DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

[Ifinkyourefreaky]

My ds 25 and dd 16 dad died yesterday, he's my exh. His diagnosis was 6 weeks ago and he went downhill rapidly. My DP of 7years had been doing lifts to and from hospital as he's the only one that drives out of us all.
My dd lives with me and ds lived with his dad.
My dp was already in a mood with me yesterday morning and then last minute through in that we needed to get my dd to the hospital ASAP before her DF died as she really wanted to say goodbye to him and he had only a couple of hours left if that.
My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life, It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.
He relented, complained on the way to hospital that he's just a taxi driver for everyone and he doesn't have to be doing this ect..... He dropped us at the hospital....30min drive and told us to find our own way home.

I'm I being unreasonable to think that if he was annoyed/angry he should have just kept his mouth shut and sucked it up for one more day, as he made the whole thing so much more traumatic for my daughter.

I kept saying to him, this is not the time for you to be venting at us now can you please stop.

I can't speak to him or see him right now, I'm so angry with him. He doesn't live with us BTW.

He's a fully assed grown up man - old enough in fact to have retired.

And it wasn't his place to have an opinion on whether the OP's DD was with her dad when he died.

If he had a problem with the lifts, then he should have said so at a less critical juncture.

He was downright cruel.

The OP is planning on marrying him - or was.

@wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting I’m not disagreeing with you. That’s the reality when someone panics or can’t deal with a phobia or past trauma though, they can behave horribly. You can be mature and reasonable the rest of the time, but in that moment, you fall apart.

I’m not suggesting that it’s acceptable, just explaining what can happen. I’m a fully assed grown woman and a good parent most of the time, but when I’m confronted with my phobia, I’m an irrational mess. Luckily it’s never hurt anyone and my family understands.

Anyway, the OP needs to decide whether to continue the relationship.

This is up there of one of the worst threads/scenarios I've read on mumsnet that a 'dear partner' has done.

100% Get rid.

Sounds like a typical example of a man kicking off because it’s not all about him.
Has he got form for doing this OP? For example around other people’s birthdays or if they’re getting praise for something?

Also, good luck with your driving test

He wasn't very kind but you are putting too much on him. He's a boyfriend, he doesn't even live with you. You should have booked a taxi the second you noticed he didn't want to do it. This one is mostly on you, OP, sorry. As the parent, you should have taken control of the situation more quickly.

It wasn't his place, but we don't all react perfectly under pressure.

The OP was planning on marrying him. She's said her DD hates getting in cars with strangers (but is capable of getting a taxi as she's done this a few times) and suffers from anxiety. DD is happy for him to drive her around. He's driven her around loads, especially since her DF has been sick. All of this suggest that he's close to the girl and understands what her struggles are.

He didn't refuse to take her on the grounds he was fed up but that he didn't want to scar her for life.

It's entirely possible that based on the above and his own traumatic experience of watching a relative die, he was trying to act out of kindness, and was lashing out as no one was taking his opinion seriously, and he wanted to protect the girl.

I don't think it was his call. Given her age, I think it was DD's call. Ultimately, he took her because she insisted - not because the OP did.

But I'm not sure he should be written off as easily as some posters are suggesting.

People always say they want to be with a loved one when they die, but it's absolutely horrific to watch when they die from something they've been fighting for a while. Death doesn't always come quickly, even after The Call. It's messy and it's horrible, and it means your final memory of a loved one is them looking like a version of themselves that doesn't reflect your life with them. Witnessing the actual moment when they die is haunting.

I'm glad I was there and yet hate every part of that memory. It's complex. I can see why an adult would want to shield a child with poor mental health from that pain.

He could very well have been trying to kind. Why assume he was trying to be cruel?

As for being a grown up human - well, so am I. But I don't think I'll ever not feel scared for life. I'm crying writing this post, that's how strong those emotions still are, and I think will always be.

DD was always going to be devastated. Maybe DP was trying to make her a tiny bit less devastated but didn't handle it correctly.

🤣🤣

The OP's partner has entered the convo!

@Errors Hmm, it doesn’t sound like an accurate description of this particular man. Taking DD to appointments for her heart hasn’t been about him either, nor were the previous trips to see her Dad.

Not excusing what he did, but this doesn’t sound typical of him, hence the OP is so shocked.

catch up

So many over the top reactions from people who don't even know this man.

The girl's dad was literally dying and he chose that moment to suddenly kick off about it. If he had a problem being the only driver he should raise it at a more appropriate time. I dont think the issue here was him being a chauffeur, sounds like he was jealous of a dying man. Tragic!

I've reported VacuumPacked comments on this thread. They are way OTT and not helpful.

I do not think OP is unreasonable. Her DP could have chosen any other day to decide to stop being a taxi service but he chose this one day.

On the surface, it appears DP is jealous of a [now] dead man, and the attention he is [was] receiving.

Most decent people would swallow their pride and support their family. Irrespective of past trauma. In fact, if he’s experienced similar he should be even more aware of how important these moments are to DD.

Having been in this position with my best friend & getting to her as she died, let me tell you, I would drive an anyone in the night to get them to a loved one be with them as they die.

Catch up what? Maybe you can do a precis?

I'm another who says he may have a point about the driving.

But a decent human being would take ANYONE to say their last goodbye to a parent who needed a lift. It shouldn't be a question when it's your DPs DD.

It was not the time or place to make a point or point score.

I think 2025 is the year you look for someone who is better support and if you are able - you learn to drive.

I would imagine she probably will remember him grumbling. It would stick in my mind if I was going through something horrendous like visiting a dying parent I lost just hours later, and someone acted like an a*hole about giving me a lift to the hospital. It's during hard times, other people's behaviour matters most. If someone offers support, you never forget it and means a lot. Same with if someone behaves badly, that sticks with you too.

Some stress from the situation will have impacted on him in the past few weeks for sure, however this isn't about him. The girl was about to lose her dad, and then her mum's partner, the poor thing, was annoyed about giving lifts, boo hoo.

I wouldn't be going out my way to talk to him about it, I'd be talking to my daughter first and foremost to see what her thought are about his behaviour that day. If she feels she can forgive and move on from it, fair enough. However, if she feels she can't forgive the partner, that relationship would be over, no question.

Oh sorry missed your post where you said you take test next month. Best of luck.

@EmotionalSupportCuttlefish ESC this thread has now run out of steam as lengthy ones tend to do - your post sounds petulant considering none of my posts
are OTT and are exceedingly helpful.

I reported an extremely offensive post earlier which was removed and why
we have the facility, not so that posters with whom you do not agree can have
their remarks magically whisked away.

He is the centre point of todays me first culture.

If you can't count on your partner in times of trouble who can you count on.

He appears to have absolutely no empathy for DD whose pain was far greater than that inflicted by driving someone to the hospital.

I don't think I could date someone so heartless and cruel.

Absolute cunt. He may have been traumatised by being present at the death of a loved one, but he only needed to stop at the hospital, he wasn't expected to go in presumably. And to expect a 16 year old to get a taxi home after saying goodbye to her dying father - that's utterly unforgivable.
If you stay in this relationship, you're basically saying to your kids that it's OK for your partner to treat both you and them like shit.

So you are planning on marrying this awful man who treated your daughter disgracefully as her father is dying, a young wonan with mental health issues?

And foisting him on her and your son in their home?
I would rethink that if I were you.
He sounds awful.

14 lifts to hospital over the space of 6 weeks is not a lot.

This man is the OP's fiancé. If he can't be fucked to do this for a woman he is intending to marry, than what the fuck will he do?

And treating a 16 year old in this way is utterly reprehensible - an absolute relationship-ender for me.

Wow!!! I did not expect so many responses. I've tried hard to read them all and really appreciate the support and advice offered here. Some really good points, not sure about some of the hate comments towards my partner, some are a bit extreme! I really appreciate the ones seeing it from my partners perspective also, as there are 2 sides to every story, and his side seems to have been picked up on by quiet a few people and that helps me see things from his perspective.
I've a lot to think about and think I will take a step back from this relationship.
It doesn't really matter who's to blame, obviously something is not working.
Thank you everyone, much appreciated!

I think it's a good idea to take a step back from the relationship.

Your poor daughter will never forget what he said and likely not forgive him.

If you do decide to stay with him, I think it would be wise to continue living apart until your daughter is an adult and has moved out.