DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

[Ifinkyourefreaky]

My ds 25 and dd 16 dad died yesterday, he's my exh. His diagnosis was 6 weeks ago and he went downhill rapidly. My DP of 7years had been doing lifts to and from hospital as he's the only one that drives out of us all.
My dd lives with me and ds lived with his dad.
My dp was already in a mood with me yesterday morning and then last minute through in that we needed to get my dd to the hospital ASAP before her DF died as she really wanted to say goodbye to him and he had only a couple of hours left if that.
My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life, It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.
He relented, complained on the way to hospital that he's just a taxi driver for everyone and he doesn't have to be doing this ect..... He dropped us at the hospital....30min drive and told us to find our own way home.

I'm I being unreasonable to think that if he was annoyed/angry he should have just kept his mouth shut and sucked it up for one more day, as he made the whole thing so much more traumatic for my daughter.

I kept saying to him, this is not the time for you to be venting at us now can you please stop.

I can't speak to him or see him right now, I'm so angry with him. He doesn't live with us BTW.

He’s not unreasonable to be pissed off in general about being expected to drive you everywhere. He was foolish to agree to it, but I’m not surprised that resentment has been building.

He’s unreasonable to choose this particular moment to vent his trauma and frustrations and make your DD’s dad’s death about him. Having a legitimate complaint does not negate the fact that he chose to behave like this over something so horribly traumatic for your daughter.

I can't get my head around a partner getting shitty about this I really can't. Would anyone really make someone they profess to care about find their own way to a dying relative if they didn't have to? Really?

Sounds like the driving demand was pretty triggering to him in terms of his own trauma.

Was that maybe also why he was already in a mood with you?

You don’t sound very grateful for the previous six weeks of sucking it up. Seems to me that no time has been devoted to checking in with DP and now your response to his not being able to cope is that he has no right to his feelings.

I agree with @anyolddinosaur. If he is traumatized by seeing a relative die, he probably panicked and in moments of panic, people do say crappy things to try and get out of doing something. I have a phobic and if there’s any possibility that I’ll be confronted with it, I can be completely horrible tbh as I want to do is run away.

But he’s certainly screwed up big time. He should’ve kept his mouth shut and if he really couldn’t handle it, he should’ve said sorry, I can’t do this, please get a taxi.

You need to talk this through and decide whether you still want to be with him. Overall, he does sound quite supportive. If this is one instance of unkindness among many acts of kindness, you might be able to forgive him.

Regardless of whether OP drives or not (she’s already mentioned her test is soon if you read the thread) her partner is a piece of shit and is absolutely disgusting for making the daughter feel worse for wanting to see her dying dad. Can’t believe you’re only picking up on the fact she can’t drive rather than how vile the partner is.

You mean you're not going to dump him after this?

She said she's taking her test next month....

this was about a child who lost her father THAT DAY. Adults have to find a way to cope with their emotions without blowing up all over a child who is losing her father that day.

as a society we make too many excuses for the actions of adults.

if he can’t control his feeling to this extent he shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone who has children. He should be in therapy.

That’s what I’m wondering @KTheGrey . He was supportive up to that moment, giving multiple lifts, but then he snapped. Why? I’m guessing he was triggered and panicked.
As I said upthread, I have a phobic and if I’m put in that situation, I can be horrible tbh as I’m genuinely panicking and want to run away.

He showed his true colours didn’t he. But has he seen someone die was it bringing something up for him? It sounds like he panicked and couldn’t be around death. Or has control issues. I think it would be wise for some of you to learn to drive.

He wasn't asked to go and see the OPs ex, just give a lift.

most adults have some trauma around hospitals. Trauma, stress and worry never makes me behave like an arsehole. It doesn’t make any of my friends behave badly either. This man chose this child’s most vulnerable moment to be an arsehole - that he didn’t relent, apologise and do pick up tells me he doesn’t deserve a place in your life. And he is retired so not losing out on time in quite the same way as a full time worker? Wanker

Unforgivable. Leave the bastard.

She didn't miss the point. She wanted to be obnoxious. She was thinking 'Ha, this will pull these grieving people up short. This will sting them. I will correct their attitude to life.'

@JaneFrances I know, but why did he react this way this one time? After giving multiple lifts previously?

I’m not saying that it was acceptable, it wasn’t, but it’s really odd that it happened just this once.

Based on her updates he has been driving thema round including her daughter for 7 years because she has anxiety and will not get into a car with strangers so no bus is taxi etc. So to me I think there is more to the story and it's not just a case of he is a selfish bastard and that's it.

He has driven her to see her father was it 14 or 16 times over the past 6 weeks, has driven her to her medical appointments etc because of her mental health illness despite the fact they don't even live together so not really a family so I find it strange he suddenly became selfish with no trigger or nothing else.

There's more to the story. According to OP he was against her going to see her father because he felt it would be traumatic, that's a valid concern though I also agree it's not his decision, did DD react rudely that made him decide not to drive her? We don't know but my point is I'm struggling to buy the story of he has been very supportive and helpful then suddenly he is a selfish bastard without nothing happening in between. It could be built up resentment over the past 7 years and something she said pushed him. Again I agree the timing wasn't right but my point is the transition from supportive helpful partner to sudden selfish bastard seems strange.

No, we make too many excuses for everyone.

OP is also an adult in this case - she knows her DP was traumatised by this very situation and she could have got an Uber. She’s been an adult for years and doesn’t drive and this is her daughter whom her DP chauffeurs about, not his. All her responsibilities.

You obviously didnt read it because she's taking her driving test shortly.

Hold on, he can’t be traumatised by the idea that he is helping recreate an awful experience of his own for somebody else? He has to be threatened with reliving it?

I know...

Fkn hell I'd be ending it. That's horrific. I could never forgive a man behaving like that to my daughter. "Some people say the wrong thing at the wrong time" no. No mate that's just horrendous. I'm awkward as they come but I'd never act like this when someone's relative was dying, let alone a child's dad. Awful.

I’ve shit better men than him!

as comments go it doesn’t get much worse than this

it is one of the most incisive comments on MN which is not difficult