Husband walked out when I confessed

[LuckyAquaCat]

Since I was a child I have had a psychological condition, I pull my hair out. It’s called trichotillomania. I had never told anyone I did it and hid it, I was very ashamed of it and thought I was the only person who did this (I’ve since found out it’s quite common).
Anyway when I met my husband I finally told him about this, after we’d been together a year or so. It was a big deal for me as I’d never told anyone. He was surprised but ok when I told him, but the next morning I woke up and he was sleeping in the spare room. He said he couldn’t handle me being ‘mentally ill’,no one in his family is mentally ill and if I didn’t stop it he wouldn’t carry on with our planned marriage. He has kept looking at my hair constantly and making me feel even worse about how I look. I found out I’m pregnant just after this happened, as planned, I’m so devastated as I feel I’m now having to be with him even though he’s being really unpleasant to me over something I don’t have control over.

Fucking hell, your husband is a disgusting excuse for a human being. Abusive and cruel. He doesn’t love you. We don’t treat people who we love with disdain, we don’t shame them. Please find a way to leave this man. You don’t deserve to live this way. I’m so sorry

You seem ignorant about trichotillomania. It is recognised as being a mental health disorder, under the same umbrella as OCD. It is very treatable and can indeed be significant if not treated. I have worked with people who have significant hair loss, scaring and pain from years of self-focused repetitive behaviours, including hair pulling. This can lead people to become withdrawn, depressed and suicidal. Do not minimise someone’s experiences.

OP I would suggest seeking therapy through your perinatal mental health team. Your DH sounds ignorant and ill-informed. He needs to educate himself, but I suspect he has internalised stigma around mental health issues. Please consider walking away if things do not improve. The perinatal period is such a vulnerable time and you need someone who can support you, not an emotionally suppressed manchild.

I have trichotillomania and my DH has been nothing but supportive. Of course he doesn’t get it fully, but he won’t use it against me and certainly not to threaten me with. It doesn’t make you ‘mentally ill’. What a horrible man.

My DH will only point out if I’m going through a particularly bad phase or doing it right in front of him to help me, not shame me.

Putting pressure on yourself to hide it will likely only make the compulsion stronger!

He's awful. I would put money on him being abusive & controlling in other areas too.
Take a look at this and see if any applies to you: https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-to-identify-abuse/

You are not mad and there is nothing wrong with you. You have nothing be ashamed of.

Hair pulling is very common and not shameful.

He has plenty to be ashamed of.

Speak to your gp and get some support in managing the condition, which I'm sure will be harder to live with when also living with such a horrible man.

Take your power back. He is deliberately using your vulnerability against you, by making you feel more ashamed he holds shame over your head. If you were to stand up and say you are not ashamed and that he can tell who he likes, he'd have nothing left with which to control you.

Finally, divorce this abusive excuse for a man and be free.

Hello. I couldn’t not post. Don’t question yourself for a moment. Your DP’s behaviour is not ok. It’s both ignorant and cruel. I get that perhaps he’s upset you hadn’t shared this with him earlier but if he doesn’t have the capacity to have empathy or the will to want to understand, I think it’s going to be very hard going forward. Whilst of course your condition doesn’t define you, it’s an intimate thing to share with someone; you’re revealing something you keep hidden. Your trust in him to accept who you are is broken. If you continue together, then I think it’ll be hard for you to feel emotionally safe, particularly if he wields this over you as something to beat you with. You are, and will be, ok. Don’t let him drag you down. Best wishes for whatever you decide to do x

This is a he issue, nothing you should be ashamed of.
Are you pregnant?
His behaviour will just make things worst for you. And if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, for your baby too.
Seek therapy for the condition. Do you pull your hair in your sleep?
But what you need is a calm and chilled home life.

It is recognised as being a mental health disorder

Many things are.

Also many things are on a spectrum.

It is not significant in the context of mental health disorders and the op's does not sound like a severe case.

We must also consider who is most likely to be affected or impacted by it in a relationship & household, and that's the op. Not her husband. Unlike other mental health disorders, physical illnesses, addictions etc. where both might be affected.

I find your assertion that the op kept something from someone that she had no right to, fairly abhorrent.

Looks like he's been keeping a few things from her that he had no right to .... Like his ignorance, intolerance, lack of empathy, judgemental-ness, self righteousness, lack of loyalty, lack of discretion, lack of respect for others right to privacy and consent, lack of kindness etc etc.

A lot more significant in my view than an OCD behaviour that may be at the mild end of the spectrum and affects almost entirely the op.

It's too soon for both of them to have done this, but the point is that op is not the one bullying and abusing and threatening to tell others about a stress/MH condition that he has confided in her about.

As you say, it's too soon.

Had Op told him & had this reaction sooner/before being pregnant, she could have easily left.

She could still possibly have not married him.

Sorry to hear your suffered so long but their is therapy and something you can do about it. Like any other health issue physical or mental you need to commit to wanting to get better and change the learned behaviour.

His reactions is uncalled for and very unreasonable and that is concerning as what may happen in later life if you had a stroke / develop dementia etc etc. Will he just abandon you?
He doesn't sound like a long term partner or a till death do us part in sickness anf in health.
Rather then drag it on for years and waste your life i would be seriously assessing the marriage and be preparing to move out / leave.
So sorry OP.

Well, horse bolted, milk spilt ...

The op needs perspective and advice on her current situation.

The grey ones are good aren’t they!?! Maybe I need to take up knitting 🧶

His attitude is very mean.

You should disclose major mental illneses prior to getting married and trying for children.

Sorry it's not major. But still you should both disclose health, financial and other issues prior to marriage.

Having said that I think he's horrible and you're better off finding a future without him.

As mentioned I've pulled out my top eyelashes since I was 9. I had a happy 20 year marriage (ended when he died.) I don't think I ever mentioned it to him. He seemed happy enough to marry me and I don't feel like our marriage was a sham. It just never really crossed my mind to mention it. He was a kind man and would never have turned on me if I'd mentioned it at some point.

Although not disclosing them doesn't render a marriage invalid

It’s a mental illness - there’s marked differences in a trich brain to a brain without trich if you compare the scans (which I have done with my trich brain! ) . Currently there’s some evidence of an inability to process a certain hormone but that’s not been conclusively proven. however there’s a significant difference between a habit that can be stopped (even with effort) and trich- which currently has no cure and can not be stopped.

some people do hair pull when stressed or use it as a form of self harm but that’s different to trich which is a a recognised mental health condition.

There is a cure and it be stopped, CBT is very effective for trich and other self-focused repetitive behaviours.

A cure and coping strategies are two very different things. Personally it didn’t work for me (or for anyone else I know with trich!) but I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you. (I will say I can’t stand CBT even through I am trained in it - I personally don’t use it in my clinical practice as i always felt a bit of a sticking plaster rather than actually getting to the root of the problem)

I had brief success with hypnotherapy which provided me with certain tools to manage it - but I certainly wouldn’t have said I was cured. It’s like people shaving their heads - yes it works but the underlying cause isn’t resolved.

The ‘lack of a certain hormone’ theory points to it being closer akin to Tourette’s rather than a BFRB- this personally makes more sense to me.

I don’t have trich. I’m a psychologist who has used CBT, EMDR and integrative approaches to successfully treat trichotillomania and other self-focused repetitive behaviours such as skin picking. Research shows these therapies can be effective, although it’s a shame it didn’t work in your case. Sometimes OCD type behaviours, including trich, can be indicative of other deeper issues that need long term psychotherapy to resolve.

My point is just that there is help available if the OP wants to go down that route.

id love to feel like it actually got rid of the pull rather than just gave me techniques to manage it - bodily it feels VERY different to me . I’m also sure that at least one of the therapists I saw is convinced im cured as I never came back but was implementing strategies that worked at the time . I’m a therapist (as well as a trich sufferer!) - so personally reasonably confident there’s no other underlying causes as had quite a bit of therapy during my training and nothing came up.

none of the trich support things im a member of (nor anything I’ve read in years of search because it would be AMAZING if I found something !) recognise a ‘cure’ (as opposed to coping strategies or medication for comorbid conditions) and im really wary of using that language because it then makes the person feel terrible when they aren’t ‘ cured’ or they relapse….

I would absolutely encourage OP to access therapy if they can because the techniques can be really helpful but I wouldn’t feel comfortable saying she could be cured. (If you have done it - please please please share the techniques you used with others because it would be life changing for people and would lovely to see the word ‘curable’ on one of those pages- instead of ‘ can be managed’ )

I am also uncomfortable with the word ‘cure’ as it implies a medical model which I don’t use. I have received specialist training in working with self-focused repetitive behaviours and it’s certainly not as easy as telling people what techniques to use. This is potentially why the therapy you had didn’t work, if it was just about using techniques. Everything is done on the basis of the individuals formulation, which a focus on providing insight into the function of the behaviour. But yes myself and other professionals have indeed managed to reduce the compulsion to hair pull and manage the anxiety related to this. There is a lot of emerging research in this area and a growing evidence base for EMDR. This needs a careful assessment though as it my experience sometimes these behaviours do mask underlying anxiety / attachment issues. Best of luck to the OP.

I wasn’t suggesting that’s how my previous therapists have framed it so apologies for my poor phasing but I think it’s how it tends to be presented on many trich pages . (Not sure I’m at my most articulate this morning - pregnancy insomnia is kicking me in the teeth!)

interesting - would that then imply these techniques are more effective in people with underlying attachment /anxiety issues? That would make sense in why it wasn’t effective for me (can be fairly confident I have neither or I imagine it would have been recognised at some point in the training /therapy ) or others who don’t experience them. Similarly why meditation only works with those with co-morbid conditions. It would be interesting see how the hormone theory fits in there (eg people with trich often have low levels of coq10 absorption suggesting there might be other causes )

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Omg. He sounds like a cunt

HE SOUNDS LIKE A CUNT!

I'm sorry 🥴

You actually don’t HAVE to be with him. Be true to yourself. Leave him be happy and a mum. If it’s bad now….it won’t get better!!!

What you have is a treatable compulsion, he however has a nasty personality disorder. Leave him now, you don’t want to be stuck in an abusive relationship with a newborn baby.