Husband walked out when I confessed

[LuckyAquaCat]

Since I was a child I have had a psychological condition, I pull my hair out. It’s called trichotillomania. I had never told anyone I did it and hid it, I was very ashamed of it and thought I was the only person who did this (I’ve since found out it’s quite common).
Anyway when I met my husband I finally told him about this, after we’d been together a year or so. It was a big deal for me as I’d never told anyone. He was surprised but ok when I told him, but the next morning I woke up and he was sleeping in the spare room. He said he couldn’t handle me being ‘mentally ill’,no one in his family is mentally ill and if I didn’t stop it he wouldn’t carry on with our planned marriage. He has kept looking at my hair constantly and making me feel even worse about how I look. I found out I’m pregnant just after this happened, as planned, I’m so devastated as I feel I’m now having to be with him even though he’s being really unpleasant to me over something I don’t have control over.

How long have you been married?

i’m so sorry this has been his response - he said he’d tell all of your relatives? It sounds like it’s wobbled him and he wants to ‘get rid’ of it and is shaming and threatening you in the process. Does he not have any habits, any things he does when he is feeling anxious/bored/feustrated/lonely?!:does he bite his nails/smoke/drink alcohol/ say nasty things to you? Because this is the same -it’s a habit that develops that is very hard to break because it releases feel-good chemicals in your body. Does he realise that the more shamed you feel by him, the more anxious and disconnected you feel, the more likely you are to do it? Are you able to tell him about other stuff that worries you? Are you able to talk about your feelings? I’m concerned that he is shaming rather than listening and supporting you.

I don’t pull my hair anymore and haven’t for around 10 years. I used to for years from when I was a teenager until I had bald patches and massive clumps of hair in my hands. I did it when I was feeling unsettled/unfulfilled/preoccupied/anxious. When I was in a difficult relationship it really ramped up. It was a coping strategy for me. If you would like to understand why you do it, have you thought of having some sessions with a psychologist? It might also help for you to have a space where you can share your feelings and experiences without fear of being humiliated. Good luck

So how pregnant are you now? Are you sure you want a baby with this horrible man?

He is the weirdo, not you!

This. Nailed it.

Trichotillomania has been linked to ASD and ADHD, and isn’t ‘grouped’ with nail biting and nose picking. And this is most definitely a red flag. He’s seized on this and is using it to control OP. Yes, she should have been honest with him, but having never told anyone l can see how that would have been difficult, but his reaction is a serious concern.

You sounds like a cunt & no doubt years of his family having "no mental illness" has caused him to become extremely repressed about his own mental health.

Had he not noticed in that time? Why was it suddenly a problem for him when you told him? If it was severe then it would be difficult to hide it. My DH has notices my skin after a "picking session" but we've never discussed it as a mental health problem. I just say I'm a bit stressed and for me it's exacerabated after getting anxious from being around certain people. Your DH completely overeacted and it shows he'll be like or you or your child ever get seriously ill.

You can't stay in this marriage. He is an absolutely dreadful man. You will be much happier on your own with your baby.

His attitude to your trichotillomania is disgusting. It is a recognised medical condition, not a character flaw. He sounds completely stupid as well as cruel. He is the one who should be ashamed and embarassed, not you.

His attitude is very bad. Mental illness is often hidden, how does he really know his family don't have it? Probably because they'd be ostracised if they mentioned it in their cult-like circle. Try to leave him when you can.

Are you receiving any help for this Op ? Obviously you can’t rely on your DH but you really need someone to support you
Leaving your weak and unsupportive ex is also something that therapy can help you to address but the important thing is getting help for yourself initially

His reaction is very odd. I think it's worth considering why you got involved and married so quickly (you talking about trying for a baby not getting pregnant). Not to criticise you, just to figure out why you proceeded knowing he was so judgemental of you. Is it worth staying married if he's calling you mad and threatening to tell relatives as much? I would worry about that btw.

Leave this man - he is not ok and he is effectively abusing you because you have a nervous condition. He is being nasty .

sounds like he is the first person in his family to have shown his mental health state - he can't cope with someone being ill, this isn't healthy state of mind.

Agreed, we have a lot of neurodiversity in my family and also some trich.

There should be no shame or guilt to it OP because it hurts absolutely no one else. He sounds quite horrible.

When you divulge something private and your partner weaponises it to hurt you, that is emotional abuse. It won't end with that. He has told you who he is - believe him, and believe him now, after you throw years and years into a relationship with an abuser.

I was once with a man like that, and now I'm with a kind and compassionate man. Please believe me that your happiness is worth it. This is deal breaking, marriage ending behaviour from him.

@Rosscameasdoody I didn't know about the link to ASD.

I did this as a child, not seen anyone about it but I did have a bald patch at one point that I had to sweep my hair over. I didn't tell my husband but he noticed me doing it and tells me if he sees me doing it. He's never shamed me or tried to use it to control me.

My son also does it, he said he didn't know he was doing it. He's also had a noticeable patch from it. If linked to things which are genetic how will he treat your child if they do this?

Please don't let him use this to shame you. It's a nasty thing for someone to do especially your DH who is supposed to love and support you.

I found out I’m pregnant just after this happened

Rtft

He was honest with you but you failed to heed the warning. But it's not too late, I think you will feel happier without him.

Sorry you have had this experience, especially from the one person in the world who you would not have expected to react this way.

My DH family have been historically nasty over mental illness. People are ‘ cuckoo ‘ ‘ mad ‘ ‘ got a screw loose ‘ etc

I find this particularly galling as I suffer with quite severe mental illness myself. My FIL is not a pleasant person and I tolerate him for my husbands sake.
When he is around he will say similar comments and I know it’s directed at me. When DH have an argument he will often call me names relating to my MH, usually citing it as “ bullshit”.

I would definitely think deeply about this and if it’s the kind of life you want to live. Believe me- it won’t get better if they’ve already said it.

You've nothing to be ashamed of OP, your husband however has plenty to be ashamed of

He’s an abusive prick.

Wtaf planet do you live on that you think trichotillomania is a serious mental health condition??

😂😂😂😂

No-one in his family has mental illness? Righto

LTB for sure. It will be a case of hair today, gone tomorrow

This. It’s a compulsion not a mental illness. I pull my hair when I am stressed, it’s just a habit. Your husband is weird. Bin him.