message along the lines of... We hope you have a wonderful Christmas and we'll see you in the new year x

They have already confirmed they're not coming.

"I'll check with my husband" and "We'll let you know" is the adult equivalent of saying to a child, "We'll see." It's a no.

They found it easy to be keen in the summer because they didn't think you'd remember six months later.

I have on Mumsnet, which is populated by a whole load of strange people. Not IRL, thankfully. I think they're bloody idiots, frankly!

They need some re-education in social niceties, IMO.

No it doesn't.

would you rather risk having undercateredbifvtheyvdhiw up?

it ALL your guests that'll miss out if you do, not just these people.

For a lot of people it's deep rooted scarring from replaying the intense feelings they had of being rejected themselves in the past, and the thought of putting that on someone else is too much - even for something comparatively very minor - as it still creates the same feelings.

I agree with this - some people are incapable of saying no. But, I wish they would realise that dithering about and not saying anything is far ruder in the long run than a simple "oh thanks- sounds great but unfortunately we cant make it". People pleasing pisses people off in a far more visceral manner than just saying thanks but no thanks because noone ever knows how they really feel and it comes across as very inauthentic and flaky.

OP- I would assume they arent coming and I wouldnt bother asking them again.

I'd imagine for the majority it's just rudeness rather than something quite so deep, frankly!

Yep. So many excuses cited on here. Just plain rude.