DD has regifted something to me for my birthday which has been lying around the house for 3 years

[Thepeopleversuswork]

I’m really upset but not sure if I am overreacting or how to handle.

DD (13) has just presented me with two regifted presents: they are both things she made to be fair and they are lovely but they have been in our home for three years one of them was sitting on my desk for a few weeks. They are very familiar to me.

She had a budget from me for Christmas shopping (including my birthday) and I know she has spent a lot of care and love on buying presents for her aunt and her school friends.

I don’t have a problem with regifting in principle but I think giving someone a household object they see every day and presenting it as a birthday present is a real fuck you.

I am really quite upset but I am not sure if I am overreacting and need to find a way to handle it without being really grabby or consumerist and insisting on expensive stuff.

It's not really about being "owed" anything though - it's about the fact that at 13, she should bloody well know better than to behave the way she did.

She was given money to buy Christmas and birthday presents and just decided not to bother - instead, she gifted her mum random shit from round the house and kept the money for herself. That's really poor behaviour.

OP is right - she does deserve more thought. Anyone deserves more thought than that. I'm genuinely surprised that so many people think that being re-gifted random stuff like this is okay

I think you were right to call her out, OP. The gift showed a lack of thought and care. Although that's common in teenagers, it doesn't mean that you just accept it quietly. You raised the issue gently, and you accepted her solution.

She's 13. I'd just explain to her why if you're regifting, you need to be a bit more subtle. Although I've always used "regifting" to mean giving away a present someone has given to you to someone else, rather than this, which I'm not sure has a name but is definitely a bit rude. If you have a DP I think he needs to take some of the flack for this. He should have given her some guidance.

But I suppose at nearly 14 years old and knowing I have raised and supported her almost singlehanded I would expect her to think that I deserve a bit more thought than this.

Do you really honestly expect your child to be sat around thinking these things? Because that's a huge unreasonable expectation, no wonder you've taken it so personally.

You can't expect emotional fulfilment/validation from your children, that's not their job.

I was on the fence too but after the update I also agree.

Of course your 13 year old child cares about you (assuming you’re usually a good parent). Why would anyone assume that regifting something means that your child suddenly hates you and doesn’t care. They are a CHILD.

I am truly baffled this became a thing you needed to talk to your child over and have guilted her into taking you to the bloody cinema.

It's really not unreasonable to think that a 14 year old should know that re-gifting your mum random shit from around the house and pocketing the money is absolutely unacceptable.

I agree that it's not a child's job to provide validation or fulfilment, but it's perfectly okay to expect them to put some basic thought and care into a gift for their mother, regardless of whether they were raised single-handedly or not!

Was she given money ? The op never said that, she said she set a budget.

Then it would have been better for her to say so. Of course expectations aren't too high, OP says she is nearly 14 for heaven's sake, not 4. She has had presents all her life - she knows what they are.

It's not just re-gifting though, is it? It's giving her mum random shit from around the house and pocketing the money that was given to her to buy a gift. That's really shit behaviour and I'm genuinely surprised that so many people think it's an acceptable way for a 13 year old to behave.

She's a teenager - in secondary school - she is more than capable of buying a nice present for her mum. The fact that she chose not to bother is incredibly uncaring.

I don't agree. The girl spent ages choosing presents for friends and family but gave her mother a household ornament that's been lying around for years. Sorry, but in anyone's book that's thoughtless and hurtful - and quite frankly not a good lesson in life for the daughter going forward. Sometimes you should show other people signs of appreciation. What's so wrong with that? Society would be a very self absorbed and hedonistic place otherwise (even worse than it already is)!

Yes - OP says she gave her money on top of her usual pocket money to spend on Christmas gifts.

Ah ok, I missed that,,,

... and with a son hitting mum up for money because he can't budget.

It's in one of the updates so easy to miss I think!

She clearly had money left over as she can apparently afford to pay for cinema tickets, so I think her behaviour is pretty poor, to be honest. She absolutely deserved to be called out for it.

She’s 13. Tough age. I’d not make a big deal out of it. As someone said make light: gosh these look familiar thank you, then move on. You’ll have lots of years when she grows up to enjoy lovely gifts.

Precisely. She could have made a craft for under £5 from the Works etc.

I’m sorry but you are wrong, she didn’t give her extra, she wants it out her pocket money and money she’s been gifted. She specifically states, she doesn’t get extra.

She has an allowance and has to budget from that: she doesn’t get additional money, but there was certainly enough money in the pot between her Christmas money and her allowance for her to buy me a card or a small gift

I read this as though the Christmas money was given so that she could buy gifts for her everyone, including a birthday gift for her mum:

She had a budget from me for Christmas shopping (including my birthday) and I know she has spent a lot of care and love on buying presents for her aunt and her school friends.

But either way, her behaviour is not acceptable. She still chose to keep some of the money for herself instead of spending it on a gift for her mum.

I think the op needs to clarify. Because to me a budget and the clear words of I didn’t give her extra, say the op told her daughter how much she had to spend on her and it had to come out the child’s money,

I agree a clarification would be helpful, but either way her daughter didn't bother to buy her a gift when she could afford to do so - if she can now apparently afford cinema tickets, she could have bought her mum some chocolates or flowers.

@Queenofthejabs hmm, I'm not so sure about that.

My sister used to do this at a similar age, maybe a bit younger. Admittedly nobody gave her money to buy presents (early 90s).

She even had a name for it - 'Home Presents'. She'd hunt around and wrap up our stuff for us. I remember getting my hairbrush wrapped up one year. It's one of those things we laugh about at get togethers now.

Seeing as the OP's DD was given a budget it's probably worth a conversation about what happened to the money but I'm guessing it's poor budgeting skills which is a learning opportunity. If she spent a chunk of the money on things she wasn't supposed to then I'd be cross.

I think it depends. Personally at that age I’d never expect my child to spend their own money on me, I’d have given extra for the gifts. And I’d certainly not have told her how much to spend.

however if the op said here is a tenner for my birthday and a tenner for my Xmas, extra, then yes she should have bought it.

I think it’s one to gently explain - perhaps giving her an example of if you had regifted one of the things in the house to her instead of choosing something more original and using the money to buy yourself a nice treat instead. It may be that she saw the item as hers to give, but I think you can still explain to her that it came across as unthoughtful and selfish. You have a relatively short window to make the point, then move on and enjoy the rest of Christmas!

This. It sounds like she's blown her budget on Xmas gifts then remembered she was supposed to get you a birthday gift too.