Husband walked out when I confessed

[LuckyAquaCat]

Since I was a child I have had a psychological condition, I pull my hair out. It’s called trichotillomania. I had never told anyone I did it and hid it, I was very ashamed of it and thought I was the only person who did this (I’ve since found out it’s quite common).
Anyway when I met my husband I finally told him about this, after we’d been together a year or so. It was a big deal for me as I’d never told anyone. He was surprised but ok when I told him, but the next morning I woke up and he was sleeping in the spare room. He said he couldn’t handle me being ‘mentally ill’,no one in his family is mentally ill and if I didn’t stop it he wouldn’t carry on with our planned marriage. He has kept looking at my hair constantly and making me feel even worse about how I look. I found out I’m pregnant just after this happened, as planned, I’m so devastated as I feel I’m now having to be with him even though he’s being really unpleasant to me over something I don’t have control over.

You husband is a ignorant moron who will inevitably abuse you, being mentally ill will always be used against you, any situation he holds against you he might use it as a weapon to prove how you're not fit to be a wife or mother.

See things from this angle, if he's already like that with you, how you think he'll be if your child is mentally ill? Don't fool yourself thinking that he'll treat your child different, not only he'll treat them as bad he's also going to blame you for them being mentally ill.

Do what's best for you and your child, leave him, any man who actually loves his partner will give her support and love, pull her up when she's down, instead of he's humiliating you and putting you down.

No matter how much you love him what you need to do is obvious.

Don't have baby with this horrible man!! I'd be ending the marriage, he sounds fucking horrible.

Succinctly put.

You're not mad. Your husband's behaviour is a big red flag, he is using this issue to gas light you. He knows his bullying will make you worse and then he has more control over you. Sorry, but you really must get away from him. He will undermine you, your confidence and your children's well being if you keep in this unhappy marriage.

He’s a terrible human - he should be ashamed not you. When I told my husband (then fiance) I was like you - very ashamed and had never told anyone before. I also knew very little about the condition. I wasn’t sure what to expect but he was very support and started attending lectures and conferences on the condition to try help me realise it was normal and there were treatments that could help.

I’m sorry your husband has reacted that way. I would suggest marriage counselling so a neutral third party can tell him what a divkhead he is.

I am sorry, op. Your husband is being really mean. You can't help what you do and mental health problems are nothing to be ashamed of. He could develop an illness in the future and need understanding, I daresay he doesn't think of that. He must realise he is only adding to your problem by behaving in this way while you are pregnant. My heart goes out to you.

For your own sake, seek some professional help for your condition. You could stop doing it but it will take time and work. I have known a couple of people who had the same as you.

I don't know how you will feel about still being with husband once you are better but that's for the future.

I wish you peace and happiness and I really want you to enjoy your pregnancy despite your unreasonable man.

I was wondering this too

You’re making a big deal out of your trichotillomania. Yes it’s an issue (for you) but nothing weird or strange.

you’ve told your partner/boyfriend/husband and he’s using this information against you because he can see it’s a big deal (to you). It’s a power move to controls you. Don’t you see that?

it sounds to me like this man is not exposed to western ways so much. That he comes from an insular way of thinking.

I think your next move should be nonchalance. Your condition doesn’t define you, you can be open about it. Tell your friends and family, have some therapy for it - own it! This will take your husbands power away and the power for you to move on.

Ok clearly he’s an AH - but hiding this from someone you are about to marry/have kids with it’s hardly surprising that hasn’t turned out well.

Keeping health stuff to yourself at the start of a relationship is normal - but once you start thinking marriage and kids it’s time to trust them enough to share - and then they can choose whether that’s something they’re ok with.

Sounds like both you felt trapped.

Many years ago , I was in the grip of Bulimia , I finally told my husband I needed help .
His reply was I was disgusting and not to tell him anything more , nor speak about it again .
At my doing , he soon became an ex , and the bulimia stopped as well .
If a husband can't help you through any crisis , he's not worth the title of husband .

"If a husband can't help you through any crisis , he's not worth the title of husband"

I feel one issue with relationships nowadays is that too many people think being in love is enough.

In women case many seem to think that if husband brings enough money to put food in the table and raise the kids he's good enough and any flaw can be excused, any abuse can be ignored, especially if they're good with the children, how many women become martyr and goes through years of abuse for their children, even though being a single mother would be infinitely healthier for their children?

I feel that to many people don't understand that a relationship, especially marriage, needs to be a literal partnership, support each other at the worst moments, be the rock for each other, that at any time they can count with each other for support no matter water, that when when push comes to shove if necessary it'll be literally them together back-to-back against the whole world.

I can't help but feel too many people fall into abusive relationship because they simply don't know how a relationship really should be, which is why many don't notice the red flags or realize just how abusive the relationship is.

We need to start teaching better our children what to expect and look for in a relationship.

His reaction is unreasonable and not a sign of someone who loves you. He sounds childish.
You are unreasonable for saying there is nothing you can do - there are treatments out there

His reaction is unreasonable. I understand he may not comprehend the condition, or why people do what they do etc but to treat you like this is abominable. I would be replacing the unwarranted feeling of shame with justified anger. He is a waste of space. He may reflect and realise what an absolute dick.he has been.

Does she really need any other "treatment" besides kicking him out of her life and finding a man who actually loves her?

His level of ignorance is too baffling to have a relationship with him.

I also have to say, I hate with a passion when peoppe talk about a guy being a Real Man™ or not because that brings some extremely bad implications, but in this case I have to say that is not a man, it's a child, a giant manbaby.

She tells him about her problem and next day she finds him sleeping in the spare room? What, is he a 5 year old little boy who just found girls have cooties so he needs to get away from her?

He's a pathetic joke.

1 Partners reaction is a bit extreme. Life isn’t always a bed of roses, insta friendly etc. How will he cope when stuff really hits the fan? He doesn’t seem that resiliant.

2 This might not be a red light - but it is an amber one.

3 Hair pulling isn’t really a ‘mental condition’. I’d group it with nail biting, nose picking etc.

4 My daughter had this in her 20s. Stress related ? Who knows? She didn’t loke herself for doing it. Anyway she paid for hypnosis treatment, this worked.

all the best.

OP do you mean he has now actually walked out and left you alone and pregnant, leaving the relationship altogether ?
Or by ‘walking out’ do you mean he simply left the bedroom to sleep in another room?

If he hasn’t abandoned you, then I think a first step is to educate yourselves openly about this condition instead of both feeling ashamed and agree how you are going to get professional help to work at overcoming it. Talk to the doctor and online with others with the same condition for support. Stop hiding the problem, hard as that is, and you will feel more in control.

If he has gone, then maybe that’s a good thing as he sounds somewhere between less than understanding on the one hand and being properly coercive/ emotionally abusive on the other. But still you need to take stock of your pregnancy predicament as well as needing to deal openly with the hair pulling.

Please tell your family what is happening. You need and really do deserve kind and positive understanding as well as practical help. Good luck!

You should never have married a man who ‘wasn’t happy’ about your mental health or called you ‘mad’. He sounds like a complete dick. What will happen if your child has a disability/ illness/ mental health issue? Will he force them to try and be ‘normal’?

So you have both learned something new: he found out you're a trichtillomaniac and you found out he's a cunt.

Only one of these things is treatable.

Just ask yourself what his reaction would be if, like so many women - you get PND!?

Someone in his family is definitely mentally ill and it's him!

He has a poor opinion of mh issues and won't be supportive of you. You need to consider this in your decision making process

That’s awful. If you haven’t married him yet, remember the vows are ‘in sickness and in health’, and how dismissive he has been of you. He is a major red flag, and you deserve much better.

Right. Well first things first. You shouldn't feel ashamed. Tell every single one of your (and his) family members.
The positives of doing this are:

1. He will have nothing to hold over you any more.
2. You will hopefully be surprised by the support that you get from your family.
3. When he sees your family support you, he will hopefully realise he’s being a massive dick and he cannot bully you because you will tell them and they will support you.

If he doesn’t change his attitude sharpish though OP, I really think you should leave him. I don’t say that lightly. He is being a judgemental and controlling bully, nobody deserved that. Do you feel he really loves you?

This doesn’t bode well. He sounds deeply unpleasant and your life will not be happy with his weird outlook.