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Original poster

DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

639 replies

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 09:17

My ds 25 and dd 16 dad died yesterday, he's my exh. His diagnosis was 6 weeks ago and he went downhill rapidly. My DP of 7years had been doing lifts to and from hospital as he's the only one that drives out of us all.
My dd lives with me and ds lived with his dad.
My dp was already in a mood with me yesterday morning and then last minute through in that we needed to get my dd to the hospital ASAP before her DF died as she really wanted to say goodbye to him and he had only a couple of hours left if that.
My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life, It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.
He relented, complained on the way to hospital that he's just a taxi driver for everyone and he doesn't have to be doing this ect..... He dropped us at the hospital....30min drive and told us to find our own way home.

I'm I being unreasonable to think that if he was annoyed/angry he should have just kept his mouth shut and sucked it up for one more day, as he made the whole thing so much more traumatic for my daughter.

I kept saying to him, this is not the time for you to be venting at us now can you please stop.

I can't speak to him or see him right now, I'm so angry with him. He doesn't live with us BTW.

OP posts:
FestiveFruitloop · 22/12/2024 11:54

Iloveyoubut · 22/12/2024 11:49

But the time to put your foot down or complain isn’t when someone’s father had hours to live.

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Absolutely this. Such a dick move.

DinaofCloud9 · 22/12/2024 11:55

burntheleaves · 22/12/2024 09:52

There is another thread about the worst men we have had discussions about on MN this year

I voted pelicot.

Your 'd'p has just topped the list.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS AWFUL PERSON.

Ffs. Grow up. Move on from him. He is racist kind of human being

I cant get over this comment. It's disgraceful.

OP there's no way you can stay with this man. Your daughter will be traumatised by his behaviour and on the day she needed support most.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 22/12/2024 11:55

Put your daughter and son first they need you and get rid of this man. It’s only a few weeks of lifts and he’s retired. He has plenty of free time to do what he wants from now.
After seeing your daughter go through that, don’t subject her to this man any further.
Some people are scarred from seeing a loved one day but many are traumatised from not being there. Your daughter made a clear choice that she wanted to see her dad.

PiperLeo · 22/12/2024 11:57

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 22/12/2024 09:20

Why don’t any of you drive?

Seriously? That is not the point!

Gwenhwyfar · 22/12/2024 12:00

"I think a lot of people (particularly those who have been driving a long time), forget/aren't aware of how bloody expensive learning to drive is now. Where I am the CHEAPEST instructor is £40 an hour. Even just one two hour lesson a week would be £320 a month. Then a test itself is £120. Then the cost of running a car... for many it is completely unaffordable."

This is true. I heard that the cost of learning could be around 1k. Also, it takes longer the older you are so more expensive.
Then the cost of running car where I live would apparently be equivalent to renting a small studio. Buying/leasing the car, insurance, maintenance...

CarrotsAndCheese · 22/12/2024 12:01

SuperfluousHen · 22/12/2024 10:03

This @Ifinkyourefreaky
Your posts sound like everything is going to settle down once you’ve passed your test and can drive him about to return the favour of giving lifts.

wait, what ??

Your partner has just behaved inexcusably badly. To your daughter. Who has extreme anxiety. On the day she lost her father. And would have stopped her saying goodbye to him, if he could. And he abandoned you 30 minutes away to make your own way home after witnessing the death of her dad. When he knows she has extreme anxiety getting into cars with strangers.

This is the man you want to make a life with? Really? Really?

I’m beginning to wonder if you have been subjected to emotional abuse yourself, because this man wouldn’t be acceptable to a woman who values herself and her daughter.

seriously, OP.
Think very hard now.

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This. He's a cunt! Congrats, you have got my first ever LTB! There are no words to describe how despicably he's behaved towards your daughter on the worst day of her life thus far.

SuperfluousHen · 22/12/2024 12:02

MixedFeelingsNoFeelings · 22/12/2024 11:45

My first reaction on reading this was 'my God, what kind of person does/says that??' DP's behaviour seemed monstrous and inexplicably cruel.

On further reading I started to see things more from his point of view. You don't live together. Your DD has severe mental health and anxiety issues, not an easy situation for a new partner, but you've been together 7 years so he's taken that on board.

He has been putting his own life and convenience on hold to drive your family back and forth to the hospital (does he wait in the car/waiting room while you visit?). Which is a kindness towards your ex, even if he is doing it for you and DD. And he does this despite his own traumatic experience of watching a loved one die. A trauma he obviously hasn't processed, because he chose the worst possible time to explode into rage and frustration.

Paradoxically, to me that shows he's probably a decent guy. A cynical bastard would say all the right things, while wriggling out of doing the hard yards of caring for you and your daughter. I know that scenario and have learnt to judge people by what they do, rather than the (kind, noble, sensitive, reasonable) things they say.

Sounds to me like, in this situation with your ex, lots of feelings have come to a head for him that he just can't cope with any more, and he's put a bomb under everything. I agree with PPs who say that it'll be hard to come back from. Just a really difficult and sad situation for all of you. I wish you luck OP.

“Paradoxically, to me that shows he's probably a decent guy”

Whats your assessment of him leaving them to make their own way home after the trauma of witnessing the death bearing in mind the daughter’s severe anxiety about being in a car with strangers? Decent?

VacuumPacked · 22/12/2024 12:02

Winter2020 · 22/12/2024 09:32

You don't live with him - he is your boyfriend and it sounds like he has spent the last 6 weeks ferrying people to the hospital and back. I imagine yesterday he was told he was doing it regardless of his own ideas for his day.

It's a shame he couldn't bite his tongue for one more day knowing it would be the last but I imagine he reached the end of his tether

Rather than ditching him as many previous posters have suggested I would say that you as a family have been through an extraordinary amount of stress the last 6 weeks and this has strained your relationship - but it is over now.

I think blaming your boyfriend for adding to your daughters stress is probably just deflecting your and her anger at her dad dying onto your boyfriend. She was going to visit her dying dad - I can't imagine she gave much of a shit if the driver was grumbling. It was never his responsibility to facilitate that visit.

Your boyfriend is a person too in his own right not an employee so if you want to continue to see him I would suggest you phone him - tell him that the last couple of months have been stressful buy it's now over and you are sorry for the strain it has put on your relationship. I think he did a lot that he didn't have to do - for you.

You might find that your boyfriend wants to end the relationship after the last few days anyway.

An excellent summary, the voice of reason here

SpatulaSpatula · 22/12/2024 12:02

LTB He's an awful human. Also, your poor daughter shouldn't have had to lose it to get him to take her. That should've been you!

PiperLeo · 22/12/2024 12:05

This is ridiculous! People having a go at you for not driving. That is really not the point at all. I know it's a pain to be driving back and forth from the hospital. My husband has to do it for me when my mum was on her death bed but he would never have stopped me from going because a decent human being would push his selfishness aside for 1 more day!! I cannot believe some people. Why is it so hard to not be a prick?

SuperfluousHen · 22/12/2024 12:06

VacuumPacked · 22/12/2024 12:02

An excellent summary, the voice of reason here

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Sounds more like the voice of the boyfriend 🙄

HollyKnight · 22/12/2024 12:06

I echo a lot of others. The way he handled his frustration was not appropriate, but it's bloody rude to tell someone they have to drive you somewhere. You ask and if the answer is no you accept that and make other arrangements. You don't just spring it on someone last minute and then rage when they say no. In this instance, your DD can be excused, but if you all act entitled in general I can see why he snapped.

WitcheryDivine · 22/12/2024 12:08

Op please ignore the few obvious troublemakers who are not as clever as they think they are.

Of course your partner is entitled to get hacked off at giving lifts any time he likes and say no. But the way life works is that everyone else is entitled to judge his character based on his behaviour which in this case was to upset a traumatised girl and leave her in the lurch when she needed support most.

Crunchymum · 22/12/2024 12:09

olympicsrock · 22/12/2024 09:19

Leave the bastard. He is a cunt.

This 💯

What an absolute beast.

To all those questioning why the OP (and her 16yo DD?) don't drive, I think you are massively missing the point.

femfemlicious · 22/12/2024 12:10

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 09:26

This is clearly how he feels, so part of me feels bad for him. But I am taking my driving test next month so hopfully I'll pass and he won't be put upon anymore and I can return the favours when he needs to go places. Just at the moment I'm reliant on him.

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How do you normally get to places. Why didn't you just take a taxi?. Does he drive you everywhere you go?

MixedFeelingsNoFeelings · 22/12/2024 12:10

SuperfluousHen · 22/12/2024 12:02

“Paradoxically, to me that shows he's probably a decent guy”

Whats your assessment of him leaving them to make their own way home after the trauma of witnessing the death bearing in mind the daughter’s severe anxiety about being in a car with strangers? Decent?

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Yeah, that's not good. Sorry I missed that point. But doesn't change my view that he's had some kind of breakdown.

SuperfluousHen · 22/12/2024 12:10

TempuraCustard · 22/12/2024 11:26

Blimey

Having read though all your posts I think yes he has handled it badly but maybe he thought you were doing this as a team and then when he's expressed he doesn't think it's a good idea for her to go and see her dad dying he's been yelled at and basically told to just do it. Like his opinion counts for shit all. He's actually sounding like he wants the best for your DD and thought that was not seeing her dad die/dead. Even though ultimately it's your choice it does actually sound like he's feeling he wasn't heard and then just gave in and drove you anyway. He probably feels quite used and like an uninvolved part of the family.

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“when he's expressed he doesn't think it's a good idea for her to go and see her dad dying …”

if he cared about the daughter’s emotional wellbeing (witnessing her father’s death) would he have left them to make their own way home on that day, of all days?

no, me neither.

VacuumPacked · 22/12/2024 12:11

SuperfluousHen · 22/12/2024 12:06

Sounds more like the voice of the boyfriend 🙄

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does he not have an option on an opinion or point of view? soon as this hits DM we will soon find out

VacuumPacked · 22/12/2024 12:12

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 09:26

This is clearly how he feels, so part of me feels bad for him. But I am taking my driving test next month so hopfully I'll pass and he won't be put upon anymore and I can return the favours when he needs to go places. Just at the moment I'm reliant on him.

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put upon - there you go !

Covidfluforxmas · 22/12/2024 12:13

He sounds like he’s had a bad experience seeing a loved one die and wanted her to not have the same thing happen?

Viviennemary · 22/12/2024 12:13

If you are all constantly asking for lifts he is probably getting fed up. But now isn't the time when he should make his point.

coolkatt · 22/12/2024 12:14

olympicsrock · 22/12/2024 09:19

Leave the bastard. He is a cunt.

Nothing more to add. Exactly this.

VacuumPacked · 22/12/2024 12:15

Amplepie · 22/12/2024 10:52

Interesting how many psychopaths there are on this thread. I often wonder if it's that there's a high proportion of them on Mumsnet, or if it's representative of society in general.

This man's behaviour, traumatising your daughter like that, is beyond despicable.

as is the careless sprinkling of words such as traumatising or indeed, psychopaths

SuperfluousHen · 22/12/2024 12:16

MixedFeelingsNoFeelings · 22/12/2024 12:10

Yeah, that's not good. Sorry I missed that point. But doesn't change my view that he's had some kind of breakdown.

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I think his mask came off.

He had a 30 minute drive to consider how to treat his partner and her daughter after she decided to go say goodbye to her dad, against his wishes.

He chose to punish them both, particularly the daughter, by making them get a taxi or public transport home after the trauma.

Couldyounot · 22/12/2024 12:16

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 10:01

He is just my boyfriend atm. We are engaged to be married at some point and yes he has been traumatised by watching a relative die many years ago.

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I'm sorry, but that's no excuse. 6 years ago this Friday coming I sat in an A&E bay with my mother as she was dying, whilst listening to the drug addict in the bed opposite shouting abuse at the nursing staff for not bringing him food quickly enough. It wasn't much fun. Would this stop me from giving someone a lift in the circumstances you describe? Absolutely fucking not. Your boyfriend is a piece of shit. Dump him.

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