Husband walked out when I confessed

[LuckyAquaCat]

Since I was a child I have had a psychological condition, I pull my hair out. It’s called trichotillomania. I had never told anyone I did it and hid it, I was very ashamed of it and thought I was the only person who did this (I’ve since found out it’s quite common).
Anyway when I met my husband I finally told him about this, after we’d been together a year or so. It was a big deal for me as I’d never told anyone. He was surprised but ok when I told him, but the next morning I woke up and he was sleeping in the spare room. He said he couldn’t handle me being ‘mentally ill’,no one in his family is mentally ill and if I didn’t stop it he wouldn’t carry on with our planned marriage. He has kept looking at my hair constantly and making me feel even worse about how I look. I found out I’m pregnant just after this happened, as planned, I’m so devastated as I feel I’m now having to be with him even though he’s being really unpleasant to me over something I don’t have control over.

I think you made a mistake in marrying this disgusting and abusive man but, fortunately, it's one that can be rectified. I'm restrained with my "LTBs" but it's clear as day, here.

You don't have to be with him and you do not have to be pregnant if you do not want to, now that you know he's going to be abusive (as he has been already).

Just to confirm, I voted YABU because there are alternatives to bring married and tied to a baby with a cruel, contemptuous, intolerant prick like this. It will be unreasonable of you to expect him to care about your trials during pregnancy, childbirth and living with a tiny, dependent human being. It will be unreasonable to hope he'll understand the demands and tantrums of a toddler, to bear with cataclysmic disputes between children or the rebellions of a growing young person, or to give a shit if you or your children are ill.

It's unreasonable of you to choose this now, and very unreasonable to inflict that kind of a father on your child. Get some help with whatever's stopping you from leaving him.

I have trich too and have been pulling my hair out since I was about 11 or 12. My DH sometimes gets annoyed by all the hair clogging up the hoover but TBF I hate the hair all over the place too. He’s generally really good about it.

I have tried CBT twice, anti depressants and hypnotherapy. The hypnotherapy was the best for me. The other two didn’t do a thing but the NHS does love to push CBT as a magic cure-all! Fidget toys don’t really help me either.

Washing my hair when I get home from work so it’s wet all evening helps as I can’t pull it. I’m also less attracted to clean hair.

But the trich isn’t going anywhere so your husband either has a personality transplant or fucks off. It makes you feel bad enough about yourself and you don’t need anyone else making you feel even more self-conscious.

Another abuser.
It never ends on MN

Listen op he’s playing on your insecurities. .

I genuinely believe this is a leave him situation I feel you will in the future . Do it now before he gets anything else to use against you. .
He is ment to support you not turn on you .

Get your ducks in a row and do it quietly .
He won’t let you leave without a fuss

@LuckyAquaCat He said he couldn’t handle me being ‘mentally ill’,no one in his family is mentally ill and if I didn’t stop it he wouldn’t carry on with our planned marriage.

This man is in for a deeply unpleasant shock once he finds out that illness is a normal part of life for the majority of people, and the overwhelming majority of people will have a serious illness at some point (a truth that should be self evident from the fact that every single person will die).

I had this as a child. Recovered, then went bald from an autoimmune condition (just like the thing).

Your husband sounds a bit unhinged (sleeping in the spare room!). Think you should have taken that a warning sign instead of ploughing ahead with marriage and a baby.

Still, too late for that now. Do you even WANT him back? Is it just "mental" health he's a dick about or health in general?

What a pig he is 😠 you absolutely do not have to stay with him just because you're pregnant. Many many women raise a child alone and do a fantastic job. You will probably feel much less stressed alone than in a relationship with someone who treats you like this. I honestly wouldn't stay.

On another note, please don't feel embarrassed about your condition - it's not something you can help and certainly nothing to be ashamed off. Most people struggle with their mental health at some point in their lives and many need treatment and support. Have you tried CBT or medication to help you manage the condition?

Uuugh, sounds like you'd be well rid of him. What a horrible man.

Get the divorce done asap and get your solicitor to deal with contact arrangements for your child on your behalf if he becomes unpleasant during the divorce process - which I suspect he may because men with such nasty, ignorant and unempathetic attitudes usually do.

You don't have to put up with this, and nor should you.

Your comment that you should stay with him because you are expecting a baby is quite disturbing. How do you think such a man will treat a child if he behaves like this to another adult who can stand up for themselves, when a child cannot?

You must end this.

Incidentally OP, your trichotillomania is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. To be clear, there is generally no reason to be ashamed of mental health conditions but, truthfully, there probably are some that would change other people's perceptions of the person to an extent - and I don't think trichotillomania is close to being one of them.

While I'm sure it is not trivial to you (or anyone else suffering from it), I dont think it would be a big deal (or even really a small deal) to most other people in terms of how they view you. Your DH is being really fucking odd and horrible.

Pay attention to the giant red flag and fuck off.

His behaviour is a lot weirder than yours.

(COI: Life long trich sufferer, maintain high profile career and happy home/ social life even if I do sometimes have a gap in my eyelashes. I find sewing when I watch TV helps, but sometimes I can't help myself especially as I'm getting older. Grey hair has such a good texture to find and pull. Now I'm going to have to name change!)

Sadly not. There’s techniques that help some people but there is currently no cure or effective therapy.

( I have trich myself , OP. It’s awful !)

Don’t be ashamed, he sounds ridiculous and completely lacking in compassion, he also sounds completely childish ….. so he would run and tell his relatives if he found out you were doing it again…. ridiculous, he needs to grow up
If he can’t handle that, there will be a lot of things he won’t be able to handle in life, he is not a good life partner

OP I'm livid on your behalf. You confided in your husband about something that causes you a great deal of shame and he could not wait to turn it into a stick to beat you with. Vile.

Your condition can't be that bad if you have managed to hide it from him up to now. Either way this is a nervous habit, a compusluve behaviour. To call it 'mental illness' in a way designed to liken it to debilitating crises like psychosis is absurd, manipulative, opportunistic, in a word, abusive.

Sometimes an apparently small action gives away a person's character. Sorry, but your husband really is a nasty piece of work. Get rid.

If you really feel you can't get rid atm, tell him to keep his paws out of your hair and to shout your trich from thr rooftops itf he wants to, it will reflect badly only in him. He won't do it as it would deprive him of hus means of blackmail. Ugh. Such a shit.

That is just dreadful. His response was really immature and very unsupportive. A good partner would not treat you like that.

I hope you're OK and can leave him very soon. I think he'll only get worse

Your instincts are so spot on. Get out of the relationship now as it’s 10 x more heartbreaking when you have a child with someone like this. Being a single mum is heavenly in comparison.

This.

He's an utter bastard. He should be supporting you. Even more so because you're pregnant. What a hateful dick!!

Hope you are coping xx

Like other pp, I'm confused about the timeline.

To respond to your overt tagline, about him initially 'walking out' — getting up and sleeping in the spare room is fine, especially if your intended life partner who you are already (trying to get) pregnant with has just belatedly disclosed a psychological condition which they had previously hidden from you. He may not know anything about your condition, he may feel upset or betrayed at your hiding it from him, he may be worried and scared about what it means for your future, especially with a child on the way. All of that takes time to process. Especially if you were as unclear with him as you were with us in your OP!

However, you and he should have talked all this out by now. He should have educated himself, and he should not be demeaning or belittling or bullying or threatening or shaming or stigmatising you in any way. He sounds like an ignorant and abusive bigot, and you sound vulnerable and confused.

It does not sound like either the marriage or pregnancy should continue - but I'm confused about where in the story you currently are. However it is definitely a red flag, LTB scenario.

Show him a calendar so he can see that it’s 2024.

What a stupid cruel man.

Just some solidarity from a fellow sufferer here. I focus on all hair except my head, and the more tired or stressed I am the more likely it is to happen. Occasionally, I get into a zone where I'm doing nothing but pulling for hours and can't break away.

Some people find it really disturbing: my dad knew about it but still sometimes cried if I mentioned it because he perceived it as self harm. Really, it's no worse than nail biting, it's just aesthetically more damaging.

Outsiders seem to think it's much more mentally ill than it actually is.

From this I assume your husband is very ignorant. But that is still a really horrible way to treat somebody with any mental illness, let alone a pregnant wife. Mental illnesses are just illnesses, and this is a pretty minor one that needs nothing more than compassion and acceptance. It doesn't remotely affect anybody else's life.

I hope the nail biting analogy is helpful for your husband to understand, because mentally it's very similar. Also, statistics about how common trich is.

Have you heard of N-acetyl-cysteine? It's a food supplement - a form of a regular amino acid that is more bioavailable - and after taking it for 9 weeks, 56% of trich sufferers greatly improved.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I have OCD and I am guessing what you have is similar compulsions. The thing is - what you are doing is how you are coping with stress. If you are less stressed it should reduce naturally, if you are more stressed than it might increase naturally. Unfortunately, your husband's attitude is likely to contribute to your stress so its a bit of a vicious cycle. You also now associate shame with this habit - even in your title you use the words 'confess' as if you have done something wrong. You have not done anything wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Please speak to your GP or if you have healthyminds in your area please google them as you can self refer for help and support.

I also have this and have done since a young teen. Suffered a lot with mental health over the years, and also have an awful habit of extreme nail biting which apparently is common alongside trichotillomania. My family and friends have always been supportive, and in fact they would notice I was hair pulling before I did. Its a habit you can't control (as you well know!!) My mum would often softly "scold" (as in not tell me off but make me realise what I was doing) me to make me aware of my actions. Did your husband never notice you doing this? So many of us have little habits/ticks, this is just one version of that! I'm not sure how your mental health is generally, from research trichotillomania is common with perfectionists/anxiety issues (this is definitely me!!) Its our way of coping, some people smoke/drink/turn to drugs etc. I'd be really unhappy with anyone who judged me for my condition/s, I believe all of us can be suspectable to mental health issues at anytime of our lives, and mental health is as important as physical. It isn't normal for a partner not to support you with health issues. I'm really sorry you are going through this.

He is being abusive. Your mental health is nothing to be ashamed of and it sounds like more than not ever having bad mental health he and his family just ignore/hide/don't speak about it.

Please go and see your doctor to get the right help and support, be honest with them about his reaction as they will be able to refer you for support around your relationship/DV too. You don't need to be alone.

Him saying no one in his family is mentally ill is like saying no one in his family will ever get sick, it's bonkers. Everyone on the face of the earth will experience mental health challenges at some point in their lives and it will present in all kinds of ways. The shame should be his not yours. You did an amazing thing having the courage to tell him and I'm sorry that he responded in such an odd manner, you and your baby deserve better