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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He’s cancelled our Christmas - what can I do?

238 replies

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 02:00

There is a child arrangement order with my abusive ex who is ‘resident’ parent. I have initiated court but for a without notice so he won’t know as he’d stop contact. It’s a whopper of a backstory but not relevant now. The order was that he’d make my son available for ‘reasonable time’ with me. Of course that’s literally as little as possible. My son is really suffering as he wants to be with me. Come home or at least spend more than 5 hours a week with me. I’ve tried everything, mediation galore, you name it. He won’t engage. Behind the scenes I’m organising medical evidence proving he made me physically unwell via the DV. That will take a bit more time. So I fed back to my sons safeguarding lead some concerns I had and they raised it as a safeguarding flag (I don’t know what this means?) and he has hit the roof via the parent app. He has told me that from now on I won’t see my son. I have to find and pay for a mediator but he has to approve and have final say. He’s cancelled our planned Christmas together whereby I was going to have my very first overnight in two years, something my son is desperate for. He’s only five. Last year I wasn’t allowed to wish him merry Christmas. Or happy birthday. I can’t go to the school for events. I had to do a SARS for his medical records. I am with family abroad this Christmas Day and a zoom was organised for my parents and my son and me obviously, our Xmas was being celebrated when I returned. He’s told my son I have a ‘bug’ and I’m banned from joining in the zoom call on Christmas Day. My second Christmas without any contact. I haven’t a clue how long the court will take, it’s been about five weeks since I applied marking if urgent. The little time we have together we always have an amazing time, we are like peas in a pod, he never wants to leave me and he’s told every professional going what he wants - me. But ex won’t move at all. Up until recently he had me supervised for one hour a week for well over a year. The social worked just said they can’t make him do anything and my only option is court. They can say I’m no risk and it’s best for my son but if he won’t listen they can’t get involved. This is going to devastate my son. He’s finally gotten into our new routine of our 5 hours a week being at his home with me and now it’s been completely stopped meaning tomorrow and Xmas ever I now won’t see him. Our 2nd January ‘mini Xmas’ and ‘sleepover’ is cancelled. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. I just want to scoop him up and keep him for the knowledge of the impending catastrophic emotional damage that he’s going to be experiencing in the coming day, on top of an already deeply traumatised 18 months. He is looking for any reason to block contact. If I don’t feed my son at the exact time ex insists I do. So many micro rules. If I don’t reply to a non urgent message fast enough he will bombard the app with 24 messages I had over only 2 days last week! I was in a total state of trauma looping and anxiety I couldn’t even open them and had a friend do it. He said no contact until I had read and responded and if he felt it was an acceptable response contact could go ahead but he demands that I check the app twice a day every day or contact will stop. My experience in court was unlike anything I could even comprehend and in that way I feel conditioned to believe that he is right and anything he says is believed without me even being asked. I’m scare that this will happen again, his criminal record ignored, his positive drug test ignored, his everything ignored and things that he says with no evidence that aren’t true that I have evidence to prove it’s untrue aren’t even seeing the light of day. I clam up under pressure, he is perfectly calm and very very authoritative whereas I cry and then look crazy. I’m asking for some outside non conditioned brains and opines on what I should do, would I be unreasonable to make a further urgent emergency app to court on Monday to stop this awful man severing my son and I for god knows how long?

OP posts:
twobluehorses · 22/12/2024 06:44

OP are you biologically female and are you the child’s biological mother?

tolerable · 22/12/2024 06:47

HAVE you acknowledged whatever led to...? wow !!
how bout continual abuse(him-to her)led to it..Is continue -hepretty much text book RAT . ex- is thrive on continue coercive control. He absolutely weaponise their child-wi no regard effect.is fly monkeys-but am n sure-cos from experience-the wereni charmed/misled- hes not pulling fast one. n qa campaign level
"No way judge award..." THATs not fact based.Judge fed details from proffessionls. ..a misled hjudge absolutely is a waay!

Your Right!-acknowledging her part is crucial
Yet-you havent-g as far as you dismissed her account entirely..THats also crucial.
CAN you-even try to imagine...NOT being allowed see your child.full"burn her shes aa witch crew"absolutely refuse listen\help\do job.
they did bare minimum contacts- the arrangement for xmas been agreed.
You tell her t FORGET CHRISTMAS- are you for real...? are you say she to blame wee one set up in advance??? HE has cancelled.
cos he can.
volatile? hes an absolute bastard. ..what effect you think gony have on 5 yr old? n sleepo-no videochat?

iM not even sorry im get so angry at arious responses\making HUGE MASSIVE HORRIFIC decisions based on wh\at they think they know-or expect.

@Birdofpain - as i said-i lived it- 909days. but all the same one.very similar circumstances.
Do you have any support? friends/family?

Im say that -knowing full well i still got phone on mute- wasnt chatty. also cs it all so crazy,rotten n wrong is near impossible to speak bout any of it without rapid spin -right round more circles/
i would cc mum,ds1,both sisters.emails. i gt a independent sc wrkr who now does parental rights advocacy.
the authorites didnt react well to that either..BUT you absolutely need support.immediately. They cant be trusted at all.family rights site be able tell you. where n who.
i will keep you in my thoughts.sendingbest wishes to you and your boy-mine is home.~#909days after kidnapt. BUT home.
never give up

UndertheseaPineappleHouse · 22/12/2024 06:56

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 22/12/2024 05:21

Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but are you saying the courts accused you of having a penis?

No that’s a made up example. Reading between the lines, it’s more likely the domestic abuse OP was experiencing made her ill for a while, perhaps she had a mental breakdown or something similar, which was treated/dealt with when she left her ex. But then in court her ex or his lawyer said something like she is suffering from bipolar disorder or schizophrenia or some other mental disorder than requires careful lifelong care and treatment rather than a temporary issue that was entirely caused by her ex’s abuse towards her, and she was left in court saying, ‘I don’t have a penis/bipolar/schizophrenia - I can show you my doctor’s reports’ but she wasn’t believed.

Pianoooo · 22/12/2024 07:01

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 22/12/2024 07:24

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That would be abduction since the OP has no residency and is not even entitled to access her son’s medical records.

There is clearly far more to this, advising the OP to abduct the child can only make things worse, and involving the media will mean the reasons why the situation is the way it is becoming public knowledge..

This man may be abusive, or the OP may be interpreting his need to protect the child as abuse.

The courts don’t award full residency with 0 court awarded contact for no reason.

Rosscameasdoody · 22/12/2024 07:26

steff13 · 22/12/2024 03:18

Do you all not have the equivalent of what we have in the US called a guardian ad litem? You need to get an attorney and get a guardian ad litem appointed.

From the OP’s update So compelling was he that the guardian ad litum didn’t see the point in hearing my side nor observing nor assessing me so I was never going to be heard.

Chocolatesnowman2 · 22/12/2024 07:34

How on earth has he ended up as resident parent

Chocolatesnowman2 · 22/12/2024 07:38

How did your son end up living with his dad

Elsvieta · 22/12/2024 07:42

I know it's distressing to both you and your son to have your Christmas plans wrecked, but you really have to let that go, stop focussing on the short-term stuff like a specific sleepover or whatever, and think more about sorting this for the long term. Your ex has been controlling you, and the whole situation, by dangling the next visit / contact like bait and threatening to take it away if you aren't compliant, and you're playing his game; that's what has to stop. Leave it til the new year, get a lawyer and go to court.

Do not cry in court. They'll use anything to make you look "unstable". Keep answers to questions factual and simple and do not go off on tangents or use odd metaphors or rhetorical devices or anything that could give them an excuse for saying you're "confused" or whatever.

Gather together all the evidence you have (never delete any messages from the ex) and have it ready to give to your lawyer. Good luck.

Katypp · 22/12/2024 07:45

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/12/2024 03:06

I am also a fan of Cabin Pressure.

You assume that it was court ordered, not that the OP was simply brow beaten by the man who abused her and she was too scared to fight back. Neither of us know, so why assume that she is the issue. She said that she is spending Xmas with her family abroad, not that she lives there, that they have "mini Xmas" in January and it is that that he has refused access for.

Because if this was written by a man in the OP's boat, you would absolutely assume it was his issue.
I have posted before about the hoops my dh had to jump through at the hands of an ex like the OP's and was roundly told, over and over again, his ex must have her reasons for behaving like this, my DH must be the problem and he should suck it up basically.
So what's different?

Jingleberryalltheway · 22/12/2024 07:47

MartinCrieffsLemon · 22/12/2024 02:59

I'd quite like to know the backstory which allowed an abusive man to have main custody

I thought the mother was usually more favoured for that

Which would make me think substance abuse may be a part of the backstory?

You're also in another country but want contact, a man would be slaughtered on here for daring to leave his child like that

50/50 is the norm if both parents to have their child that much.

OP - why didn’t you go for 50% in court.

Snowangles · 22/12/2024 07:50

On the Sarah sharif thread someone posted ai mysogeny in courts it's rife agaisnt women.

RedHelenB · 22/12/2024 07:52

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 02:01

Oh god it’s a wall of text! I am so sorry, I meant to go back and chop it up into near paragraphs but press post by accident and now I cant seem to edit?

im so so sorry

Why was he awarded residency? It is very very unusual, particularly if he is a drug user and has a criminal record and your ds has stated ge wants to be with you For a long opening poat you have left out sone crucial details.

Katypp · 22/12/2024 07:53

Elsvieta · 22/12/2024 07:42

I know it's distressing to both you and your son to have your Christmas plans wrecked, but you really have to let that go, stop focussing on the short-term stuff like a specific sleepover or whatever, and think more about sorting this for the long term. Your ex has been controlling you, and the whole situation, by dangling the next visit / contact like bait and threatening to take it away if you aren't compliant, and you're playing his game; that's what has to stop. Leave it til the new year, get a lawyer and go to court.

Do not cry in court. They'll use anything to make you look "unstable". Keep answers to questions factual and simple and do not go off on tangents or use odd metaphors or rhetorical devices or anything that could give them an excuse for saying you're "confused" or whatever.

Gather together all the evidence you have (never delete any messages from the ex) and have it ready to give to your lawyer. Good luck.

Good luck with that.
10 years through family courts, three CAFCAS reports concluding his ex was 'deliberately alienating' the children from their father and hours of mediation booked, none of which the ex attended, and £20,000 spent before my DH eventually gave up. He was called 'a Prince among men' on here for that by the way.
He walked away because his ex would stop at nothing and it was affecting the boys too much.
And I am sorry to say that this new edict that 'domestic abuse' must be a priority over parental alienation in family courts is a gift to people like my dh's ex, who will basically make things up.

Katypp · 22/12/2024 07:55

Snowangles · 22/12/2024 07:50

On the Sarah sharif thread someone posted ai mysogeny in courts it's rife agaisnt women.

This is not our experience

Barney16 · 22/12/2024 07:55

I think your OP is quite confusing but given the circumstances I can quite understand why. I write from the perspective that everything you say is true, I'm sure there's a huge backstory and what you have written is your side of the story. You need legal advice. You need a solicitor that specialises in family law and if you can't afford it you need to beg your family to help you pay for it. If you already have a solicitor you need a better one.

Snowangles · 22/12/2024 07:59

@Katypp an ai model gathered all the comments made by judges.

mitogoshigg · 22/12/2024 08:01

Op, you need specialist legal advice and counsel but I'm sure there's a lot more than what you have written because judges generally award 50/50 or at a minimum eow plus one night midweek when the parent is considered to be in a position to share custody, failing either of those due to lack of suitable accommodation they will mandate 6 hours on a Saturday for instance. Your arrangement is highly unusual hence there's more to this, you obviously aren't considered to need supervision as no contact centre was mandated, that's a positive.

My advice, request more access than perhaps you'll settle for, ask for 50/50 if you live close enough for school but be prepared for it to be gradual build up

BeRubyHedgehog · 22/12/2024 08:11

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BeRubyHedgehog · 22/12/2024 08:12

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mindutopia · 22/12/2024 08:15

The best thing you can do is play the long game. Stop spiralling. Reply calmly in the app that he has told your son that you are ill when you are not and stopped your contact. Make sure it’s all documented. Your son will grow up not even remembering this Christmas. Focus on the future and what’s best for him, not one day.

(For what it’s worth, I have a friend in very similar circumstances. Ex has a record of DV and coercive control. Is an absolute asshole. But he has money and he has a whole family who are absolute assholes.). Malicious reports made against her. Withholding her child and not bringing him home or taking him to school. He has managed to get a judge to reverse the contact arrangements. He is now resident parent, she only sees her ds EOW, ex has moved him 300 miles away from his school and all his friends. He works long hours so barely sees him. His mum and sisters do all the parenting. Poor kid doesn’t see either of his parents now. It absolutely does happen in controlling relationships with narcissistic men who charm everyone and have the money to rig the system.

Igmum · 22/12/2024 08:18

I cannot comment on the back story here but the UK family courts are a nightmare for ignoring VAWG, PD12J and focusing on how wonderful the men are despite the evidence. And yes I've had a CAFCASS guardian ad litem write reports using the father's side only.

Sadly other bodies - social services, Police etc cannot override the courts. You need a lawyer or a MacKenzie friend to speak for you. Carry on with your application for legal aid.

I agree you can't do anything about Christmas now but with screenshots from the app, raising the DV and (presumably) showing how you have tackled your own MH issues you can change things going forward.

Balancedcitizen101 · 22/12/2024 08:29

I voted YANBU although maybe we need the backstory. I hope things get better and work out for you. Probably escalate with courts if you can. Might not be relevant but I work for an LA and taking money away from them by suing them doesn't improve children's services for other children in the area. Sorry if you are not doing that and I misunderstood. I accept LA can get it wrong in hindsight sometimes. Good luck with getting a better situation.

ChiliFiend · 22/12/2024 08:32

You need to get a lawyer, asap. This isn't right and they will be able to help you navigate it.

Unitedthebest · 22/12/2024 08:37

I’m a teacher. Why are you not allowed to school events? This is very important here. It is incredibly rare for a parent to be prohibited from attending things unless something substantial had happened. I’m not making a judgement btw-genuinely interested as this is very unusual