DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

[Ifinkyourefreaky]

My ds 25 and dd 16 dad died yesterday, he's my exh. His diagnosis was 6 weeks ago and he went downhill rapidly. My DP of 7years had been doing lifts to and from hospital as he's the only one that drives out of us all.
My dd lives with me and ds lived with his dad.
My dp was already in a mood with me yesterday morning and then last minute through in that we needed to get my dd to the hospital ASAP before her DF died as she really wanted to say goodbye to him and he had only a couple of hours left if that.
My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life, It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.
He relented, complained on the way to hospital that he's just a taxi driver for everyone and he doesn't have to be doing this ect..... He dropped us at the hospital....30min drive and told us to find our own way home.

I'm I being unreasonable to think that if he was annoyed/angry he should have just kept his mouth shut and sucked it up for one more day, as he made the whole thing so much more traumatic for my daughter.

I kept saying to him, this is not the time for you to be venting at us now can you please stop.

I can't speak to him or see him right now, I'm so angry with him. He doesn't live with us BTW.

She can't dump him yet. She needs him to drive her and her daughter around.

Yes I wouldn't expect her to drive yet actually. I didn't until I was an adult.

He is vile. LTB

So that takes precedence over someone's father dying? Are you the partner?

LTB, and definitely don’t marry him, do you really want to marry a man that decided it was a good time to have a strop like a child and belittle you’re dd, when her dad was dying. He’s showing you he’s true colours he’s an awful person. Yes being the only driver can suck, but there’s a time and place for that convo and it wasn’t then and doing something like that just flies against basic himanity, he’s awful.

While I agree that he could have been more supportive and this was not the time, he also isn't her stepfather. They don't live together even after 7 years so I see it more as a friend with benefit type situation than a true relationship. I would still be compassionate but again we're only hearing one side of the story

I also agree OP should end it and move on, should be easy since they don't live together.

Edit: reading OPs other updates it looks like he has been very supportive taking her DD to see her father many times, taking her to her medical appointments etc so I'm not sure if he is the evil bastard he is being painted to be but if OP what's to end it, she should.

I don't support people being treated like chauffeur, but the OP has booked her test.

You don't just spring it on someone last minute and then rage when they say no

Did I get the wrong impression? It sounded to me by the post like the father didn't have a lot of time left to live and got a call from the hospital to get there ASAP?

He is horrible. A person who cannot show kindness in a moment like that is not a nice person. Please don't marry him.

Well, let's hope that at that time he was not treated with utter callousness and contempt by the significant adults in his life. Although it would explain a lot.

Oh for goodness sake, he was doing the trip twice a week, that's not a lot to ask of your fiance, and not a lot to do for someone you supposedly love and care about.

Must be a nice view up there on your high horse.

I honestly would never speak to this arsehole again. It would be madness OP to marry him and subject yourself and your daughter to more of the same.

What a nasty bastard. I'd never be able to get past that.

Wow. That is weapons grade arseholery right there.

LTB.

He isn't a chauffeur but come on. This was absolutely not the moment to have a hissy fit over it. He made an already terrible situation all about him

Yep. All of this.

This nails it. Fuck him OP. I hope you screw him over on the way out.

That's appalling behaviour

Firstly, I’m so sorry you and your children are going through this.

secondly, I can see why someone would be annoyed giving lifts 14 times to something like a karate club or horse riding. But their terminally ill parent is extremely different! And if he IS feeling like a taxi driver, why the fuck does he need to express this feeling to a 16 year old on what is probably the worst day of her life so far. If he’s that much of a twat he should be feeling ‘relieved’ that this will be his last drive to the hospital…

if you’re not convinced by this incident to end things with him you should spend time doing some deep, deep reflection on his character, his behaviour and what your relationship is like. I would be really surprised if he was a lovely guy who normally is lovely to you all and that this was the first type of toxic red flag behaviour he has shown. Good luck OP xx

I think you should break off the relationship.

You need someone who will provide you and your family with unconditional support 24/7 and I wonder whether this is a fair expectation of him given that he doesn’t even live with you yet. Would I want to drive my DSDs to DH’s ex-wife’s sickbed 14 times? Hell no. I would do it, but it would not be easy for me. I think you are asking for more than he can give.

He needs someone more independent and given the incident I can’t see how he can marry you and live with your daughter in the same house (sorry if I made an assumption there but with agoraphobia and other mental health issues it sounds like she will struggle to live independently). She will not be happy with him in her space after this, and if he is retired he will be at home all day.

I think you took him for granted and he wasn’t happy but said nothing because of the circumstances. She then yelled at him (understandably) and he snapped. The circumstances were terrible but that doesn’t warrant the abuse he’s received here. He is just not able to give what you need, so move on.

you as a family have been through an extraordinary amount of stress the last 6 weeks and this has strained your relationship - but it is over now.

How is it over now? Do you have any idea what it's like to lose a parent at that age? This is only the beginning!

yes of course - ex husband, like throwing their romantic relationship up in the air

yes, OP daughter’s dad, but not strictly speaking the boyfriend’s place to be accommodating this as thougn its his duty and the right thing to do -
not so

this thread is redolent with high sanctimony

If this situation was reversed,
if Id been with someone for 7? years who expected me to run him to hospital to see his ill/dying ex I would tell him to get lost, traumatising though that may be for him

I would also expect him to plan for eventualities and get semi hysterical daughter to hospital on all occasions, whilst questioning the validity of the ‘relationship’

and expect him to drive, a necessary skill abeit expensive, could have been prioritised, unusual too for a 25 year old man not to be driving, when this is a time
he could be stepping up, ‘ people can’t afford it ‘ means this is seen as an optional extra and not, as illistrated here, one of modern life’s necessities.

Congrats, you have got my first ever LTB!

I'd have saved it for an OP who actually lives with their partner so they have someone to leave.

He doesn't even live with them.

Possibly. But it was clear he was already annoyed that morning and she still decided to tell him to take them to the hospital instead of asking him. It was a bad time for him to finally put his foot down, but he's not wrong to feel taken advantage of.

if Id been with someone for 7? years who expected me to run him to hospital to see his ill/dying ex I would tell him to get lost, traumatising though that may be for him I would also expect him to plan for eventualities and get semi hysterical daughter to hospital on all occasions, whilst questioning the validity of the ‘relationship’

Good thing your view is pretty rare then. Unfortunately for this hypothesis there isn’t much notice of a high proportion of deaths.