DD has regifted something to me for my birthday which has been lying around the house for 3 years

[Thepeopleversuswork]

I’m really upset but not sure if I am overreacting or how to handle.

DD (13) has just presented me with two regifted presents: they are both things she made to be fair and they are lovely but they have been in our home for three years one of them was sitting on my desk for a few weeks. They are very familiar to me.

She had a budget from me for Christmas shopping (including my birthday) and I know she has spent a lot of care and love on buying presents for her aunt and her school friends.

I don’t have a problem with regifting in principle but I think giving someone a household object they see every day and presenting it as a birthday present is a real fuck you.

I am really quite upset but I am not sure if I am overreacting and need to find a way to handle it without being really grabby or consumerist and insisting on expensive stuff.

I would be annoyed at this too! I do think sometimes teenagers are about thoughtless. My DD15 is a lovely, caring young woman who loves giving & planning thoughtful gifts. She is autistic so might play a part but she always tells me what she's getting me. I would like a surprise but I just leave it, maybe I should say something! In your shoes, I would've said the same thing as you.

What particularly about me sounds controlling?

Ignore - that’s ridiculous.

I just thought it sounded a bit controlling telling her exactly who she can and can’t buy presents for . At that age friends are everything and she probably just doesn’t want to leave anyone out. I would give her a bit more leeway ( is that the right word) but that’s just me.

Exactly! If she can manage to buy presents for everyone else, it's clearly not beyond her capabilities to buy some flowers or something for her mum.

Don't worry, you don't sound controlling in the slightest.

I just meant that she needed to not spaff all the budget on her friends and leave nothing for family… which in the event turned out to be exactly what happened.

She is 13
You are a grown woman
Are you really upset about this?

But she had money left over - and chose not to spend any of it on her mum.

It's not a case of her running out of money. She could have bought some flowers or a nice present and just decided not to bother.

I also meant to say while friends are everything at that age , you as her Mum will be irreplaceable to her when she grows up.

I’m was upset when I posted. I have “got over it”. It’s all fine.

But I still think regifting something you have found lying around the house when you have been given money explicitly for the purpose of buying presents is a bit of a pisstake. I’m not going to cry myself to sleep over it but I think I was right to call it out!

But I still think regifting something you have found lying around the house when you have been given money explicitly for the purpose of buying presents is a bit of a pisstake. I’m not going to cry myself to sleep over it but I think I was right to call it out!

Well of course you were! Were you supposed to pretend it's OK - when would others think you should have told her - when she was 21? Part of bringing up a child includes allowing them to learn - and telling them if necessary, which in this case it was, - that something is just not on and that they are being selfish.

13 is quite old enough to understand what’s shitty and what isn’t. Making excuses and blaming OP for being a bit out out is just infantilising her and validating shitty behaviour.

I didnt read the whole thread but I responded based on my personality

I’d never give my children money for them to buy presents for me. I give them money for them to buy whatever the hell they want

But that's you - which is great. OP isn't you.

This. Very good reply.

I suppose people have very different approaches to parenting. I'm a bit Malory Towers in that I hope my children will be good sound people the world can lean on. Sometimes that does mean you have find a nice way to tell them no that behaviour isn't ok rather than letting them do whatever they want.

I’m not meaning to be picky here. Probably the devil is in the detail, you can’t possibly put all the detail into a post, and you’ve probably already thought of this, but …

You say you “allocated a separate Christmas present budget pot by me which was intended to cover: me, her dad, my partner, my sister and her partner and the 3 or 4 school friends she had indicated she wanted to buy for.”

Are you sure she understood at the time that your birthday present was also supposed to be bought with that money?

@DangerMouseAndPenfoldx

Fair question.

The budget in this case was Christmas plus my birthday. Because my birthday is three days before Christmas Day we have always wrapped them into the same budget.

I said to her I understood that getting me something for my birthday on top of Christmas would be more expensive and that she should therefore just get me a token thing for my birthday.

But again I would have been happy to just have some chocolates or even just a nice card or a home made meal.

The fact that she tried to pass these things we have both been looking at for years on a daily basis as “my birthday present” has irritated me far more than the lack of a present. There’s a sneakiness about it.

There’s a sneakiness about it.

i wouldn’t have said that, just a little tactless perhaps.

It's a bit "do you think I was born yesterday?" and obviously people don't like being made to feel like that which is why it was right to make it clear that it wasn't an ok thing to do.

There’s a sneakiness about it.

Yes, I think it was sneaky actually - you told her it could be a token present and she took the piss, you were right to call her out on it.

OP my 10 year old DD backs you on this! And she has her moments too…

I can see you acknowledge there may be some resentment over doing everything single-handedly for her that’s feeling your strength of feeling over this. But I think that feeling is justified as it is for many mums. Our society tells us we should put ourselves last. Thank god your standing up for yourself and educating your daughter that this is not right. It might be her one day who is made to feel unappreciated. Oh and happy birthday. 🎁🎂

I think you’ve handled it very well. Have a lovely time at the cinema together.

I think some people massively infantilise young teenagers and seem to think they're the same as 6 year olds. Then once they're 18 they're expected to be fully functioning adults.

By 13, female friendships are about as complex as they can get, and your DD would not do anything similar with her friends - trying to give the same gift years later would not be well received. 13 year olds would definitely expect suitably thoughtful gifts from each other.

I am curious though, OP. When you spoke with her did she tell you what she was thinking in doing it? Was it that she thought you'd like it or thought you wouldn't notice or what?

I think you've done the right thing. I have always hated buying presents and it makes me really anxious. My dad would never be happy with anything and even when I spent hours looking for books on his interests he'd just roll his eyes and scoff and tell me I shouldn't waste my money.

My mum was more polite when I was young but quickly made it clear that she didn't like any of the gifts I got her and would tell me exactly what to buy her every year.

I actually think that providing her with the budget, expecting her to put the thought in, guiding her on ideas and using moments like this as a teaching opportunity is doing her a kindness for the future.