Sharing finances within a blended family

[Wetredbat]

We have 1 joint DC, I have 2 DC from my previous marriage and DH has 2 DC from his previous marriage.

My DH is saving substantial amounts of money for his 3 children to help them get on the property ladder. The money has come from his own income and significant gifts from his parents and siblings.

However, my 2 DC won't have this benefit as he isn't saving for them and their own father isn't interested.

I am concerned that this will cause resentment further down the line when my DCs will be struggling to get onto the property ladder whilst their siblings/ step siblings will be able to do so with relative ease.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I would like him to divide the pot more equally, even just be sharing our DC pot with my DC.

Is this reasonable?

The kids don’t need to have their faces rubbed in it. Hopefully don’t need to be told about the money. The kids could potentially hate their sibling and step dad and his kids. I would be worried about the family being torn apart.

Family money/inheritance is the luck of the draw, you can’t control what you are born into. Some people get lots, some absolutely nothing. It is unfortunate that your children’s father and wider family are unwilling or unable to help financially but that is not your DH’s problem. You say a lot of the money has come from your DH’s family, if I gifted money to my grandkids there is no way on earth I would want any of it going to children I had no ties to.

Your children shouldn't be surprised that children with different parents get different things. If they are, it is because you have mislead them into thinking they will get the same. Don't lie to your children that your husband is just as much their father as he is their siblings', and don't lie to them that they are entitled to just as much from him as the others. Your children have their own parents. It's no one else's responsibility to make up for what their parents can't provide them, nor is it the other children's responsibility to go without.

How would that work exactly? The only way to make sure would be to divide all of the household expenses by the number of people in the household which I believe is six. And then each adult would pay for the number of people that they're responsible for. That's 3.5 for her and 2.5 for him. So she would end up paying more for everything than he does. That may be how they do it now but if it isn't then it's not really going to behoove her to change it to that system.

I would say something like I respect you wanting to give your children a good start, but any drama that comes of this is on you. You won’t have any support from me.
You have said your piece. Then leave the topic.

No not at all. Adult children living at home for longer is fairly usual now for fund saving purposes in the absence of parental financial help. I can’t imagine it becoming less so anytime in the medium term future.

None of this is the fault of my 2 DC.

No, but neither is it your husband or his children’s “fault” @Wetredbat

And he is saving bequests or gifts from his children’s wider family - nothing to do with your children, except for the one you have together.

This is just life - different people have different circumstances.

Your DC probably benefit from living in a household with 2 incomes - your remarriage has, I imagine, been of some financial benefit to you and your DC.

I have 2 thoughts 😂

First, YABU to expect him to share the money he already has put away for his children - especially as some of this is gifts! This cannot happen and I can see it causing resentment among his family - not to mention his kids - if this comes out.

Secondly though, this is not all on you to solve. MN loves making people believe this isn't something to involve your husband in at all (because they're not his kids) but ultimately he is your husband and your problems are shared. Can you not say something like, 'right, it's good 3 are sorted with these nest eggs - can we discuss how to build up pots for the other two?' ~ you could aggressively save together to balance out the financial gifts between the 5, contributing more to your 2 without even touching the existing pots.

That's life unfortunately. If it were my earnings alone, and I got on well with step children I would probably share it out. However money that has been passed down my bloodline wouldn't be shared.

At least your children are benefiting from his additional wealth while everyone is alive.

Not reasonable at all. He has no obligation to provide capital sums to your children.

Any drama presumably will come from OP’s kids, therefore that is on OP to sort. OP caused the issue by marrying someone with much more money than her, so put her DC in a position where they will see differences up close.

Why does there need to be drama? At the point in time where the DH’s children are able to use the funds to buy a house, they either buy the house and nothing is said or it gets mentioned that the grandparents left them some money to do it. No drama.

Same with the OP what does she anticipate happening in this situation to cause the upset?

YABU to think your husband should he saving money for your two children’s future. They have two parents who can do that.

How old are all the dc? Surely being married to dh means that your two dc’s standard of living now has greatly improved. So they are benefitting anyway.

Hopefully her kids don’t find out and there is no issue. But I have seen this sort of thing explode into siblings no longer speaking plenty of times. He really can’t complain when he is sitting at the table near the toilets at the kids weddings after doing something like that. I wouldn’t be sticking up for him either.

@Guest100 Imagine being so spoilt and grabby.

Drama on him ?
Her children having a hissy fit I doubt he would care in the slightest.
I wouldn’t

I think you’ve been watching too much EastEnders

My cousin owns £1 million house because of her father’s financial acumen and parents overall hard work.
It’s called the luck of the draw
If he was leaving your joint child out then fair enough, but your kids have got nothing to do with this situation

Its a tricky situation especially if there is a disparity of wealth but i have been through this situation - fortunately by dh was happy to pool everything so more or less all the kids are treated equally

sorry but this is the reality of blended families. My child has a significant sum of money to receive when he’s 18, my child on the way also will do so due to investments I’ve made. However my step child won’t. It’s unfair and it’s shit but it’s life.

I don't think you can ask him to share the pot especially anything he earnt before meeting you and having 3rd child with you. However if you are working part time/SAHM for your youngest and therefore he is earning more etc but saving it away for his kids, then further discussion needs to happen so that you can put away some money for your older ones too. As you working less is facilitating him earning more. But if it's 50/50 all the way for shared finances then what he puts away for his kids, is totally up to him.

@AuntieJoyce @MyPithyPoster @OnlyMabelInTheBuilding
I have seen siblings no longer speaking over a boundary in a house they inherited, a ring inherited and some siblings getting their inheritance early. Never spoke again.

I wouldn’t be getting in the middle when it inevitably does go wrong. He may care when the family is split. What if the relationship ends because of it? Maybe he can live with one of his kids.

And I wouldn’t give into this behaviour. If anyone wants to stop speaking because they want money which is not for them, it’s no loss. You don’t give them money so they don’t kick off

@OnlyMabelInTheBuilding I agree it’s his money, I wouldn’t expect any to go to kids that aren’t his. Just that there will likely be negative consequences. And they are his alone to deal with.