DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

[Ifinkyourefreaky]

My ds 25 and dd 16 dad died yesterday, he's my exh. His diagnosis was 6 weeks ago and he went downhill rapidly. My DP of 7years had been doing lifts to and from hospital as he's the only one that drives out of us all.
My dd lives with me and ds lived with his dad.
My dp was already in a mood with me yesterday morning and then last minute through in that we needed to get my dd to the hospital ASAP before her DF died as she really wanted to say goodbye to him and he had only a couple of hours left if that.
My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life, It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.
He relented, complained on the way to hospital that he's just a taxi driver for everyone and he doesn't have to be doing this ect..... He dropped us at the hospital....30min drive and told us to find our own way home.

I'm I being unreasonable to think that if he was annoyed/angry he should have just kept his mouth shut and sucked it up for one more day, as he made the whole thing so much more traumatic for my daughter.

I kept saying to him, this is not the time for you to be venting at us now can you please stop.

I can't speak to him or see him right now, I'm so angry with him. He doesn't live with us BTW.

This. Entirely.

It doesn't get worse than this.

I actually agree.
this is a devastating moment for your family. And he isn’t there for them.

When people treat you badly when you are vulnerable, it is a demonstration of a deeply flawed personality. They also do it again and again.

LTB. Learn to drive though too.

Well he’s horrible and I’d bin him if I were you. Making a terrible tragedy all about his mood and convenience. You know what he’s like now, and God forbid you’re ever ill and need his help

But if he goes who will drive them around all the time?
Do seriously expect a 25 year old man and a middle aged woman to actually learn to drive?

This this this.
condolences

For your daughter’s sake you should definitely not see him over Christmas and New year, she needs your support and not to be further traumatised by his reaction. And I’d be really re-thinking the relationship, if he can’t step up for a few weeks for a bereaved 16 year old he’s really not a good partner. At the very least he should have kept his mouth firmly shut and talked to you in private if he was finding it difficult.

The complete lack of empathy and compassion shown towards your daughter by your DP is spectacular.

Not sure if it was driven by a perverse power trip, pettiness, jealousy or whatever made your DP feel sorry for himself, but it is evident that he is not a good person to be around your 16 year old while she mourns her dad -

Personally, I would be very slow to forgive, as in, he might-might- be forgiven in maybe 6 million years from now type of forgiven.

YANBU
ID drive my partner willingly, especially in such circumstances coz I love them. It’s part of a relationship.

he wielded control over your daughter in a really cruel way that wasn’t necessary at all. I’m not sure I could look at DP in the same way after this. Your DD will always remember that trauma.

It's not missing the point- it is the reason OP wants her husband to drive them!

What an awful, selfish man. I'm very sorry for you and your daughter 🙏

It's obviously been a hard time for you all, these past few weeks. I'm sorry for you and your family's loss.

I expect if you delve a bit deeper, you would uncover alot of pain buried down regarding his relative you said had passed. I imagine he really did have good intentions when it came to advising your daughter not to see her Dad, I cannot be a pleasant experience at all to witness someone go downhill like that.

It was very harsh telling you to find your way home, he really should have sucked it up.

I'm hoping in the next day or so he will come to you and apologise and explain, in which case, I believe all should be forgiven.

If not, then you may have some thinking to do....

Wishing you, your son and daughter all the best x

It's unfair that he has to drive everywhere. I've seen that you're learning which is great and should take the pressure off him. It's not fair for him to have to drive both you and your kids - particularly to go and see your ex multiple times.

However, quite obviously, yesterday was NOT the time to make that point. He is an absolute knob for doing so there and then.

You need to decide whether you can overlook this, under the assumption that things will get better when you can drive too.

I know i may be missing the point here but is he really the only one out of all of you who can drive?

I mean his behaviour was shitty, even if he was being used as a taxi he should of sucked it up under the circumstances, but I’m not sure why him conveying you to the hospital was the only way to get there. Public transport? Taxi?

Really surprised at some of the responses. If the genders were reversed the man would be called a using cocklodger for expecting the OP to chauffeur his kids around multiple times a week, presumably as sad as the circumstances are this isn’t the first time he’s been expected to play taxi? I think some people are missing the point that he’s not a stepfather or even a live in partner but a casual boyfriend (engagement IMO is meaningless if not living together and no date set).

The timing of what he said was awful and he should have just sucked it up for your daughter’s sake, however sounds like there’s a backstory with a traumatic family death for him which could be colouring things. Ultimately the timing was very poor and he should have been a lot more sensitive but it does sound like you’re using him a bit.

DP chauffeur has probably exited the relationship by now

He has a point. You have been together for 7 years so he must care about you and your children. He has past traumatic experience of watching someone die which he shared with you and your daughter who has MH issues and so possibly more susceptible to issues after watching her father die.

you ignored his concerns and emotionally blackmailed him into driving when you could have just gotten a taxi.

The OP said in her second post that she is taking her driving test next month. Why are so many posters ignoring this?

People seem to have overlooked this
"My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life, It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodby"

Which I think was showing a lot of caring and good sense. Your daughter already has anxiety and other issues and seeing her dad die could cause her problems and nightmares, deaths are not always tidy with a couple of goodbyes.

For what it's worth, after my mum died I was encouraged to see the body, with that horrible threat "you'll regret it if you don't".

I went and I have regretted it every time I've thought of my mum. I just wish I hadn't gone. I didn't need that experience to know that she'd gone.

He was very cruel to make a point then. However I think he might have had a point about not seeing him die. It is very traumatic. My DHs cousin took his teenage son to see his nan dying and he was in bits for a long time after.
But as this was what your DD wanted he should have just done it.
Think this relationship might have run it's course. How is your DD going to feel if she has to see the cunt who tried to prevent her seeing her dad for the last time?

RTFT - OP’s driving test is next month.

cos it’s meaningless now

Those of you who have said you'd not hesitate to drive complete strangers to a dying relative's bedside - such as:

@Ohthatsabitshit
@BelgianBeers
@Canyoudigityesyoucan
@Candy24
@Lentilweaver
@VeryStressedMum
@Allthehorsesintheworld

(I'm only @ing people in the hope they will see this and realise they really can get involved!)

Please, please do be true to your word and join those of us who volunteer an odd hour of our time with someone like RVS https://www.royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk/our-services/getting-out-about/ if you can spare even an hour or 2 occasionally.

There are never enough volunteers and it's especially important around Christmas time when services are sometimes limited.

So many people make throwaway comments about how giving and selfless they would be, given the opportunity, but it's often it's unfortunately just flippant rhetoric.

So please don't just say the words, put them into action and make a difference.

He was extremely insensitive.

How does he feel about it now, is he sheepish or defensive about his behaviour?

Because after at least 7 years of not driving in the relationship it’s probably worn a bit thin by now. There’s no guarantee OP will pass the test unfortunately and given it’s taken at least 7 years to get to this point, who knows how long it will be before she actually has an independent means of transport for her and her kids.