Sharing finances within a blended family

[Wetredbat]

We have 1 joint DC, I have 2 DC from my previous marriage and DH has 2 DC from his previous marriage.

My DH is saving substantial amounts of money for his 3 children to help them get on the property ladder. The money has come from his own income and significant gifts from his parents and siblings.

However, my 2 DC won't have this benefit as he isn't saving for them and their own father isn't interested.

I am concerned that this will cause resentment further down the line when my DCs will be struggling to get onto the property ladder whilst their siblings/ step siblings will be able to do so with relative ease.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I would like him to divide the pot more equally, even just be sharing our DC pot with my DC.

Is this reasonable?

I don’t think it is a reasonable request at all, as long as he is contributing as much to running the household as you.

Sorry it’s his money for his children. He can’t be held responsible because their father , or you, cant do the same for them.

Your children will also have grandparents I assume from both yours and their father’s side? Again if they don’t have a lot that’s not your current husbands fault

Its a case of just explaining to them how it works

No thats not reasonable. He is not your child's father. It's a shame their bio father is useless but that it a separate issue.

I can see both sides. It would make me sad too in your position but equally were I in your DH’s position I’m not sure how I’d feel about sharing it out.

I’m interested some of the money he’s saving comes from his income though. Do t you have general joint finances?

I can see why he might not want to give inheritances to kids that aren’t his but I think there’s an argument for having family income and deciding together what to spend it on.

I inherited money when my parents died. It is being given to my children and not my stepchildren. When we wrote out Wills, it was specifically written that the money in that account was for my 3 kids and not my husbands' kids.

Why on earth would you expect him to be responsible for another man’s children in this way?
Or, if you really do think like this, why did you not discuss before having your own child together.
Its unfortunate that neither you, nor their actual father can help, but if that is the case then it’s up to you to explain it to your first two dc.

He is treating all three of his dc equally.

You presumably treat all of your own dc equally.

Of course you're not being reasonable. Surely you know that?

Is his saving meaning he contributes less to your household (and you need to contribute more?)

No it’s unreasonable.

Are you personally saving money to give to his DC also?

The money has come from his own income and significant gifts from his parents and siblings.

So you start saving for your DC. He should be paying more to your household costs if he earns more which would leave you with money to put away for them.

No it’s not reasonable for you to ask him to reduce what he’s giving his own children. If your DC ask then the answer is simply because their DF wasn’t on the scene and your income isn’t sufficient to help them, but your DH’s is for his kids. I think it’s fair he wants to save for his own DC only

See this is why blended families don't work.

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable but personally I would leave the relationship.

The disparity is to big and it’s your job as a Mother to mitigate that.

If you are contributing equally to household finances then I think that's absolutely fair.

And by equally I don't mean equal monetary amounts. I mean proportionate with equal spends and food for all 5 etc being contributed to equally.

I can see why the gifts would be for his biological children but perhaps there is discussion to be had about how savings from income can be split between all 5 children?

Can you pin down why it doesn't feel fair as then it might make it easier to talk about with DH.
How have you organised family finances and household tasks? If you weren't there would DH be able to save as much? Are there any occasions where you pick up something for all 5 DC which limits how much you can save for your biological DC?

I think that ship has sailed, now they have a joint child. Even if she leaves, they child will still have benefits the other 2 won't.

I feel like it would be a little more complicated than the black and white responses. How old are your children? How old were they when he came into their lives? All the step parents I know are parents to their step children, to varying degrees. It includes being a step-grandparent, attending special events, babysitting step-grandchildren regularly, contributing to weddings, etc. maybe not as much for their biological children, and certainly not to the point of financial stress, but certainly there is not a ‘your kid, your responsibility’ attitude.

I think you’re unreasonable yeah, he’s saving from his income for his children, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not his fault that there’s nobody doing the same for the other kids that aren’t his.

No, it hasn’t. The children either see their Mother supporting them or continuing this disparity. You don’t continue unfair situations because they’ve already begun!

I believe step-parents should contribute equally to the household as opposed to the I am 1 person you are 4, so I'm only contributing 20%, even if you're all starving.

The savings is a different issue though. This involves contributions from him and different family members, so it would be unreasonable to expect them to stretch it to include your children. Unless of course he's mega wealthy with enough to cover 5 children.

But what is fair then? Is it fair that his existing children should have less because he’s decided to shack up with someone who has 2 kids of their own? I’d imagine their mum would argue that’s not fair, so would I. As long as he’s contributing fairly to the household it is absolutely fair that he is able to save his money for his own children’s future.

No. They should not have blended a family with such a vast financial disparity, the whole situation is unfair to the less privileged children. Separation would be fair.

If the roles were reversed would you be happy splitting the savings you had put aside for your children 5 ways?
your children have 2 parents who should be saving for them. It is not your husband’s responsibility to support just because their father has chosen not to.