Sharing finances within a blended family

[Wetredbat]

We have 1 joint DC, I have 2 DC from my previous marriage and DH has 2 DC from his previous marriage.

My DH is saving substantial amounts of money for his 3 children to help them get on the property ladder. The money has come from his own income and significant gifts from his parents and siblings.

However, my 2 DC won't have this benefit as he isn't saving for them and their own father isn't interested.

I am concerned that this will cause resentment further down the line when my DCs will be struggling to get onto the property ladder whilst their siblings/ step siblings will be able to do so with relative ease.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I would like him to divide the pot more equally, even just be sharing our DC pot with my DC.

Is this reasonable?

It’s not his fault either. Your children have 2 parents, he is not one of them. He is providing for his children, there’s nothing wrong with that.

All things to consider before having a shared child 🙄
bit late now

Yabu, why on earth should his DC miss out because the person he married can’t give her kids the same?

So massively UR.

You are the one that out your DC in this uncomfortbale position by getting married to someone with much more money. This is the reality of blended families. There are going to be lots of differences

So how do you share household costs OP? Is it split proportionally in line with your incomes?

Will you get any inheritance from your parents that you could use to help your DC?

If he’s giving a lot to the child you share then you could give any inheritance to just your two other children to try to even it up although not sure how the youngest would feel about that. These are the complications of blended families.

Yabu.

If your children are upset by this, then the fault is entirely yours for not discussing all this before making a decision to marry someone with kids and have a baby with them.

It is perfectly reasonable to leave all your money to your own children, and it is why many people in second relationships make the decision not to marry/blend.

You decided to, without discussing this, which is, odd.

The only way you would be being reasonable is if eg you are doing the major care of your joint child and he is not putting more in ti your joint pot accordingly.

How is everything sorted currently for the two of you finances/care of joint child wise?

Yikes, hold onto your hat. I’m soery but your kids will need to understand that life is not fair and if you hadn’t met their step father tgen presumably you’d be even worse off (life as a single person is expensive).

I thought that when you married your finances became joint?

Or for going back to work to save for your own children.

If he adopted your DCs then they should all be equal, if your previous DCs have a legal father around then why should your current DP give them money any more than your previous DC's father give your DC with your current partner money.

In time if your current DP feels liked a parent to your previous DCs he may feel more like giving them money, but while their actual father is in the picture that is unlikely.

I don't think he's being unfair if you generally keep separate finances but I do appreciate the disparity that it will cause.

Within my marriage we share everything, so in this situation, we would be saving for all the children in equal measure.

You need to ensure that you do not ever, in any way subsidise his children at the expense of yours.

From food shops to house percentages, energy bills and college fees.

It is on you to marshall your assetts and income and inheritances, lottery wins etc to ensure you prioritise your three kids.

None of it is the fault of your DH or his children. And you are in essence asking his children to give money to yours.

It will be a bitter pill to swallow but as their mother, it’s your job to manage those expectations as they grow up so it doesn’t come as a surprise.

It’s never the fault of a child that their parents aren’t rich. You need to teach your kids that they are fortunate to have what they have (because they are) and that’s that.

It doesn't sound like she is at any risk of spending money on his kids at the expense of hers..

Maybe her husband should take this approach too. Make sure he doesn't subsidise her children at the expense of his own.

Do you really think it is OK to expect the gifts from the childrens paternal grandparents to just be given to your kids? If I were your husband's parents and heard of this happening then I would view it as theft and be writing your husband out of the will replacing him with the grandchildren he/you had stolen from.

Why should your DH save for your DC? Especially when their father isn’t bothered? YABU.

It’s not your step children’s fault that they will have a larger inheritance than your children. Life isn’t fair and you will just make the situation into a huge issue and cause a rift within your family if you can’t accept that your husband can choose how he wishes to leave his families money.

Only if as a couple you choose to do that.

Good!

Not sure how old the children are, but when they are all old enough to understand, you and your husband need to discuss this with them and explain. There will always be some disparity within blended families, and its up to the parents to discuss, explain and prepare them for this.

Were the gifts from his parents for the children or for him? If for the children, you can’t insist it gets shared with your DH’s step kids, that would be theft.

Just want to point that out in case it simplifies things OP.

This is clearly an emotional subject and you may find it easier to focus on how to make the best of it if you realise what you’d like to have happen isn’t possible regardless of whether your DH wanted to or not.

I think yabu

its a way down the track surely? I’d say to your dh understand you’re saving for your kids, it would be really helpful for the sibling dynamic if you could phrase it as grandparents gifted the money to be invested for you so it’s something that happened a long time ago and not so much a direct choice from you, especially now while they are kids. Of course as adults I’m sure you’ll tell them but i think it would be simpler. You can’t expect him to share equally among 5 im afraid.