Sharing finances within a blended family

[Wetredbat]

We have 1 joint DC, I have 2 DC from my previous marriage and DH has 2 DC from his previous marriage.

My DH is saving substantial amounts of money for his 3 children to help them get on the property ladder. The money has come from his own income and significant gifts from his parents and siblings.

However, my 2 DC won't have this benefit as he isn't saving for them and their own father isn't interested.

I am concerned that this will cause resentment further down the line when my DCs will be struggling to get onto the property ladder whilst their siblings/ step siblings will be able to do so with relative ease.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I would like him to divide the pot more equally, even just be sharing our DC pot with my DC.

Is this reasonable?

But the point is it’s too late for that now. They have a shared child, so even if they separated today dad is still going to be saving for his kids, which means the shared child, the half sibling of OP’s kids, is still going to have more money set aside for them when they are older.

Yes, they have a shared child. It could be worse, the other two children could be made to live in that house, get closer and closer to the Step Dad and Step children, see them play happy families and see their lives change dramatically in the future while theirs does not. It’s about damage control now, this isn’t a blended family - they can get off the gravy train at any point, not just make it worse because it’s already started.

But the point is they are still going to be seeing their half sibling’s life change dramatically.

I understand the point. Do you understand my point?

Completely understand why you feel the way you do. It feels unfair that your shared child and his dc will have more than your dc. But that is not your dh’s responsibility- they have two parents of their own. Are you not able to save some money for them?

Why can’t you save money for your dc from your income? Just having a deposit for a property doesn’t mean you will get one. You need a suitable job too.

i save for my kids but for a car.

No! Because when specifically talking about the finances, absolutely nothing changes that by separating. Their shared child will still have more, OP’s children will still have less.

Why can't you save? What's the financial split in the house?

Money from his parents and siblings isn't intended for your DC. Savings should go to his DC too - they're his DC. You should save for your DC. If you can't to the same extent that's just life - your DC can't be treated the same if you don't have the funds.

When your DC are of the age to be buying houses, their friends / colleagues / acquaintances will all be doing different things at different times with regard to buying / getting help with deposits etc. There's no difference between that and their step siblings having help imo 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why should your joint child suffer and have to share the savings saved for them with your two other DC? That's very unfair on your joint DC!

I voted YABU, but can see how this is awkward. I know it might not help to give a socialist view of things but why does everyone need a 'ladder'?Why has it got to be a big corporate game of speculation and demanding more? Can't we all just aim for somewhere cheaper and get what we can afford? I accept if having a family you can't be in a studio flat. Your own DC dad should be putting in the legally mandated amount to them, I accept that will not be enough to get a house on. There's schemes out there like shared ownership and housing co-ops, lifetime isa etc that make it a little easier. If your DC have a full time job and a partner with full time job then they will still be able to afford something probably.

I've though about this long and hard from the view of a step parent when setting my will up for 1 joint DC and DC of DH. Although I look at him as my own, he is not and has 2 parents of his own. Therefore (and taking into account I am the highest earner of the 3 and was prior to meeting DH) I have decided to split my estate 2/3 my son 1/3 SS explicitly written that although I love them both SS has 3 parents he is to inherit from. It may cause issues but hopefully my words of love will help. looking at it logically fundamentally my own child does end up worse off out of it but I also don't think inheritance is a right of anyone but that's a different thread!

It’s not hard to get your head round.

OP stays and shows she supports this disparity or OP leaves in solidarity and support for her other children and acknowledges how this situation would feel for them.

I doubt it will be the only situation in the home where the disparity will be an issue but that’s another story…

Again to the finances point, which is the question, how does separating make any difference to the finances?

YABU wanting your DC to have some of DH's inheritance. If you are a SAHM / PT and do pratically support your joint child and SC while financially sacraficing your own income I think you have a leg to stand on for household income being more equally split for all five children.

I never said it would.

I can absolutely understand why you feel jealous about this and jealousy is the right word to describe your feelings.

You will need to find another solution imo

As others have said, it’s doubtful had the situation been flipped, and you had lots of spare money/inheritance, that you would have included your dsc in the pot. It is what it is. Should your childrens father make an appearance in the future and pass them a substantial amount of money, I’m sure you wouldn’t tell your dcs they had to share the windfall because it’s unfair to the other children.

II don't think it's reasonable to expect him to save up for children that aren't his. That should be the responsibility if their own mother and father to help as much as they are able.

I am saving but it's a relative pittance compare to what he has saved. Although, bulk of savings were gifts from his parents which had been wisely invested.
Seeing your step brother gifted with a sizeable sum would be a bitter pill to swallow.

None of this is the fault of my 2 DC.

I have a wonderful stepfather, my mum married him when I was 15. He bought my first car, has helped me and my husband buy a house, and he helped pay for our wedding, no issue. Him and my mother share a daughter who is 17, she has had a private education (I got one too but not funded by him), university fees will be paid (I didn’t get this), and then will get support to buy a house/get married etc. my mothers estate will not be small, BUT my half sister will get more from them due to his side of the estate. My mother has mentioned she will be bequeathing me certain other things of value that have to do with mine and her life, which is lovely. In no way do I feel entitled to equal to my half sister, as he is not my father. My own father is dead (died young in the military, no inheritance to speak of) so I don’t have anyone else to plan for me. Your children are NOT entitled to get the same as his children, maybe it will teach them to be responsible and driven. It’s nobody else’s problem if they resent it, that’s life.

His DC are likely to benefit from an inheritance left by their grandparents then who are nothing to do with your DC.

YABU

It’s also not your husbands fault! Look into JISA accounts with compound interest, the growth over several years can be incredible. Your children, your responsibility, really not that of your husband.

Not really once it's explained they the money mostly came from Grandparents that they don't share. As long as it's clear it's different family money there should be no real upset

Realistically - if your child was given money from your parents, would you split it with your DH's children?

I suspect you wouldn't.

And I am also assuming - potentially unfairly that your DH does spend money on your children already, probably pays the bulk of the house expenses which means your children are better off than they would be

He is not financially responsible for your existing children's future - that is on you and their father.

Why are you and their father not saving for their future?