Page 13 | DD has regifted something to me for my birthday which has been lying around the house for 3 years

Thepeopleversuswork · 2024-12-22T08:42:40+00:00

I’m really upset but not sure if I am overreacting or how to handle. DD (13) has just presented me with two regifted presents: they are both things she made to be fair and they are lovely but they have been in our home for three years one of them was sitting on my desk for a few weeks. They are very familiar to me. She had a budget from me for Christmas shopping (including my birthday) and I know she has spent a lot of care and love on buying presents for her aunt and her school friends. I don’t have a problem with regifting in principle but I think giving someone a household object they see every day and presenting it as a birthday present is a real fuck you. I am really quite upset but I am not sure if I am overreacting and need to find a way to handle it without being really grabby or consumerist and insisting on expensive stuff.

CovertPiggery · 22/12/2024 17:52

VexedofVirginiaWater · 22/12/2024 16:12

But I still think regifting something you have found lying around the house when you have been given money explicitly for the purpose of buying presents is a bit of a pisstake. I’m not going to cry myself to sleep over it but I think I was right to call it out!

Well of course you were! Were you supposed to pretend it's OK - when would others think you should have told her - when she was 21? Part of bringing up a child includes allowing them to learn - and telling them if necessary, which in this case it was, - that something is just not on and that they are being selfish.

Exactly this.

I'm so glad my mum spoke with me when I was behaving selfishly. You can tell the selfish adults had parents who never corrected them.

SanctusInDistress · 22/12/2024 21:40

To everybody saying she needs to learn to not be spoilt.

i didn’t buy my parents presents until I had my own money as an adult. Am I selfish git who never buys anything to anybody and never say ‘thank you’? Erm, no. In fact, I’ve grown up to be a people pleaser who agonises over making sure everybody gets the same amount of raisins in their fruit loaf slice.

i think the people who say the child should buy presents for parents like receiving presents for themselves a tad too much and are trying to justify it.

MartinCrieffsLemon · 22/12/2024 23:40

DepartingRadish · 22/12/2024 14:32

Why? The aunt and partner are family members - why would it be unreasonable to say that gifts for family need to be prioritised? Particularly, if those family members are also likely to be buying gifts for OP's DD.

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Because they are extended family. Family lots of people don't even buy for. If OP wants to gift to those she should pay
Even when we started paying for our own gifts, gifts outside the immedient home family were brought by parents.

burntheleaves · 23/12/2024 07:14

OP the way you have communicated with the unreasonable posters here show me you are a considerate and thoughtful individual.

Some posters had me ready to go on the attack 😂 but you handled them with integrity and good grace

Your dd is lucky to have you as their mother.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 23/12/2024 07:15

MartinCrieffsLemon · 22/12/2024 23:40

Because they are extended family. Family lots of people don't even buy for. If OP wants to gift to those she should pay
Even when we started paying for our own gifts, gifts outside the immedient home family were brought by parents.

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The OP IS paying!

DepartingRadish · 23/12/2024 07:29

That was what happened in your family - which is fine, but that's not necessarily the case for OP's family. You may class an Aunt as extended family, but others may have extremely close relationships with them and view them differently to how you do. As it happens, OP has subsequently clarified that her DD was given money for present buying which was specifically over and above her usual allowance.

TheLittleOldWomanWhoShrinks · 23/12/2024 08:26

She was also allocated a separate Christmas present budget pot by me which was intended to cover: me, her dad, my partner, my sister and her partner and the 3 or 4 school friends she had indicated she wanted to buy for. I agreed to give her the budget on the basis that she needed to buy all the gifts from it. She initially wanted to buy presents for 6 or 7 friends and I said she should prioritise family first and I was very clear that me, her dad, my partner and my sister and her partner came first in the pecking order and that the school friends could come out of the Christmas budget if there was enough in there but that if she went over they had to come out of her allowance.

What she then did - spending (money and/or effort) on her friends with little left over for relatives, especially parents, especially you - couldn't be more symbolic of the teenage process of reorientation towards the wider world if it tried. And your insistence on family being top in the pecking order is almost like you dared her. She's done exaxtly what teenagers are supposed to do, looked at in that way. I don't think you're 'controlling' as we ordinarily understand it, but I think the posters who have said you are are picking up on this aspect of what's gone on here. This isn't a competition you were going to win.

And honestly, I'd really really caution against going down the road of reading malice into her actions. She wasn't sneaky. Quite the opposite. She knew you knew she knew those weren't presents she'd bought. She was saying 'I [mis]managed my budget (of money and/or effort) and prioritised my friends (and her further-away family) [as I am supposed to at my age] and I know I'm also supposed to give you something so here it is'. Frankly, you're not uppermost in her mind and thoughts right now, neither should you be. This is the wrong time in her life to want a return on your investment (if there is ever a right one). She loves you. She would fall apart if you died tomorrow. You know that really. Consdering she's deliberately withholding something from you by not giving you tangible tributes is the top of a very slippery slope.

Again, if it was me, the regifted objects would have pride of place on my desk all year and next year the budget would be given with a 'now don't run out of money like last year, OK? I'd really love [inexpensive item X]' and that, plus the year of maturity she'd hopefully gained, would be enough.

Maggiethecat · 23/12/2024 09:11

I always tell my Dc that I don’t want much for Christmas but they do know that I would like to be considered. One of my favourite pressies was when I just started on an allotment and my then 15 yo old gave me 2 packets of veg seeds. I would excitedly hold up a bunch of carrots and handful of basil and remind her of her gift.

Well done Op for telling your Dd how you felt and teaching her how to be kind to those we love.

LinnettdeBelleforte · 23/12/2024 09:48

MartinCrieffsLemon · 22/12/2024 14:27

You make her buy her AUNT and her PARTNER'S gifts from her own money? Over friends that she has genuinely chosen and cares about?

I think that's the most unreasonable thing here

I totally agree. Also her deadbeat dad.

LinnettdeBelleforte · 23/12/2024 09:50

OP, the update makes me side with your daughter. You shouldn't have told her that she couldn't buy for her friends because she has to buy for the father who doesn't even contribute to her keep. I mean WTF? I think she is sending you a message. Listen to her.

Queenofthejabs · 23/12/2024 09:52

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2024 14:15

For total clarity as some people have asked:

DD gets a weekly allowance which is linked to her doing chores. She was also allocated a separate Christmas present budget pot by me which was intended to cover: me, her dad, my partner, my sister and her partner and the 3 or 4 school friends she had indicated she wanted to buy for. I agreed to give her the budget on the basis that she needed to buy all the gifts from it. She initially wanted to buy presents for 6 or 7 friends and I said she should prioritise family first and I was very clear that me, her dad, my partner and my sister and her partner came first in the pecking order and that the school friends could come out of the Christmas budget if there was enough in there but that if she went over they had to come out of her allowance. I even said if there's something very specific you want to buy for me but the budget doesn't cover it let me know and we can negotiate but that she should aim to cover everything from the budget.

Hence being a bit shocked when I knew she had covered everyone else from that money but apparently not me. If she had really wanted something for me and had run out of money and said "I need £x for this, I'm really sorry," I'd have been more sympathetic and probably found the money. It was the fact she just presented these old ornaments to me, in fully knowledge that I'd been very explicit that I (and other family) should be prioritised from that money.

I am buying all the gifts for the wider family, including obviously all hers.

To the people raising the point about seeking validation from your children: it's a fair point and I understand why you've raised it. A PP asked me why I had experienced this as a "fuck you" and I think subconsciously I am a bit upset because I have done and continue to do a lot for her and she knows I've done it largely single-handedly. I appreciate that it's not her job to pander to this, it wasn't her choice and it's not her job to provide me with emotional validation. I didn't mean to imply that it was.

Fundamentally I think a child of nearly 14 should understand the importance of gratitude and taking a bit of time and trouble to buy a present for a loved one, particularly when they have been given a budget explicitly to do this. It was never my intention to imply that she "owed" me and I don't feel she does.

Oh op. You’re not behaving well at all. Do you often treat her like this? I’m going to guess this is not isolated. That girl is going to get to 18 and run. And not look back, it is death by a thousand cuts.

Maggiethecat · 23/12/2024 10:29

Remarkable the number of people on here who seem to think that a13 yo passing off a gift lying around for years is ok and that the child shouldn’t be drawn up on it.

MartinCrieffsLemon · 23/12/2024 10:35

LinnettdeBelleforte · 23/12/2024 09:48

I totally agree. Also her deadbeat dad.

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I hadn't even picked up that she had to buy from this budget for her deadbeat dad

Which is worse. Having to pick which friends are "less important" than the man who had essentially abandoned her

InkHeart2024 · 23/12/2024 10:43

Queenofthejabs · 23/12/2024 09:52

Oh op. You’re not behaving well at all. Do you often treat her like this? I’m going to guess this is not isolated. That girl is going to get to 18 and run. And not look back, it is death by a thousand cuts.

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What a load of bollocks!

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 23/12/2024 11:18

Queenofthejabs · 23/12/2024 09:52

Oh op. You’re not behaving well at all. Do you often treat her like this? I’m going to guess this is not isolated. That girl is going to get to 18 and run. And not look back, it is death by a thousand cuts.

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Bullshit.

MsNeis · 23/12/2024 13:55

TwilightCat · 22/12/2024 08:49

It does show a lack of care. Presumably she ran out of money buying for other people, didn’t know what to do about your birthday, and thought ‘I know, I made these so I’ll just re-give them’. It would feel a bit crap like you weren’t worth the effort to plan for and that a lazy afterthought is good enough.

To me it shows that she is very secure in her mother's love that she knows she doesn't need to make the effort for her. I know to many of you this will sound bonkers or like a cheap excuse, but I truly believe this.
The fact that a child, a teenager at that, overworries with gifts for her mother to me signals something not necessarily good (not saying that if your child gifts you something thoughtful you should worry!). This 13 year old is certainly not worried about disapointing her mother, and that speaks very well about their bond imo.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/12/2024 14:01

InkHeart2024 · 23/12/2024 10:43

What a load of bollocks!

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@Queenofthejabs

Lol this girl is not gonna be scarred for life and no contact with her mum cos her mum didn’t act overjoyed at receiving a shit present!!!

and where exactly do you think she’s gonna “run to” when she turns 18??

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/12/2024 14:02

MsNeis · 23/12/2024 13:55

To me it shows that she is very secure in her mother's love that she knows she doesn't need to make the effort for her. I know to many of you this will sound bonkers or like a cheap excuse, but I truly believe this.
The fact that a child, a teenager at that, overworries with gifts for her mother to me signals something not necessarily good (not saying that if your child gifts you something thoughtful you should worry!). This 13 year old is certainly not worried about disapointing her mother, and that speaks very well about their bond imo.

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@MsNeis

surely it’s a good thing for her to be a bit worried about disappointing her mother with such a rubbish gift? Like just cos it’s her mother doesn’t mean mother isn’t a person too worthy of some thought and consideration.

Maggiethecat · 23/12/2024 14:07

@MsNeis - Secure in mother’s love is good but she also needs to learn how to show love and care to those she loves and who love her.

Can you imagine her treating a future partner like this?

WhatNoRaisins · 23/12/2024 14:11

There's surely some balance between being terrified of a loved ones disapproval and so secure in a relationship that you feel it's ok to treat them poorly.

InkHeart2024 · 23/12/2024 14:14

MsNeis · 23/12/2024 13:55

To me it shows that she is very secure in her mother's love that she knows she doesn't need to make the effort for her. I know to many of you this will sound bonkers or like a cheap excuse, but I truly believe this.
The fact that a child, a teenager at that, overworries with gifts for her mother to me signals something not necessarily good (not saying that if your child gifts you something thoughtful you should worry!). This 13 year old is certainly not worried about disapointing her mother, and that speaks very well about their bond imo.

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total nonsense. Do you think people buy/make gifts to buy the person's love?! Being secure in your mother's love is even more reason to show her some appreciation, not a reason to overlook her FFS. What kind of selfish brats are you people raising?!

happycolahappychildren · 23/12/2024 14:16

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topcat2014 · 23/12/2024 14:38

I tell my daughter she doesn't need to buy me anything. Certainly not with her own money.

By all accounts the Royal family give each other "joke" presents.

Make Christmas about people not stuff

Original poster

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/12/2024 14:43

topcat2014 · 23/12/2024 14:38

I tell my daughter she doesn't need to buy me anything. Certainly not with her own money.

By all accounts the Royal family give each other "joke" presents.

Make Christmas about people not stuff

I take the point about “stuff” and in principle I agree but (and I feel like I have been over this numerous times on this thread), it’s not really about the stuff… it’s about the lack on consideration.

OP posts:

MsNeis · 23/12/2024 14:44

Maggiethecat · 23/12/2024 14:07

@MsNeis - Secure in mother’s love is good but she also needs to learn how to show love and care to those she loves and who love her.

Can you imagine her treating a future partner like this?

Well she is only 13, plenty of time to learn about that. My point is that I don't think her mother needs to worry because her daughter doesn't apreciate her (in my opinion, it's not her daughter's job anyway, but that's beyond the point I'm trying to make).