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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Guests haven't RSVPd for Xmas drinks and food

136 replies

SoDemure · 22/12/2024 10:39

For the past few years, post covid, we have been out Xmas day and then hosted friends for drinks and a buffet in the evening (cheese board, gammon, roast potatoes, etc).

Made new friends this year and they seemed very keen to join when we mentioned this back in the summer. I couldn't confirm until late as we're having work done on the house but, last week, I text to say we're definitely going ahead with drinks etc and would love for them to join. They had already told us they were just home for Xmas, very local to us.

The wife said she would check with her husband. Fine, no worries. Her husband saw mine later in the week and said "we'll let you know".

They still haven't confirmed and I'm not sure whether to chase them or not.

It makes a slight difference as to how much food I prepare as they are big eaters with older teens, and I would be mortified if I hadn't prepared enough food.

I think they're being very rude not to confirm either way. Even if food wasn't an issue, surely it's not that difficult to say yes or no after you've had a week to think about it?

I know I can call or text to chase them, but am being a bit petty as I think they should be the ones to politely RSVP.

OP posts:
Sofabodatgym · 22/12/2024 12:48

It's rude. But very much a thing.

I was hosting a (non xmas) party w/food a few years back and about 50% were 'I'll let you know''s which came to about 30 heads inc kids. I didn't do a head count but about 4 families/15 individuals of that 50% turned up.

I figured I just wouldn't ever do a big food thing again. As I found it too stressful not knowing what quantities. Like you, I didn't care whether people were a yes or a no, I just wanted to know. I think it's about people wanting their options open and issues with commitment as well as simply not wanting to come. Just drinks and crisps going forward.

Bournetilly · 22/12/2024 12:49

Chase them up, you don’t look needy you need to know for a reason. They are rude, if they can’t come then just say so.

Echo21 · 22/12/2024 12:49

So rude OP I would always expect a reply and especially right now. Would re-evaluate my relationship with said folk either way

Jaehee · 22/12/2024 12:50

loudbatperson · 22/12/2024 12:17

I get your pain, I'm still waiting on confirmation from someone for Christmas dinner, and that's the person with very specific dietary needs, which I don't mind catering for, but I would like to know if I have to!

Have they provided a reason for the delay? I'm struggling to think of an excuse for not giving you a straight yes or no beyond 'I am waiting for a better offer'. A 'maybe' would be acceptable if they were on call.

I no longer have any tolerance for people like this.

Ilikeadrink14 · 22/12/2024 12:52

Namechangeobviously2024 · 22/12/2024 10:57

I'd assume they weren't coming. If they did turn up I am not sure I'd be able to resist looking astonished and saying "Oh, I didn't realise you were coming! I'm so sorry, I don't think we have enough food for you. Do come in and have a drink though." And never invite them again.

This is priceless! I don’t think I could pluck up the courage to do it though! I wish!

TwinkleLights24 · 22/12/2024 12:59

Leave it. It translates to a no imo.

Eddielizzard · 22/12/2024 13:06

Incredibly rude. Would not chase them, and would not invite again

MyDeftDuck · 22/12/2024 13:09

Realistically, if people have had Christmas dinner, would anyone seriously eat a great deal later in the day?
In your situation I wouldn't chase them up again.......assume they aren't coming and cater for those who are. If they show up simply point out that they can have a drink but there's not much left to eat.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/12/2024 13:11

username299 · 22/12/2024 12:46

"Hi, nice you could make it. We didn't cater for you but you're welcome to a drink."

Ha ha. Make them be the only ones not eating? A bit difficult in reality. OP's solution of having some food that can be prepared last minute is the best one.

Bogginsthe3rd · 22/12/2024 13:11

SoDemure · 22/12/2024 11:43

I won't chase them as it looks needy and I won't stoop to a PA nudge either, as tempting as that is! It's awkward as there is a semi professional nature to the friendship too.

I'll have enough food to bung in the oven / do a quick stir fry if needed.

But I'll think twice before inviting them again.

Madness. Just ask them. Some mumsnetters are weird.

Pluvia · 22/12/2024 13:12

I'd send a text saying:

'Hi Dan/ Emma, this is your last chance to confirm that you'll be coming to 6pm Christmas Day drinks with us. We'd love to see you but if I don't hear anything from you by 8pm today I'll take it that you're not coming and adjust the catering accordingly. If we're not going to see you, have a great Christmas and we'll catch up in 2025.' Perhaps they don't realise that you're planning a meal and were hoping to play it by ear.

MikeRafone · 22/12/2024 13:13

SoDemure · 22/12/2024 10:39

For the past few years, post covid, we have been out Xmas day and then hosted friends for drinks and a buffet in the evening (cheese board, gammon, roast potatoes, etc).

Made new friends this year and they seemed very keen to join when we mentioned this back in the summer. I couldn't confirm until late as we're having work done on the house but, last week, I text to say we're definitely going ahead with drinks etc and would love for them to join. They had already told us they were just home for Xmas, very local to us.

The wife said she would check with her husband. Fine, no worries. Her husband saw mine later in the week and said "we'll let you know".

They still haven't confirmed and I'm not sure whether to chase them or not.

It makes a slight difference as to how much food I prepare as they are big eaters with older teens, and I would be mortified if I hadn't prepared enough food.

I think they're being very rude not to confirm either way. Even if food wasn't an issue, surely it's not that difficult to say yes or no after you've had a week to think about it?

I know I can call or text to chase them, but am being a bit petty as I think they should be the ones to politely RSVP.

Its rude, regardless of whether you are preparing food or not - just answer the flipping invitation

Text them

Hi, haven't heard back from you with regards the invitation on Xmas day - I will take it you're not attending and not cater for you, if I've not heard by 11 am tomorrow Monday 23rd. Merry Xmas & Happy New Year.

username299 · 22/12/2024 13:14

Gwenhwyfar · 22/12/2024 13:11

Ha ha. Make them be the only ones not eating? A bit difficult in reality. OP's solution of having some food that can be prepared last minute is the best one.

That's what happens when you don't let people know what you're doing. They don't cater for you.

MikeRafone · 22/12/2024 13:15

I won't chase them as it looks needy and I won't stoop to a PA nudge either, as tempting as that is!

Its not chasing someone for an RSPV and certainly not needy - its plane rude not to reply. Its also not passive aggressive to ask for an answer

Gwenhwyfar · 22/12/2024 13:20

MikeRafone · 22/12/2024 13:15

I won't chase them as it looks needy and I won't stoop to a PA nudge either, as tempting as that is!

Its not chasing someone for an RSPV and certainly not needy - its plane rude not to reply. Its also not passive aggressive to ask for an answer

No, it's fair enough to remind people to reply to things. Sometimes people think they've already done it, but haven't really.

SoDemure · 22/12/2024 13:26

There is no way I could refuse them food if they turned up, that goes against all my principles of good hosting!

If it was a catered event (e.g we were paying per head) then I would call and chase but just for a casual buffet I'm going to leave it and see what they do. I know it's petty but if they don't RSVP at all, then at least I know what kind of people they are!

OP posts:
Doliveira · 22/12/2024 13:27

Of course you don’t chase them up. Send a message saying Happy Christmas and New Year, see you in 2025, xx

They don’t want to come, they’re rude, don’t invite again.

roses2 · 22/12/2024 13:33

Some people are just thoughtless and don't confirm until the day before.

I would text and say "let me know by x time if you can come so I buy enough food" then if they don't respond you can assume they are not coming.

Feelingstrange2 · 22/12/2024 13:37

Depending on your type of buffet, you.could make some Christmas sausage rolls (add cranberry sauce and chopped chestnuts) and make with pre made puff pastry and freeze. Small ones are quick to cook directly from frozen if you need a top.up of food.

I always make these for Christmas as the family will go.out for walks with the dog and get back starving! I ask them to text when they are close by and throw them in so they are out and ready when they get back. They go down a treat!

BrittlePeanut · 22/12/2024 13:44

As you have spoken to the woman and your husband has talked to the man, could be that they both think the other has confirmed? I would check as there could possibly have been a bit of confusion on their end.

Deesmond · 22/12/2024 13:46

Why is it wrong to chase here? I would definitely chase, and give a deadline! Say, please let me know by 5pm today if you are free to come. If I don’t hear back, I’ll assume it’s a no, and look forward to catching up in the new year.

no way would I be hanging on for such twerps.

StepAwayFromMyCoffee · 22/12/2024 13:47

YABU. Just message them 🙄 Obviously they’re rude by not contacting you but you’re just making things difficult for yourself by fretting over whether they’re coming or not. If they don’t reply then don’t buy food ‘in case’ they come. It’s their problem if there isn’t enough 🤷‍♀️

AlexisP90 · 22/12/2024 13:48

Not unreasonable. Just text them.

"Hey xx. Just wondering if you were going to be joining for the Christmas evening buffet? Need to start preparing so looking at numbers. If you can let me know by Monday eve would be hugely appreciated.
Thanks"

If they don't reply by given time, don't cater for them.

Some people are too polite to say no until there is an urgency.

Some people are just flippant about these things.

Either way, let them know that now you NEED to know.

Not rude, just realistic.

thegirlwithemousyhair · 22/12/2024 13:57

They're not coming. If they were, they would've contacted you.

Its rude and thoughtless but a sign of the times and at least you know to avoid them.

Assume they're not coming because they won't so I would make the decision and draw a line under it - you can do without the stress.

Mix56 · 22/12/2024 13:57

as above poster wrote "Guess you can't make it on X day, not to worry, another time!'

is all you need