Husband walked out when I confessed

[LuckyAquaCat]

Since I was a child I have had a psychological condition, I pull my hair out. It’s called trichotillomania. I had never told anyone I did it and hid it, I was very ashamed of it and thought I was the only person who did this (I’ve since found out it’s quite common).
Anyway when I met my husband I finally told him about this, after we’d been together a year or so. It was a big deal for me as I’d never told anyone. He was surprised but ok when I told him, but the next morning I woke up and he was sleeping in the spare room. He said he couldn’t handle me being ‘mentally ill’,no one in his family is mentally ill and if I didn’t stop it he wouldn’t carry on with our planned marriage. He has kept looking at my hair constantly and making me feel even worse about how I look. I found out I’m pregnant just after this happened, as planned, I’m so devastated as I feel I’m now having to be with him even though he’s being really unpleasant to me over something I don’t have control over.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/trichotillomania/symptoms-causes/syc-20355188

https://www.trichstop.com/faq
I am sorry that when you confided in H - he did not respond with empathy/ or a more supportive approach. One in three of us will experience some type of mental illness - be it post natal depression, OCD, PTSD etc. There should not be stigma. You are beautiful and this does not define you. The worst thing for a lot of conditions is stress. Exercise, cognitive behavioural therapy, mindfulness may help. I think that you are incredibly brave to be talking about it. Xox

oh darling.
life is a long road, we don’t know what will happen and the person you want is the one who will support you through it, have your back.
im sorry he is not that person

how would he feel if you had post natal depression, if your child needed some extra support?
I think you need to think of this is the right person for you and your child

AH how does he know if any family members are mentally ill its not something people talk about we don't plaster it all over. Its not a switch were you can just stop or turn off and on. You don't have to be with him just because you're pregnant watch out the unpleasantness dosent get worse also just a little warning if hes an ah and tells his family be prepared for any nastiness from them you're very brave. If possible please seek some help if you haven't already. He needs to grow a pair and support you

how bad it could be when you're pushing 40 as most people's life problems peak around then...

This is what happened to me. I am a shell of the person I was when we met. He’s stuck around without complaint (so far!)
i am acutely aware it’s not what he signed up for

OP, I am sorry you are going through this.
As someone who works in mental health, I can tell you that your condition is fairly common. It is also treatable with CBT being the recommended therapy.

You deserve to be treated with compassion, empathy and understanding. Not judgement or criticism. I am disappointed in your husband’s response. It sounds as though there is stigma towards it from him and his family.

Are you able to seek some support via counselling currently as being pregnant, you need a safe and confidential space for support for yourself…

When you are in a more stable condition (in your relationship, after pregnancy etc) it might be that you can refer yourself for some CBT to start coping with the trichotillomania.

Why are YOU so ashamed? It’s him who should be ashamed treating you the way he is. He’ll tell his family about it! So what! Get rid of him as he obviously doesn’t give a damn how you are feeling! If my son came to me about it to hurt you I would tell him to grow up and think of how you feel and what you are going through and that he’s pathetic to treat you like he is. Unfortunately he just doesn’t care so I would cut your losses and look forward to your baby by yourself. He’s not worth wasting your precious life with.

I have trich so completely understand how hard it is, I find it extremely difficult to tell people too. I've been pulling for 15 years. No eyelashes and when covid hit and I didn't have to see anyone I started on my head. I've grown my nails in the lasy few months (also a nail biter!) and that helps a bit with the eyelash pulling.

That's a really weird reaction from your husband. He's supposed to be your biggest support and he's showing none. Threatning to tell people is majorly out of order too.

How is he in your relationship otherwise? I would question if I wanted to be with him.. what if your baby suffers with their mental health when they grow up, will he be supprotive then?!

First, OP, you did a very brave thing in telling your husband. You must have trusted him completely at that point, but it's still so hard to reveal things you've generally kept hidden or never talked about - so you should be very proud of yourself for having that strength. But I'm sorry to say that, even viewed in an extremely charitable light, your DH seems someone who hasn't had to deal with much in life, including relationships. He isn't even trying to give love, understanding and support to his partner when she's in pain; instead he throws it all back on her, as if she's done something to him. If he can't manage to be supportive now, at the beginning of your relationship, how supportive is he likely to be during the ups and downs of marriage and child-raising?

Given this, can you really imagine going forward with him? What about your child: will he blame the child for anything that happens to them, like illness or an accident? He is treating you like you can control your compulsion but choose not to; do you think he wouldn't do this to a child as well? His threats to 'out' you if you don't just stop show a complete lack of understanding and, more importantly, a lack of desire to understand. Would that guy be a good dad?

If you're determined to stick with him though, it may be possible to educate him. If he really is that ignorant, a gentle introduction to how the world is a much more complicated place than he ever imagined, with references to celebs who have spoken out about MH, info from MH charities etc, could possibly instil some awareness. If he responds well, the real proof of his character will come when the next crisis arises, when you see whether he's managed to learn anything... but unfortunately I would tend to vote with the LTB posters that you shouldn't waste your time giving him the chance. It's not his ignorance about MH issues that's the problem - plenty of people are plenty ignorant about anything they haven't encountered before! - it's his strange lack of desire to understand and support his partner, no matter what the problem is. I wouldn't start a family with that guy, OP. Sorry...

Hear, hear

You could always put hair remover in his shampoo or nip bits from his hair on the back of his head when asleep . . .

He should be supporting his pregnant wife in sickness (including emotional) and in health.
He's not.
Go to people who love and will help you before baby is born - I was so well looked after by my parents.

Absolutely this.

Commenting to say you aren't alone. I've had trichotillomania for years. For almost long as I can remember, I remember being told off for playing with my hair at primary school.
Not sure why but it seems to have changed more to dermatilomania in the last couple of years.

Various friends, family and colleagues have commented on it, I think they accept it as me for the most part.
I've tried fidgets, doesn't work.
One thing that works for me is putting plasters on my fingertips. Have you tried this?

I'm so sorry about your husband. He sounds like a judgemental cruel arsehole.
You don't have to stay with those man.
Do you have people in real life to help or talk to?

How can this man withstand the ups and downs of marriage let alone childbirth and parenting ? Has he been protected from everything difficult in life ! His reaction is at least selfish and quite frankly cruel and infantile .
Your situation isn’t going to be improved with this judgement and the additional stress of his uneducated opinion .
Honestly , l would never entertain the person who is meant to love and cherish me acting this way. Please think about breaking away from. This marriage isn’t healthy .

He's a nasty unsupportive bastard Leave your life will be happier

Oh my God. OP, I am so sorry to read this. I have trich too: diagnosed at 12, still have it aged 40. I'm now 90% bald; I shave what little hair I do have (for me, this is the only thing that controls the urges to pull) and wear wigs daily (lmk if you want any recs, wigs have come on in leaps and bounds, you can get dirt-cheap yet very realistic ones now!).

I have also been terrified to tell partners in the past, but in fairness to them, all have reacted brilliantly. I cannot fathom the hurt, shame, and upset I would've felt if any had reacted in the way you describe. This disorder is so incredibly characterised by shame anyway - really, the shame is SO much more damaging than the action of hairpulling itself - and this utter prick, who is meant to be on YOUR side, has just compounded it.

I cannot stress this enough: You need to ditch this prick, NOW. You will not get over this - and nor should you have to. You deserve better. As do any kids you currently have or will have in the future. You do NOT want this kind of attitude around any children. And you do not need it around yourself.

What an absolute fucking cunt. I hope you're ok. Please, please leave him. x

To other posters who are suggesting solutions to trich: I know this is all well-meaning, but trich is almost always a chronic disorder. Some people manage to stop pulling temporarily, but nearly always relapse. The urge to pull is indescribably strong.

Trich's nearest neighbour, neurologically, is Tourette's. While well-meaning, some of the solutions proposed amount to "have you tried just... not tic-ing?"! This isn't a case of "have more willpower" / "have you tried pulling hair out of a doll?". That's a bit like telling a man to jerk off a cucumber instead of masturbating, or a heroin addict to inject heroin into a fake arm. Just a fundamental misunderstanding of the mechanisms and rewards going on here... It's not about the hand that does the pulling; it's about the sensation in the scalp (or wherever) of the hair being plucked out.

By all means, OP, try whatever strategies appeal to you if you're really keen to stop pulling. Habit-reversal therapy is the gold standard of treatment (it's a form of CBT). But even that has very low success rates over the long term. Again, this disorder is almost always chronic. The best strategy to pursue is radical self-acceptance: extracting the shame that you feel, realising that it could be worse (it's not cancer, AIDS, etc.), that you are absolutely fine as you are, that it's not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things, etc. This is HARD, but so worthwhile - and so much more effective than spending your entire life and savings pursuing a "cure" that, unfortunately, does not exist.

But anyway - this is all by the by - the main thing is: leave your husband! x

You are probably plucking your hair out because you are hyper anxious - that is probably what needs to be addressed. Fix that and the hair plucking might fix itself. Whatever is going on in this case I think, all too often, we give a name to a habit and then sit back telling ourselves we have a diagnosed named condition so there is no point even trying to make any effort to try to re-condition it out of ourselves.

This is such a good post. I'd be rich if I had a pound for friends and family saying "it's just like biting your nails, just wear gloves, just stop" haha yes that's right, I hadn't thought of doing that...

Omg NO

And imagine if you ALSO had a pound for all the people, like the guy up there ^, who assume that it's a physical expression of inner turmoil, anxiety, trauma, etc.?! I wonder if these people realise that they are literally just assuming this based on no evidence whatsoever, apart from a popular idiom for stress ("I was tearing my hair out")? I wonder if they realise that they are just parroting Freud's bullshit idea of "conversion syndrome", which has been scientifically discredited since forever?!

Honest to God, the shit I had to put up with as a kid (and as an adult, tbf) from therapists looking to extract some "repressed trauma", which just did not exist, based on their own whackjob assumptions - not the evidence - regarding what hairpulling "MEANS"... That profession desperately needs regulation, it's absolutely wild.

Anyway!

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy ha, right?! "Have you tried just... not doing it?" Wow, thank you so much, you absolute genius, I would never have thought of that myself!

I am going to share with you a lil extract from my book-in-progress, which is about my experiences with trich (and the batshit theories people have about it). This bit is about my attempts to stop:

"I tried wearing a beanie hat constantly, even to bed. Ditto mittens. Ditto hat and mittens. I tried sticking long fake nails over my short ragged ones so I couldn’t grip any hairs (and promptly ripped them off when I realised I couldn’t fasten buttons or zips). I tried sticking plasters on all my fingertips. I tried throwing out all the tweezers in the house (much to the annoyance of Mum and my sister). I tried never being alone.

None of it worked, so I took it up a notch.

I tried punching myself after each pulling session (on my thighs, where no one would see the bruises). I tried sticking safety pins into the parts of my scalp where the tingly pull me! urges arose (my head was soon rubied with scabs). I tried slashing my fingertips with a razorblade. I tried cutting myself once after each pulling session. I tried one cut per individual hair pulled: tit for tat (the hundreds of cuts amalgamated into an oozing wound on my right thigh. Throughout the day, in a thwarted attempt to heal, thick scabs formed over my thin school tights. I had to rip them off to go to the toilet, and the whole bloody process would start again.)

None of it worked.

A thousand times, none of it worked."

What people REALLY need to realise before shooting their clueless mouths off is that trich causes trauma, not the other way around. (More specifically, people's cruel reactions to trich cause trauma - both their misguided assumptions about us being crazy, or about WHY we pull, and the bullying that people with trich often sadly experience when their bald patches become visible.)

You realise that trichotillomania, or hair pulling disorder, is a mental health condition in itself ? It’s not fully understood as yet, but it's likely a combination of genetic and learned factors.Some possible causes include chemical imbalances in the brain, similar to obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), changes in hormone levels during puberty, and a type of self-harm to relieve emotional distress. It can also be a form of PTSD. To suggest that there is a simple fix by addressing anxiety is to not understand the complexity of the disorder.

Thank you for your comments - I have to say that I suspect OCD is bogus too. Just an excuse to play with cats and dogs in class rather than get on and prepare for your contributory place in society.

This man is abusive and is a bully, he will use the child to manipulate and control you - he’s already doing this with his family.. blackmailing you that he’ll tell everyone you’re mad…

in your shoes I’d leave him and terminate the pregnancy… I would not want to be tied to this man for the next 18 years!