Sharing finances within a blended family

[Wetredbat]

We have 1 joint DC, I have 2 DC from my previous marriage and DH has 2 DC from his previous marriage.

My DH is saving substantial amounts of money for his 3 children to help them get on the property ladder. The money has come from his own income and significant gifts from his parents and siblings.

However, my 2 DC won't have this benefit as he isn't saving for them and their own father isn't interested.

I am concerned that this will cause resentment further down the line when my DCs will be struggling to get onto the property ladder whilst their siblings/ step siblings will be able to do so with relative ease.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I would like him to divide the pot more equally, even just be sharing our DC pot with my DC.

Is this reasonable?

Sorry YABU here. You said the gifts were largely from his family wisely invested. That's just life.

However, my 2 DC won't have this benefit as he isn't saving for them and their own father isn't interested.

OP you must know how unreasonable you're being. Your DC have a father who isn't interested - that's who you should be angry at, not your DH.

Yet another tale where someone has DC with someone useless, and expects the new family to step up to compensate.

If the DH isn't sharing all his income then the marriage might not have improved the DC's standard of living.

A house for one adult and two children would have cheaper running costs than a house for two adults and five children so the OP might not be saving anything there (depending on how bills are split) and if she lost child benefit she may be slightly worse off per month.

There can also be (sometimes unintentional) pressure from the higher earner in the relationship for the lower earning partner to live at their means which stops the lower earner being able to save. I mean things like lifestyle creep where the weekly shop is mostly branded foods or days out don't involve packed lunches anymore or takeaways have become weekly occurrences. Two lower earners might budget differently here but the higher earner doesn't want to as they still have disposable income even after buying these things.

A pp had a good idea of refering to the money already saved as given by grandparents and splitting money saved from income between all the children. Could you have a discussion with your DH about that?

A pp had a good idea of refering to the money already saved as given by grandparents and splitting money saved from income between all the children. Could you have a discussion with your DH about that?

I think this is an option but only if the OP is prepared to share things more generally.

Money obviously - if she gets a pay rise or won on premium bonds or whatever, would she be happy to share with her step children?

But also resources, time and energy more generally - if she wants her DH to share his money equally, I don't think she would also get to say "your kids, I am not driving them to school or helping them with their homework" or whatever, she needs to treat all of the kids equally. Which she might be doing already - just making the point that joining forces needs to be more than just taking the DH's money

I have 2 Stepkids
one of my own
dh is not the father to my son
my dh has never financially supported my son. Same as I haven’t for his kids

he’s always supported him in many other ways - from teaching him to tie his laces when he was a younger and helping to learn to drive - to help him painting and decorating his house - and DIY

they treat each like father & son but it’s nothing do with money

my son was given over 300k from his grandparents estate and stands to inherit the same amount possibly more again in a year or so from his dads side of the family

my DH has never once said it should be spilt between his kids he’s only ever been happy for him

In the past I’ve helped my son out a lot paying for stuff in his house for him and his partner and giving him extra cash because I can afford it .

my DH has never once suggested that the money I give my son should be split 3 ways

I think your very grabby to expect your DH to finance and save for two kids that aren’t his

It’s also not the fault of the children whose share you want to take for your children.

Why should they lose out? What gives you or your children right to their money?

If your two children you had before you met your now husband inherited money would you expect them to share with your husbands children from a previous marriage?

not a chance in hell you would, so it works both ways.

Wonder if OP’s sense of fairness would be triggered as much of the boot was on the other foot.

How long have you been together? Did you reduce your income to take leave for the joint child?

Unfortunately blended families will not be equal as I don't think step parents ever feel the same about step children Vs birth children. The instinct to provide for your own children is strong.

One area you may need to discuss with your DH is Uni funding as your DC could be impacted by the household income but suspect your DH might not want to contribute?

I'm sorry as I understand your upset but it's a reality of blending families...it's not usually equal.

Money from his family is fair enough, blended families aren't always equal. He should be fair on a day to day level.

My dsd inherited money this year from her family, my dc will inherit from mine who are younger so isn't helpful getting a house, just the way it is

I completely agree that joining forces is about more than money and financial assets.

They also share the youngest child which I expect means OP is already doing most of the child rearing in the house. The shared younger child is quite possibly also affecting the amount OP can earn.

I suspect she is doing more childcare for their joint child - but lots of stepmothers on here won't do anything for their stepchildren at all. Which is fine but not if they then expect their husbands to provide financially for the husband's stepchildren.

I also suspect the OP has been a low earner throughout - since she doesn't seem to have saved much at all, it doesn't sound like it's just about having the youngest child at all.

He is probably subsidizing her kids already so not sure the point of your post like he doing something wrong. Its not his fault that her kids father is useless is it?

By your logic everyone should just pay for their kids then and split bills equally, it doesn't matter if he earns more or not since it's time to retaliate.

Really?

He inherited money from his family and has saved and invested it for his children and your advice is to tell him that any drama is his fault 😂.

No it's OP job to ensure her kids don't grow up feeling entitled to money that isn't theirs, simple. It's not her husbands fault that the kids father is useless and has no interest in saving for his children.

Unfortunately in blended families there will be different circumstances and opportunities available to the kids. If one set of grandparents decide to leave millions to only their children will you insist they have to share it equally with OPs kids as well?

Is OP planning to equally share any inheritance that comes from her ex husband in the future, if any?

Really? Those kids are benefitting from OP and her DH living together now so if their reaction in the future because they are not given money like the other kids is to put him at the table near the toilets then OP has done a poor job raising them to be entitled to other people's money.

And I would be ashamed if my kids did that when it is clear it is not their money. But it looks like you would tell them "I told him to give you some but he didn't" 😂

OP should be preparing them for life so they know life isn't fair, not everyone gets the same things, the money was their family money so it's isn't yours, unfortunately your father and I couldn't save as much for you but this is the little that I was able to save, hope you can appreciate it. Your stepfather did a lot to support you growing up but unfortunately that inheritance is his family funds that he saved for them. That's what a wise sensible mother would do not play the "I wouldn't stand up for him" card while enabling entitled attitude from her children.

Thank you.

But according to @Guest100 your step kids are going to sit you by the toilet at their wedding for not making your son share his inheritance with them 😂

lol - I get on fine with my Step kids
probably because it’s always been clear that their dad doesn’t support my son any more than I support them financially

We have often in the past when the kids were younger did separate holidays & joint holidays worked fine for us .

None of them are traumatised by my son having a big inheritance from his grandparents
probably by the time he’s 32 he will be mortgage free and still have money left over while my step kids will be paying a mortgage for many many years

That’s life

Do you see your income and his income as your shared income?

If so, can any GP gifts go to his biological children, and then you two can work together to build a fund to be divided between all 5 children?

they aren't his children. He can love them and be a great father figure which I hope he is but they have their own father, their own family and their own grandparents etc. if they had been gifted a large sum of money would you be expecting them to give some away to step siblings? I'm guessing not.

YAB very U. No it’s not their fault, it’s not his either. If you want to save more money for your DC you need to earn more. The only time I’d see it as even slightly his responsibility is if you’ve given up work to care for your joint child, but then it should have been agreed at the time before you quit / cut back.

It is absolute madness to expect your DH to save money for your DC. They have their own father and grandparents from that side. Would you expect your DC’s father to save for your step children if he were inclined to save for his own? It's not your DH or his DC’s fault that your ex isn't interested in saving for his children. If there is a massive difference in your salaries, then maybe have a word with DH about savings being split differently from now on, but gifts from his parents/other relatives are not something your DC is entitled to in any way.