Guests haven't RSVPd for Xmas drinks and food

[SoDemure]

For the past few years, post covid, we have been out Xmas day and then hosted friends for drinks and a buffet in the evening (cheese board, gammon, roast potatoes, etc).

Made new friends this year and they seemed very keen to join when we mentioned this back in the summer. I couldn't confirm until late as we're having work done on the house but, last week, I text to say we're definitely going ahead with drinks etc and would love for them to join. They had already told us they were just home for Xmas, very local to us.

The wife said she would check with her husband. Fine, no worries. Her husband saw mine later in the week and said "we'll let you know".

They still haven't confirmed and I'm not sure whether to chase them or not.

It makes a slight difference as to how much food I prepare as they are big eaters with older teens, and I would be mortified if I hadn't prepared enough food.

I think they're being very rude not to confirm either way. Even if food wasn't an issue, surely it's not that difficult to say yes or no after you've had a week to think about it?

I know I can call or text to chase them, but am being a bit petty as I think they should be the ones to politely RSVP.

I'd just send a quick message saying something like:

Hi Name, just wondering what you and DH drink?

So not a chase exactly but she'll know you mean the party so gives them a chance to reply if they are/are not coming along and no pressure either way.

I think this is the best

I don't think you're being realistic inviting them so late - anything after late November is too late and it puts people on the spot.

it was probably unrealistic given what you said about doing work on your house, so you shouldn't have invited them this year, especially as they're very new friends and you don't know what their family set up is.

Plus i agree that saying no is difficult for some people. It doesn't make them the world's rudest people, it's just uncomfortable, especially as they are new friends and don't want to reject you.

Absolutely this. Drives me bonkers especially if organising my diary around a maybe/ probably.

I would do this too - if they turn up and you don't have enough food it's on them

I would do this. It stops just short of being passive agressive, while ensuring you're not left hanging.

Very rude not to reply either way

as an aside though I’d hate to be committed to a social event with new friends on Christmas Day evening!

I think I would tell them you’re doing the food shop tomorrow morning so can they let you know by then if they’re planning to come.

I feel this is sort of thing where Mr thinks Mrs is doing and vice versa, it could all be a confusion. I could totally imagine me asking DP his availability him dithering for some reason, deciding yes and telling me, then telling me he’d seen your DH who’d reminded him about the Xmas eve party and me assuming he means he’s confirmed. Whilst he assumes I’m in charge of that as woman arrange most things.

@Doliveira has it. Perfect message!

This -
He thinks his wife has "Okay'ed" it , She thinks the husband said to yours that they'll attend .

I;d just send a quick text to check then leave it .

"We'll let you know " might be a "No we;re waiting for a better offer " though.

Id probably have replied after "we'll let you know" with "lovely, if you'd want to join for food let me know by the 22nd, but either way feel free to drop in for the drinks and games!"
Agree they're probably assuming it's casual drop in and waiting to see how they feel

I wouldn’t say’sorry to hassle you’ when they are the ones who should apologise. Just Please let us know if you’re coming as we need final numbers this evening- thanks. That’s clear that if you don’t hear, it’s a No.

I still don't understand why op is cooking gammon, roast potatoes etc on Xmas day evening when most people will presumably have had a big Xmas lunch - or prefer to stay at home and have a proper Xmas dinner.

It's going to be impossible to cater accurately even for people who have confirmed as there's no way of knowing how hungry they might be.

The people who haven't responded might assume it's a casual drinks and finger food event - drop in if you've not slipped into a food coma by xmas evening - and not realise how important it is to op that they know exact numbers. Catering for large numbers is difficult I know so best to keep the menu flexible.

So now it’s OP’s fault for inviting them…FFS let’s not make life any more difficult than it needs to be. Not responding makes them rude- just text back no. You don’t have to speak to anyone…
I wonder how people actually function in everyday life.

Yep. And they're relatively new in that we've known them well for about 18 months or so. Been out to dinner, parties, late night drinking at each other's house. We know each other's family set ups fairly well.

For those saying I don't need to do food, we're only kicking off from evening so it's very likely people will be in the mood for grazing. And I would never ever host without food.

It could be that they each thought the other confirmed. Will ask DH to text the guy to check in I think.

No answer is an answer

I wouldn't waste your money, if they show up just say oh apologies there isn't much I didn't have confirmation you were coming

This.

Did you hear from them OP?

Maybe they don't know you well enough to know how to say they don't want to come. Personally I wouldn't go out on Chritmas evening either, strange time to host when everyone is full of Christmas lunch.

Meh. We've done it for a few years now with a couple of families and some singletons joining. They like it which is partly why we do it each year.

You are not being unreasonable, but I have this problem a lot. I am very sociable but my husband is not. So I find invitations very hard to answer. Frustratingly he often enjoys himself if I can get him out. My close friends I can explain to, less close it can be hard. We are seldom invited to things nowadays and I don’t blame people!

I would just text them:
You are probably not coming, but I am just texting you to confirm that.

OP, never underestimate people's capacity to let you down .

Did they come OP?