Husband walked out when I confessed

[LuckyAquaCat]

Since I was a child I have had a psychological condition, I pull my hair out. It’s called trichotillomania. I had never told anyone I did it and hid it, I was very ashamed of it and thought I was the only person who did this (I’ve since found out it’s quite common).
Anyway when I met my husband I finally told him about this, after we’d been together a year or so. It was a big deal for me as I’d never told anyone. He was surprised but ok when I told him, but the next morning I woke up and he was sleeping in the spare room. He said he couldn’t handle me being ‘mentally ill’,no one in his family is mentally ill and if I didn’t stop it he wouldn’t carry on with our planned marriage. He has kept looking at my hair constantly and making me feel even worse about how I look. I found out I’m pregnant just after this happened, as planned, I’m so devastated as I feel I’m now having to be with him even though he’s being really unpleasant to me over something I don’t have control over.

OP, I pull my hair but it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's the same as biting your nails, loads of people do it.

You don't have a hair pulling problem, you have a husband problem. He's being utterly cruel to shame you for this rather than offer support. What a dick.

Op, a few points.

Your h's reaction and behaviour is extreme, unreasonable, simple minded, dumb (quite frankly), unrealistic, ignorant, prejudiced, intolerant and immature.

(Oh and I don't believe no one's ever had MH issue in his family. Bollocks. They're incredibly common. They would just hide it, by the looks of it).

It reminds me of the opinions/understanding on mental health issues of an absolute dumb ass manchild of an ex I was with. He was in his 40s but was stupid, simple minded, and prejudiced.

(He'd also boast about not suffering from the "weakness" of depression etc. while actually being depressive. Rather ironic).

Your husband sounds very similar.

A year is a very short time to be getting pregnant and marrying someone within.

Why the accelerated programme?

You're still getting to know someone in that tine, and this is a perfect example. He is majorly dumb, prejudiced, ignorant, narrow minded and seriously lacking empathy or kindness. You've only found out and you're pregnant from not using contraception and have gotten married.

I feel very concerned for you if you stay with him ...and not much less concerned if you don't stay with him. Because he'll still be a shit co-parent and ex. Who wants someone raising their child ...with all the challenges (including behaviour and MH challenges that you have with kids and teenagers) with someone who's like him?

Are you far along, are you opposed to a termination?

Whether you are or aren't, he sounds like a shit partner.

As someone said, what on earth would happen if you got antenatal depression or post partum depression or any other illness in the future.
What if your child is on the spectrum (as many are) or has one of the the many many habits that kids have - like stereotypies, thumb sucking, bed wetting, difficulty potty training, eating quirks, anxiety etc. etc. Or MH difficulties when they are a teenager, as many do.

Decent partners and parents need to be tolerant, kind, understanding, supportive and constructive. He's showing none of that, whatsoever.

A relative by marriage was nasty with me during a really awful time I experienced. Apparently nobody in HIS family suffered with poor mental health.
Jump 20 years and OH YES THEY DO.
I definitely don't wish it upon them, they're family and I love them.
He's struggled to change his attitude but it's improving.
@LuckyAquaCat I really don't know for sure if your husband will improve his attitude or remain a nasty bastard.
Whatever happens, seek some support for yourself. Not necessarily just regarding the hair pulling , it sounds to me like some confidence building would help you too.
I wish you well with your next steps 💐

he said he’d tell all of your relatives?

I missed this.

What a disgusting individual.

It's not his right to tell anyone about any MH issue or habit you told him in confidence as your partner.

How dare he.

Anyone with a tap of sense or kindness or decency would realise it's a private issue, potentially a bit embarrassing ..... and the only person on the planet who has any right to tell people is you.

What a betrayal of a confidence.

This man is an utter dickhead, fool, and has no respect and decency towards other people.

Apparently nobody in HIS family suffered with poor mental health.
Jump 20 years and OH YES THEY DO.

Anyone claiming that no-one in their family suffers or has ever suffered from any MH issues are lying or delusional.

Or it's been kept quiet.

I've worked doing admin in the community addiction unit and believe me, the number of people in apparently high achieving, prominent, traditional "respectable" families who had to be treated there...... All hushed up publicly, I'm sure

Well what a bastard.

Op, I'm sorry this man has turned out to be such an asshole and idiot.

And that you didn't find out until you were already pregnant.

All you can do now is protect yourself and your potential child.

What a horrible man lacking in empathy and compassion and offering no support. His hostility will only get worse.

Get rid of him and then get some counselling to help with your condition.

This sounds like a really dysfunctional relationship - are there cultural, religious or other reasons you are together?

Trich is a spectrum like everything, if it wasn't noticeable I can't imagine it was that serious? (I have trich myself, various 'flares' over the years, always there - but apart from being embarrassing I really don't feel it's an 'illness' -there's increasing trend to treating as a habit disorder rather than OCD etc which I think puts it into a more accurate category)

Well done for being so brave to tell him. He’s behaving like an ABSOLUTE ARSEHOLE. Please be clear that there are loving and supportive men and women out there. As this thread shows. He’s not one of them.

Get rid. What a disgusting way to treat someone.

He's the one that should be ashamed of the way he's treating you and the threats to tell other people.

I'd leave the arsehole.

You are not mad! I used to do this as a child and when I am stressed am more likely to. His reaction is more likely to drive you to hair pulling.

he sounds more mentally ill than u lol wtf hes acting like a petulant infant

The best time to dump him was before you got pregnant and married, but from your second post I see that you are already married. He's an arsehole and you have nothing to be ashamed of, as PPs have explained perfectly above.

Definitely seek help - tell your care team, seek support, get as much support as possible in place before you have the baby as new parenthood is a tough time for mental health anyway and you know your husband won't be any help. Whatever support networks you have, use them. Also tell your care team what you've said here about him threatening to 'out' you to his family as that'll let them know you have no home support with mental health.

I would be planning to leave him as I couldn't live, let alone raise a child, with someone who had that attitude to mental health. I don't know what your circumstances are, but whatever you can do, do it - even if you don't feel able to leave, saving every bit of money you can scrape together, making sure finances are separate, etc. This sounds extreme but it's not just someone not understanding a mental health condition or not being sympathetic - he's threatened to shame you and is showing active contempt. Look after yourself, OP.

Absolutely, he has proved to be intolerant and abusive and she should get very far away from him, but OP is not a helpless victim in this.

She didn't feel comfortable disclosing her trich to someone, yet thought it a good idea to marry that person. She was actively hiding something significant to her from her boyfriend/fiance, but thought it logically and ethically sound to lock the two of them into the intensive 20-year commitment of co-parenting a child together while still not telling him.

That's incredibly muddled thinking and not valuing the right things. In his shoes, I'd have called off the wedding due to her dishonesty, manipulation, and poor judgement.

The specifics of the thing don't matter, only that there is something she is hiding from him, removing his choice, because she does not feel comfortable enough to trust him.

It sounds like they both feel trapped into marriage and parenthood with a partner who is not who they thought and hoped they were.

Why the rush to be pregnant before being married?

How did he not know about the trichotillomania before you told him?

Trichotillomania can be eliminated with cognitive behavioural hypnotherapy OP. It takes determination but it’s not a big deal.

Like nail biting, people pull their hair to deal with tension they experience. It’s not uncommon at all. You can absolutely get a handle on this.

I couldn't feel secure in this relationship after that reaction. He has given you a taster of how dreadfully you would be treated if you had any future MH issues. Basically call you mental and threaten divorce! What a bastard.

I have a friend who pulls her eyebrows out, she doesn't even notice when she is doing. It is worse during stressful periods. I think you need to address the hair pulling as you will give yourself traction alopecia. You need to address the underlying cause too, do you have anxiety? I think therapy would be useful and maybe a stress ball or some other thing you can twiddle with rather than your hair might help?

You have nothing to be ashamed of. I've suffered from trichotillomania since I was 13. I go through periods where it is relatively well managed, and others where it is significant. It is often tied to anxiety and hormones. Mine has been at it's worst in all 3 of my pregnancies! I know it's technically classified as a "mental health condition" but realistically it's no worse than skin picking/nail biting etc. It's a body focused repetitive behaviour which you're often unaware of. Being shamed or guilted about it isn't going to make you stop! Also, with things like extensions/wigs/makeup/fake eyelashes, it's also a relatively easy thing to cover up (if you wish to) so there would be no need for anybody to be aware of it unless you wished them to. Your partner sounds incredibly misinformed and unsupported. I'd ask them to research it themselves and make it very clear that it is made worse by feeling insecure/anxious/upset, so his shaming you is making it worse! Tell him to not comment on it and accept this as part of you. Xx

She was actively hiding something significant to her from her boyfriend/fiance, but thought it logically and ethically sound to lock the two of them into the intensive 20-year commitment of co-parenting a child together while still not telling him.

Trichotillomania is not something significant.

I find your post absolutely bizarre.

Also he - equally - chose to either TTC or do nothing to prevent pregnancy with a partner of less than a year ..... He didn't need to be in this position.

He didn't need to be in this position.

To be fair neither of them did.

this. I thought it was more a stress behavior.

Basically call you mental and threaten divorce! What a bastard.

And threatened to tell third parties about something she told him in confidence as her spouse and father of her child, without her consent.

He hasn't got a basic scrap of decency or appropriate-ness.

It's too soon for both of them to have done this, but the point is that op is not the one bullying and abusing and threatening to tell others about a stress/MH condition that he has confided in her about.