DD has regifted something to me for my birthday which has been lying around the house for 3 years

[Thepeopleversuswork]

I’m really upset but not sure if I am overreacting or how to handle.

DD (13) has just presented me with two regifted presents: they are both things she made to be fair and they are lovely but they have been in our home for three years one of them was sitting on my desk for a few weeks. They are very familiar to me.

She had a budget from me for Christmas shopping (including my birthday) and I know she has spent a lot of care and love on buying presents for her aunt and her school friends.

I don’t have a problem with regifting in principle but I think giving someone a household object they see every day and presenting it as a birthday present is a real fuck you.

I am really quite upset but I am not sure if I am overreacting and need to find a way to handle it without being really grabby or consumerist and insisting on expensive stuff.

I'd stick a bow on her Christmas dinner plate

Wow I never knew I shall expect an expensive gift form my 13 yrs old..I mean I never got given anything..Seems I’m the odd one and out of order..and only one.
How would they get it?
DD doesn’t go out to shops mostly ever and also has not own money unless few pounds I gave her once she ventured out with friend in the summer, also not shops near us unless taking a bus to the town which is faraway.
I would never expect a child to give a gift. Maybe when they start earning some money…But she hasn’t..

Mine are all adults now
But they didn't start buying me gifts at birthdays and Christmas till they were 19/20 ..and I actively discouraged it ,and told them not to waste their money on me .
This is an odd thread

Great idea.

Why is your child being taken shopping to buy family gifts ,that you claim she put a lot of thought in to .
That's a lot of pressure for her .
It's the parents job to buy gifts for family
It's the child's job to receive gifts
This is all bit fucked up

Bravo! Exactly this.

Tell me you’re raising entitled brats without telling me you’re raising entitled brats 🤣

There's a hell of a difference between that and being happy with a bag of broken biscuits from the Co-op!

I don’t see any expectation of expensive gifts? Just a gift that isn’t something the DD has found round the house.

I find it odd your DD doesn’t have any of her own money (or go out to the shops) at 13 unless you really can’t afford it, how is she meant to learn budgeting and independence?

@YaWeeFurryBastard i pay for everything she needs/ wants and when I gave her money, she spent them instantly on sweets.
If she asks she gets money but she lately never asked..hence I don’t expect her to buy me presents.
I must say she made me a beautiful card for my B day, very original and very different.
That counts for me more than buying gifts in shops as she put a thought into it..

I get why you feel hurt by this; I would be too.

She's thirteen and you are her parent and it sounds like you have dealt with it helpfully, by explaining to her why it's not ok.

Parenting is full of these moments, particularly in the teen years (my own are adults now and I am a grandmother). It's painful but necessary, I'd say, to bring them up as responsible and caring human beings.

So even though it's painful I think you are doing really well to not shy away from the difficult conversations. With a mum like you I think she'll turn out ok

For total clarity as some people have asked:

DD gets a weekly allowance which is linked to her doing chores. She was also allocated a separate Christmas present budget pot by me which was intended to cover: me, her dad, my partner, my sister and her partner and the 3 or 4 school friends she had indicated she wanted to buy for. I agreed to give her the budget on the basis that she needed to buy all the gifts from it. She initially wanted to buy presents for 6 or 7 friends and I said she should prioritise family first and I was very clear that me, her dad, my partner and my sister and her partner came first in the pecking order and that the school friends could come out of the Christmas budget if there was enough in there but that if she went over they had to come out of her allowance. I even said if there's something very specific you want to buy for me but the budget doesn't cover it let me know and we can negotiate but that she should aim to cover everything from the budget.

Hence being a bit shocked when I knew she had covered everyone else from that money but apparently not me. If she had really wanted something for me and had run out of money and said "I need £x for this, I'm really sorry," I'd have been more sympathetic and probably found the money. It was the fact she just presented these old ornaments to me, in fully knowledge that I'd been very explicit that I (and other family) should be prioritised from that money.

I am buying all the gifts for the wider family, including obviously all hers.

To the people raising the point about seeking validation from your children: it's a fair point and I understand why you've raised it. A PP asked me why I had experienced this as a "fuck you" and I think subconsciously I am a bit upset because I have done and continue to do a lot for her and she knows I've done it largely single-handedly. I appreciate that it's not her job to pander to this, it wasn't her choice and it's not her job to provide me with emotional validation. I didn't mean to imply that it was.

Fundamentally I think a child of nearly 14 should understand the importance of gratitude and taking a bit of time and trouble to buy a present for a loved one, particularly when they have been given a budget explicitly to do this. It was never my intention to imply that she "owed" me and I don't feel she does.

The first ChatGPT response reads to me as if AI has assumed that the OP's post is what she actually said to her daughter - rather than her venting anonymously on a talk forum.

The second ChatGPT response feels a bit more nuanced and relevant. However it's missing the key bit again IMO - I don't agree that a household ornament which has been about for ages, hastily wrapped up as a present, is something that has been chosen with thought and care.

I'm also really surprised by the number of responses saying to leave it because she's a child. At what age can you tell a child that they have been thoughtless and that this has been hurtful - 15? 18? Surely part and parcel of growing up is realising (whether that's gradually, or by being told) that your actions have an effect on other people including your close family?

You make her buy her AUNT and her PARTNER'S gifts from her own money? Over friends that she has genuinely chosen and cares about?

I think that's the most unreasonable thing here

Also it would be hugely awkward to turn around to you and say "I need more money for your gift". If this partner of yours is living with you then they need to step up and start helping her purchase your gift...

No: I have given her a budget for this. The budget is over and above her allowance and is intended specifically to cover gifts like this because I don’t expect her to cover them from her allowance.

Why? The aunt and partner are family members - why would it be unreasonable to say that gifts for family need to be prioritised? Particularly, if those family members are also likely to be buying gifts for OP's DD.

He offered to do this. She told him she already had the gift.

These responses are just crazy to me.

An almost-fourteen year old is more than capable of buying her mum a birthday present, ffs.

I'm always a bit confused on these threads by the people who act like teenagers are small children incapable of doing any better than this. How on earth do they cope at secondary school if they're that childlike? Do the parents plan to attend uni with them?

Also, I feel that a lot of the "she's just too young to understand about buying presents" commenters haven't really taken on board the fact that this 13 year old has managed to buy presents for everyone on the list apart from her mum

Wow, so many of the responses here explain why the next generation are being raised as spoilt entitled brats.

I just wanted to say I thought you dealt with this really well. It’s important we call this behaviour out at this age as it’s the age they are starting to learn that their behaviour can affect other people’s feelings.

It sounds like she’s being quite thoughtful now, have a lovely cinema trip!

I'm amazed at the number of posters who wouldn't expect better behaviour from a 13 year old. My daughter is 13, and if she wrapped up stuff from around the house, she would also be told how inconsiderate it was.

I made my parents a key rack in a design tech class once. I didn't officially give it to them, so I may sneak round and wrap it up for them for Christmas. 🤣

Reading your update you do sound a bit controlling .Maybe your daughter was feeling a bit rebellious that day .