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Original poster

DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

639 replies

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 09:17

My ds 25 and dd 16 dad died yesterday, he's my exh. His diagnosis was 6 weeks ago and he went downhill rapidly. My DP of 7years had been doing lifts to and from hospital as he's the only one that drives out of us all.
My dd lives with me and ds lived with his dad.
My dp was already in a mood with me yesterday morning and then last minute through in that we needed to get my dd to the hospital ASAP before her DF died as she really wanted to say goodbye to him and he had only a couple of hours left if that.
My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life, It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.
He relented, complained on the way to hospital that he's just a taxi driver for everyone and he doesn't have to be doing this ect..... He dropped us at the hospital....30min drive and told us to find our own way home.

I'm I being unreasonable to think that if he was annoyed/angry he should have just kept his mouth shut and sucked it up for one more day, as he made the whole thing so much more traumatic for my daughter.

I kept saying to him, this is not the time for you to be venting at us now can you please stop.

I can't speak to him or see him right now, I'm so angry with him. He doesn't live with us BTW.

OP posts:
Allthehorsesintheworld · 22/12/2024 12:47

Even though you could have called a taxi he still has the attitude. Bloody hell if you can’t help a kid out when her father is hours from death when can you. I’d have driven a stranger to a hospital if it was that urgent.
Only my experience, but I think it would scar your dd far more to be prevented from saying goodbye to her dad than seeing him die.
please dump the partner , he’s shown you what he’s like. And condolences to your dc.

PokerFriedDips · 22/12/2024 12:48

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 10:01

He is just my boyfriend atm. We are engaged to be married at some point and yes he has been traumatised by watching a relative die many years ago.

Show quote history

I hope you aren't still planning to marry/move in with him. You are totally unsuited to each other. You becoming a driver will not fix this. He doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with the complexities in your life and you don't have the independence that he needs.

ballyhoomara · 22/12/2024 12:49

I would drive for anyone repeatedly in these circumstances - it is beyond credible - never in a million years would my DH do this

VacuumPacked · 22/12/2024 12:49

Tsama · 22/12/2024 10:51

I'm sorry, but in 6 weeks he only drove you and / or your children 14 times?

I know I'm not taking into account the time wasted, but 6 weeks are 42 days, I thought he did that way more times.

Yeah either there's details missing or he's really not the man you think.

The only possibility I can think of is if his trauma was really fucking up with his mind all this time, since your ex was dying after all.

But even if that was the case he should have talked to you instead of bottling it all up until it exploded, which it did in the worst time possible.

I'll repeat what I said before, the relationship maaaaaybe is salvageable, but you need some deep and long talk with your children and later him about how all you feel so you can rethink the relationship.

Maybe he really isn't all that bad, but he did lash out at the worst moment possible, which can easily have ruined the relationship even if there was no malice behind everything.

Show quote history

He didn’t want to do it, for whatever reason, but he did.

Why would you assume any man is going to be thrilled and delighted
to be running his girlfriend to hospital to visit her EX ? 14 times ?!
this makes him more of a hero than one of those other things

‘Make your own way home’ could have had a question mark after,
no one would know if demise was imminent or take hours, this is
fair enough.

Reading between the lines, his ‘lashing out’ was a need for acknowledgement,
reassurance, gratitude even, not taken for granted, although he could have
held it in for longer.

OP has said, sometimes they take a taxi.

adorablecat · 22/12/2024 12:51

Please do not bring this person to live in your house with your newly bereaved children.

FestiveFruitloop · 22/12/2024 12:54

VacuumPacked · 22/12/2024 12:40

yes of course - ex husband, like throwing their romantic relationship up in the air

yes, OP daughter’s dad, but not strictly speaking the boyfriend’s place to be accommodating this as thougn its his duty and the right thing to do -
not so

this thread is redolent with high sanctimony

If this situation was reversed,
if Id been with someone for 7? years who expected me to run him to hospital to see his ill/dying ex I would tell him to get lost, traumatising though that may be for him

I would also expect him to plan for eventualities and get semi hysterical daughter to hospital on all occasions, whilst questioning the validity of the ‘relationship’

and expect him to drive, a necessary skill abeit expensive, could have been prioritised, unusual too for a 25 year old man not to be driving, when this is a time
he could be stepping up, ‘ people can’t afford it ‘ means this is seen as an optional extra and not, as illistrated here, one of modern life’s necessities.

Show quote history

You sound lovely.

sparkellie · 22/12/2024 12:55

VacuumPacked · 22/12/2024 12:49

He didn’t want to do it, for whatever reason, but he did.

Why would you assume any man is going to be thrilled and delighted
to be running his girlfriend to hospital to visit her EX ? 14 times ?!
this makes him more of a hero than one of those other things

‘Make your own way home’ could have had a question mark after,
no one would know if demise was imminent or take hours, this is
fair enough.

Reading between the lines, his ‘lashing out’ was a need for acknowledgement,
reassurance, gratitude even, not taken for granted, although he could have
held it in for longer.

OP has said, sometimes they take a taxi.

Show quote history

This is the kind of jealous crap my ex would have tried to pull.
He isn't taking his dp to see her ex, he is taking the dd of his dp (who he has known since she was 9) to see her dying dad. If he doesn't want to that's up to him, but it's not hard to see why that decision would have a big impact on his relationship with not just the dd but his partner too, who's sole focus should be on getting her kids through losing their dad not him.
IT'S NOT ABOUT HIM.

Jaehee · 22/12/2024 12:56

@VacuumPacked Why would you assume any man is going to be thrilled and delighted to be running his girlfriend to hospital to visit her EX ? 14 times ?!

He wasn't running OP to hospital to visit her ex. He was running OP's daughter, a child who has been in his life for the best part of 7 years (which is a highly significant proportion of her life given she's only 16), to the hospital so she could visit her father.

There are lots of tasks we do for people we care about that we don't particularly feel good about. However, we or most people at least feel good about helping that person. I doubt many people are thrilled and delighted to be changing a child's nappy for example, but people do it because it feels good to know the child feels clean and comfortable. Is this an alien concept to you?

MounjaroOnMyMind · 22/12/2024 13:00

You can't make any excuses for him. No matter how he felt, he chose to act out and make it all about himself when he was taking a young girl to visit her father just before he died. That's unforgivable.

It's not a huge surprise that you've had abuse previously in your life, OP, because you don't seem to be able to recognise his behaviour as abusive.

VacuumPacked · 22/12/2024 13:01

FestiveFruitloop · 22/12/2024 12:54

You sound lovely.

Show quote history

gee thanks 😘

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 22/12/2024 13:03

Blimey.
thrilled and delighted?!

People don’t do everything because it’s thrilling and delightful. Sometimes we just do the right thing for people we care about, even if we don’t really want to.

AlexaSetATimer · 22/12/2024 13:05

Ohthatsabitshit · 22/12/2024 09:25

I’d drive a stranger off the street to say goodbye to their father.

I agree. What a sod. Awful time to bring it up. I'd have to finish with him, for the sake of my DD.

However I assume you all were grateful for the lifts, said so m, didn't take it for granted and maybe you offered some money for fuel - non drivers often don't appreciate how expensive this is, over 6 weeks. Doesn't excuse his behaviour though, which was appalling.

VacuumPacked · 22/12/2024 13:06

sparkellie · 22/12/2024 12:55

This is the kind of jealous crap my ex would have tried to pull.
He isn't taking his dp to see her ex, he is taking the dd of his dp (who he has known since she was 9) to see her dying dad. If he doesn't want to that's up to him, but it's not hard to see why that decision would have a big impact on his relationship with not just the dd but his partner too, who's sole focus should be on getting her kids through losing their dad not him.
IT'S NOT ABOUT HIM.

Edited
Show quote history

of course this is about him as he is the focus of this thread poor put upon beleaguered probably ex boyfriend that he is
daughter is not his responsibility after all

Chocolatesnowman2 · 22/12/2024 13:07

He doesn't live with you ...so not her step dad ..just your boyfriend
Why are you using him as a taxi service ..
You need to learn to drive
That said ,he's obviously not very nice to say what he did ...
But how many lifts had he already given you both ,there and back and waiting around ..he's only human too ,maybe you asked to much of him and should of used taxis some times

VacuumPacked · 22/12/2024 13:07

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 22/12/2024 13:03

Blimey.
thrilled and delighted?!

People don’t do everything because it’s thrilling and delightful. Sometimes we just do the right thing for people we care about, even if we don’t really want to.

exactly. my point entirely

AndOnAndOn1000 · 22/12/2024 13:08

LTB

What a cold hearted and nasty specimen of a man.

Your poor DD.

latetothefisting · 22/12/2024 13:10

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 10:45

About 14 times. I did used taxis a couple of times when DP had other commitments.

Show quote history

there is obviously no excuse for reacting the way he did, obviously that wasn't the time or place, but this is a hell of a lot to expect from someone you don't even live with, particularly when he's presumably doing all the other driving for you as a family if you go shopping, out for a trip etc. I can understand why he would feel more like a chauffeur than a fiance.

VacuumPacked · 22/12/2024 13:10

Jaehee · 22/12/2024 12:56

@VacuumPacked Why would you assume any man is going to be thrilled and delighted to be running his girlfriend to hospital to visit her EX ? 14 times ?!

He wasn't running OP to hospital to visit her ex. He was running OP's daughter, a child who has been in his life for the best part of 7 years (which is a highly significant proportion of her life given she's only 16), to the hospital so she could visit her father.

There are lots of tasks we do for people we care about that we don't particularly feel good about. However, we or most people at least feel good about helping that person. I doubt many people are thrilled and delighted to be changing a child's nappy for example, but people do it because it feels good to know the child feels clean and comfortable. Is this an alien concept to you?

Edited

you need to be able to follow the thread read and understand before starting to hurl in worn phrases like alien concept about nappies

pestowithwalnuts · 22/12/2024 13:10

Your DH is a loathsome repulsive reptilious cunt
Your poor daughter having to go against this ..
I hope she never speaks to him again

Longma · 22/12/2024 13:13

Edingril · 22/12/2024 09:19

He is you chauffeur not your partner, so maybe he has a point?

Well the dd is only 16 so isn't allowed to yet.

I suspect money and/or health will be the main reason for OP and her Ds.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 22/12/2024 13:13

It is one of those things that show up people's basic kindness and generosity. I expect it was irritating for the fiance, a lot of things are irritating, but an adult would realize that it wasn't going to be for ever and that being able to help someone (especially a child or teen) at such a horrible time compensates for the aggravation of being an on call ferry service.

NameChanges123 · 22/12/2024 13:13

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 22/12/2024 09:20

Why don’t any of you drive?

🙄

LaPam · 22/12/2024 13:17

I only read the first post so apologies if I miss the point, but I on the fence about this…

  1. Death is not always peaceful, it could be nasty and upsetting even in a hospital bed. I asked my ex to take his 18 year old to say goodbye to his grandmother and it was horrendous, the body shutting down is sometimes noisy and as unpeaceful as it could come. Your DP may have said he didn’t want her there out of a position of care that many of us are not familiar with.
  2. He hold no resentment against your ex, he had driven you and the children to him many times, if he was as nasty as described he had not take any of you there ONCE.
  3. when someone is that ill, it is not unusual to be called in to say good bye… several times. My grandmother had the last rites administered several times, my exp was told his mum would die “tonight” for two weeks. I bet that after so many times driving you there he thought this was another false alarm and I wouldn’t be surprised to hear if he is kicking himself about his comments now.
  4. The fact you could have an argument with him about this and made him drive you all ti the hospital even if in a bad mood, makes me think he has not been a bastard to you all this time. If he had, I’m sure you wouldn’t have had this argument, you would have picked up the phone to call a taxi or a friend without asking him, as so many women with shit husbands do.

It was a bad argument to have at a time everyone was stressed, you have some grieving to do now and some healing to do about this unfortunate situation at another time.

timenowplease · 22/12/2024 13:18

Abusive cunt. He really picked his moment to put the boot in.

Fucking horrible.

GreekDogRescue · 22/12/2024 13:22

Maybe he’d just had enough of being your unappreciated taxi driver and snapped?
It is your and your adult son’s choice not to drive but there is no justification for expecting others to drive you around.
I can see the timing was bad but he has my sympathy.
Do you ever show any appreciation for these chauffeuring services?

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