DD has regifted something to me for my birthday which has been lying around the house for 3 years

[Thepeopleversuswork]

I’m really upset but not sure if I am overreacting or how to handle.

DD (13) has just presented me with two regifted presents: they are both things she made to be fair and they are lovely but they have been in our home for three years one of them was sitting on my desk for a few weeks. They are very familiar to me.

She had a budget from me for Christmas shopping (including my birthday) and I know she has spent a lot of care and love on buying presents for her aunt and her school friends.

I don’t have a problem with regifting in principle but I think giving someone a household object they see every day and presenting it as a birthday present is a real fuck you.

I am really quite upset but I am not sure if I am overreacting and need to find a way to handle it without being really grabby or consumerist and insisting on expensive stuff.

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Exactly! Nobody's saying she should have spent £20 - it's not hard to find a box of chocolates that you know someone likes, or their favourite kind of cake, or some of their favourite body scrub, is it?

Since when was it okay to have such low expectations of 13 year olds?

Yes this is the crux of it. A bad gift from a daughter shouldn't be seen as a measure of her love for you.

Sounds like your DD has learned a good lesson about the importance of treating people properly - even mum. Good for you for raising it with her.

Odd but would just leave it. She maybe overspent on everyone else and got in a panic.

Sorry.. was talking about this one.

Emotional abuse? Really?

She's 13. She's more than capable of going out and spending £5 on a suitable present for her mum, and making a card. Or she could bake a nice cake, or offer to cook dinner. It's not the money - it's the thought behind it. Re-gifting stuff that's been lying round the house for years is just unkind and thoughtless - and it's not emotionally abusive to point that out.

Which is why I have repeatedly stated, that this year should have been let go, but next year OP should be parenting her DD through this. Support with writing up a list of names, setting expectations, assisting with budgeting and taking DD to the shops. It’s about teaching her Dd about the art of gift giving, not shaming her into getting her another gift.

She hasn't overspent because since her mum called her out on her behaviour, she miraculously managed to find the money to pay for cinema tickets.

@LinnettdeBelleforte

Because I earn about five times what he earns so that wouldn’t fly.

The terms of our divorce agreement were that I kept the house but wouldn’t not come after him for money. I don’t need his money and it’s more trouble than it’s worth.

It’s also not Christmas yet, so who knows between now and then what the DD have got for the OP. She could be awaiting a delivery or planned to go this weekend.

For all we know, the OP could have even spoiled a surprise. Doubtful yes, but it was premature to cause such drama already.

To be honest, I would be mortified if my son bought me a gift at age 13. In exchange, he is a good boy and respects me and we have a very good relationship.

It was a birthday present - it's in the title.

Whereas I would be mortified to have raised a 13 year old who thought it was acceptable to buy nothing for their parents.

In my house that would have been met with laughter, as in “ haha, very funny, where’s my real present?”
It seems a really strange thing to do, OP. Was she giving you your own things, or her things? Regifting and recycling can be fine, but “ giving” someone something that they already own isn’t a gift at all. It’s not theirs to give.
Have you discussed what she was thinking,what her thought process was? I think at some point you will have to explain to her that she can’t just appropriate something that already belongs to the giftee and expect it to be considered a proper present, and that actually it’s quite hurtful that she couldn’t be bothered to organise an actual present for you, even if it was only something like chocolate, or cookies or a cake that she’d made.
If she doesn’t get it, then you’d have to do the same to her to make the point, but hopefully that won’t be necessary .

Crikey reading some if these comments explains why there are soo many self entitled young adults!
Good for you OP for raising this with your 13 year old.She is definitely old enough to know better and I hope she treats you to the cinema tonight.

I did similar at OP’s DD’s age. Overspent on friends’ Christmas presents and only had enough left to buy my mum a box of Matchmakers (this was in the 70s). She was disgusted and told me so.

Apologies

As someone who tends to think of herself as a bit of a woke snowflake, I have enjoyed some of the wilder reactions to OP's perfectly reasonable parenting immensely

But then it makes me think, that perhaps she has spent the money on a nice gift for Xmas and she’s forgotten about OPs birthday, which is so easy to do around Xmas time! never mind for 13 yr old.

The expectations are too high on this child

I'd be hurt too. To wrap up a household ornament that's been on a shelf in plain sight for years is decidedly odd and pretty sad too. She's 13 not 5. I know presents don't equate to love but personally I'd rather just have a card in this instance as this was actually saying you are an after thought and you don't matter at all.

But I suppose at nearly 14 years old and knowing I have raised and supported her almost singlehanded I would expect her to think that I deserve a bit more thought than this.

I don't know. It's not her fault her father's been crap and you've raised her on her own. I tend to see thinking like this as being at the top of a slippery slope of believing you're 'owed' something in proportion to your actual or perceived sacrifices. As someone with first-hand experience of being on the very sharp end of an extreme version of this (won't go into details), I find that corrosive thinking and probably better nipped in the bud.

But I suppose at nearly 14 years old and knowing I have raised and supported her almost singlehanded I would expect her to think that I deserve a bit more thought than this

this is unacceptable. You weren’t doing her a favour. You chose to have her, you chose to procreate with some waste of space. She doesn’t owe you.

That is very bizarre. I'd tell her she needs to give back the present money. Presumably she spent it on something else the cheeky git.

I suspect setting a budget is the op telling her how much of her pocket money she needs to spend on her, not she gave her extra.