Husband walked out when I confessed

[LuckyAquaCat]

Since I was a child I have had a psychological condition, I pull my hair out. It’s called trichotillomania. I had never told anyone I did it and hid it, I was very ashamed of it and thought I was the only person who did this (I’ve since found out it’s quite common).
Anyway when I met my husband I finally told him about this, after we’d been together a year or so. It was a big deal for me as I’d never told anyone. He was surprised but ok when I told him, but the next morning I woke up and he was sleeping in the spare room. He said he couldn’t handle me being ‘mentally ill’,no one in his family is mentally ill and if I didn’t stop it he wouldn’t carry on with our planned marriage. He has kept looking at my hair constantly and making me feel even worse about how I look. I found out I’m pregnant just after this happened, as planned, I’m so devastated as I feel I’m now having to be with him even though he’s being really unpleasant to me over something I don’t have control over.

OP this sounds absolutely awful, he sounds like a turd. Is there more to it - cultural etc?
I'm very sorry that you now seem married and sharing a child with such an awful man.

Not an easy situation. You are entitled to be who you are, “mad” is not a proper word to use about you. It must feel cruel and unloving. But can you hope to “re-engineer” his mind? Relationship counselling could be a way forward. With a man whose family has never had a “mad” person in it? That sounds so very very unlikely. No compulsory nose-pickers, no “you must always hold the knife in the right hand, fork in the left” fanatics?

Oaft what a sack of shit. Anyone can get poor mental health at any time in life, so much for in sickness and in health eh? What if you got post natal depression would he walk then as well?

How awful for you. And not very good for him either to have such a negative, almost fearful view of even a relatively mild mental illness. I wonder what is at the root of his difficulties? I would have a confidential word with your GP about this. There is likely much more to this than meets the eye. I think you need some independent support whilst you seriously consider whether you should stay with this appalling man, and look at what your options may be.

I’ve clicked YABU. You are being unreasonable for feeling like you have to accept his vile behaviour and treatment.
You have a condition as millions of people do, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s part of you.
Embrace WHO you are and put your husband to shame.
You don’t have to stay with that horrible uneducated wanker.
Wishing you all the best OP 💐💜

He says there is no mental illness in his family, and yet he reacts in this way. Narcissism is nowadays described as a mental illness. Traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder include having no empathy for others, seeking to put and do others down, and being driven to harm the self-esteem of others, particularly "loved" ones. I'm not sure he's quite correct when he says there is no mental illness in his family - I think he's the one with the much more serious problem. All you've got there is a habit, nothing worse. In truth, you should be far more worried than he is.

Anyway, you need to seek out therapy, chiefly to banish the shame. Shame is both pointless and needless. Shame is very self-destructive and it is totally out of place in this instance. Deal with the shame first, because without it you'll find it easier to overcome the habit and your self-esteem will rise. Then you'll find you can decide more easily what to do about your problematic husband.

I remember telling my first boyfriend back in uni that I was suffering from an eating disorder. We were 18. He was so kind and concerned.

This man is horrible. I can’t see him being there in the future when you are struggling with anything. So what if he tells his family? You have nothing to be ashamed of. But you deserve better.

Nope sorry this is a ridiculous post. What 2 comments? It’s a thing that didn’t happen! Get a grip. Pulling your hair? Is that now a mental diagnosis?
How about I write a post about how the man who put a supposed £5k ring on my finger 2 years ago this Xmas decided to take everything I own, away from me? Oh no. Not good enough for net mums!!

Sounds like he is the one 'mentally ill'...

What a shit! Why did you marry him? It’s not the 1800s. Do you want someone like that to bring up your child? What will he do if your child has mental health issues? Will he threaten them to stop or he’ll tell other people? He has a terrible attitude to mental health and his attitude to you exhibits his misogyny too. You have nothing to be ashamed of regarding your condition. Ask your GP for a referral for therapy for this.
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/trichotillomania/

There are loads of organisations dedicated to this condition which can support you and offer advice. There are probably Facebook groups as well.
www.google.com/search?q=trichotillomania+organization&client=safari&sca_esv=706a3250d026367c&hl=en-gb&sxsrf=ADLYWILQRIKrJEA-7c55ZAf-hVCQcFYTpQ%3A1734978805960&ei=9axpZ9qcOvmWhbIP2q70mAg&oq=trichotillomania+org&gs_lp=EhNtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXdpei1zZXJwIhR0cmljaG90aWxsb21hbmlhIG9yZyoCCAAyBRAAGIAEMgsQABiABBiGAxiKBTILEAAYgAQYhgMYigUyCxAAGIAEGIYDGIoFMgsQABiABBiGAxiKBTIFEAAY7wUyBRAAGO8FMggQABiABBiiBEiJQVDXDljJM3ACeACQAQGYAYkBoAG-BKoBAzAuNbgBAcgBAPgBAZgCBKAChQTCAgoQABiABBhDGIoFwgIKEAAYgAQYFBiHAsICCxAAGIAEGJECGIoFwgIHEAAYgAQYCpgDAIgGAZIHAzAuNKAH1xQ&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-serp

your husband but you’re not yet married? What. Yep. I think you need some help

It strikes me that you have a problem which isn't dreadful, but needs some empathy & compassion in order to move on from it. When presented with this problem he has failed at the 1st hurdle. I am so sorry that he hasn't helped you.

Moving forward I think that the 2 of you need to come together and realise that he needs to support you, and then the 2 of you can resolve this.

Quite how you do this isn't obvious or easy, but you need a frank discussion as a starter.

Oh my goodness. That's awful

My ex had a similar view of my parent who has a mental illness. Said wouldn't allow a child of his near them.. he is an ex for a reason and I am a single parent.
What an awful attitude. And to say would tell people etc is just horrible.
I assume he has odd and controlling reactions to other things?
The fact he went and slept in the next room after you opened your heart shows what sort of a person he is..

OP, first of all—congrats on your little baby on the way. There's lots of feedback has come your way. One thing to consider is that as a middle-aged woman who's seen many ups and downs, your husband sounds like he was already getting cold feet and looking for reasons to run away from the relationship before you even announced your mental illness or pregnancy.

When you marry someone, your deep mutual love, respect, and determination for each other is what helps you endure these ups and downs in life and make choices that benefit you both and any children you choose to have. You both went through this marriage together—but did you gain clarity on why you both proceeded despite these big revelations? It might be worth consulting a couples or marriage counselor.

2 things I'd focus on—

1. What type of environment and relationship do you want to model for your little one? Clarify this for yourself, and also get clarity from your husband. Without addressing the issues behind your relationship before and after marriage with a professional, and coming up with agreements and actions, you give these issues more fuel to grow, along with the resentment and stress that comes with it. Don't wait and ignore these issues expecting it to magically go away once the baby comes. If anything—you both need to be present and willing if you genuinely want to give your relationship a chance and work at it. Kids are crazy perceptive even at a young age. If it becomes clear that you both have irreconcilable differences, then better to end it sooner rather than later, and start figuring out the terms of your separation—including custody.
2. If things go south, what happens once your baby is born? Are there any hidden agendas that your husband might have? Has he indicated how long he intends to stay in this marriage? Have you had an honest heart to heart about this yourself? Is he pushing ultimatums or speaking poorly about you to his friends and family? One thing that I'd be weary of is to make sure that you don't let your husband push you to your emotional extremes or create any kind of case or perception that places him as someone who should have full custody—which also includes gathering witnesses. I would take the steps necessary to secure and maintain financial independence and proactively consult a divorce attorney even if you decide to stay married so that they can offer some advice. Better to have a good offense than to find yourself in a reactive defense position, especially now that you have a baby.

By planned marriage do you mean an arranged marriage?? Sounds like neither of you are happily married, presuming separation would be difficult due to religious beliefs ect

Exactly this.
My ex would say I was like my personality disorder parent if I didn't agree etc ..

He's a horrible person. You and your baby will be better off without him. You are not mentally ill, he is just nasty.

He’s probably mentally ill himself hun, you should divorce his arse

Get rid of him now. Don't wait to see will he come around, etc etc..... I hate this thing of people having to wait to see if their partner will come to terms with any illness. If he doesn't except it straight away then he's not worth it. What makes him so special that you have be on tender hooks. If it were me, I'd have kicked him out the day after when he made those remarks. You're already setting yourself up to be a door mat for him, cause he's just tested you, and you've lobbed over, by letting him treat you that way..... do yourself a favour, and your child. Have his stuff packed when he walks in from work, and send him on his merry way. Show him you can be callous just like him. He'll keep doing that to you for the rest of your marriage if you don't make a stand now. Let him come crying to you, and turn the tables. And before you take him back, make him grovel for even as much as a hello from you.
If he doesn't bother doing any of that after you've flung him, then it was meant to be. You're best off without him. But please don't just go on as it is, trying to appease him. If you do then anything you get is sadly gonna be your own doing, cause you've let him.
MAKE THE STAND NOW!!!

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but hair pulling is a similar compulsion to nail biting and skin picking. Yes there are fidget toys available but fir me, none provide the same satisfaction! Anyway thus may have come up already but I wanted to mention adhd to the OP and other pickers/ pullers. It is often a symptom might be worth exploring. For me, a diagnosis helped either the shame and remarkably medication had almost eradicated the desire. Aside from adhd, there are other meds that can address it bug you'll need an informed GP. I'm guessing they are few and far between.

Oh yes and OP - there's definitely something wrong with your husband- some underlying issue. He's not going to address it so there's not much you can do. He has a problem much bigger than yours. Don't waste your life trying to deal with it.

He's the weirdo, not you.

People who are so afraid of mental health like that can be the ones who end up as complete maniacs because they refuse to acknowledge any weakness on their own part. Not only do they lack self-awareness but they end up with increasingly far fetched justifications for anything they do wrong.

My FIL is one. He's actually a deeply flawed and damaged man, but he has lost all his family due to his inability to accept that he's ever done anything wrong. This has led him down increasingly bizarre behaviour traits and rants.

Also many men who leave their wives end up demonising them to justify their own appalling behaviour. I see you ex-BIL.

Be careful. 🙏

Hi op - I have this condition - I started when I was 12 - it's a form of disassociation for me - a way of dealing with childhood trauma - a lot of women start it during teenage years for various reasons. You are not MAD - it's an obsessive compulsive disorder - CBT can help, so can certain anti depressants - what has helped me is dealing with the childhood trauma . I'm 50 now and I do it much less. He's not a loving caring man and he should show you Compassion. **

As you say this kind of thing is really common & His response to you is unacceptable. Lots of people with children leave unhappy marriages; It doesn’t sound like you have anything to stay for. Also suggest seeking therapy - Good luck with your choices.

I pull and snap my hair when I'm stressed. When I was a child I did it so much my mum had my hair cut like a boy, it was awful.
Point is, you're not alone. And the way hes acting will make it worse.
Honestly I couldn't stay with someone so cruel and unsupportive.

How horrible for you OP, I skin pick (badly at times until bleeding and sore), I also bite and pick my lip, have had various other similar habits at different times since childhood and it’s very difficult not to do these things.