Sharing finances within a blended family

[Wetredbat]

We have 1 joint DC, I have 2 DC from my previous marriage and DH has 2 DC from his previous marriage.

My DH is saving substantial amounts of money for his 3 children to help them get on the property ladder. The money has come from his own income and significant gifts from his parents and siblings.

However, my 2 DC won't have this benefit as he isn't saving for them and their own father isn't interested.

I am concerned that this will cause resentment further down the line when my DCs will be struggling to get onto the property ladder whilst their siblings/ step siblings will be able to do so with relative ease.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I would like him to divide the pot more equally, even just be sharing our DC pot with my DC.

Is this reasonable?

I have three children; one of whom I share with DH. I absolutely do not expect my DH to be financially responsible for my two sons. That's not his role.

None of the kids are responsible for their parents financial circumstances, you can’t even play the broken home argument as all the older 4 have separated parents. You’d be very wrong to try to take money he’s saving for his 3 for your DC with a different dad. You must know that. You wouldn’t take money from your kids to give to his. Accept things as they are.

I would be concerned if he were attempting to ringfence marital assetts for the benefit of his children of his first marriage. That is wrong - they are marital.assetts, as much yours as his

I.would be concerned about the content of his will - is he going to make sure you are not left having to sell your home if he dies first?

While I believe he has a right to not make equal (or any) provision for your children, I can't really see how that works when you're building a blended family. Lije, hevis aav8ng tonnes and you're only able tobsave a pittance. If that isvoutbof income, why the imbalance?

That’s life. It’s his money. Unfortunately your two will have to deal with it.
However you can even it up by allowing them to live virtually rent free when older until they save up for a place. And your DH can’t say no to that. Make sure you leave your inheritance to your kids, not to your DH. Don’t put a lifetime tenant clause in the will.

The last paragraph of this!
Not his children, not his problem!
My kid is at school with kids who are just the same as him except with millions in the bag and guaranteed jobs in the family business when they finish school. Doesn't matter if his A Levels are better than theirs!. Of course it's a bitter pill to swallow. This is just the same, but it is life.
Just make sure that whilst they are all under the same roof, things are fair. So, same holidays, same Xmas presents etc. If you can do that, you can count yourself lucky!
And I think the learning is not to have children with dead-end men, as it creates heartache afterwards when they can't provide for their kids!

@Guest100 I’m unsure why you would advise the op take such an adversarial approach.

If she feels so strongly as to follow your advice, she may as well leave now.

How evil to suggest letting kids live at home while they save for a house.

Would you be so worried about the effect on your step children if your older children’s paternal grandparents gifted them start up money?

Either way, it’s too late now. Potential resentment because of financial disparity is inevitable in blended families. If you didn’t want your children to face the consequences of your choice to blend their family then you shouldn’t have done it.

Another poster telling the OP to treat her husband poorly seemingly not realising he could then do the exact same to her. If she wrote a will giving her half of the house to her kids with no lifetime tenancy for him don't you realise her husband could just do the same in return?

It doesn't have to be bitter. People have different access to finances all the time. Their friends at school, relationships, neighbours all will have different levels of privilege.
You can help them understand this is life, and most people don't have trust funds and significant inheritances to rely on.

Teach them to value their own creativity, skills, resilience and to be grateful for what they do have.

Don’t be disingenuous, that is not all you suggested.

We have 3 dcs - none shared. I save from my income from my dc’s but in my name and my dh does the same. If our family need it in the future for survival in case of redundancy etc then it will go into the family pot but it’s agreed it’s an emergency situation. Otherwise, what he puts in his and I put in mine is up to us out of our individual ‘spends.’ We contribute to the running of the house proportionally to our income and that’s the contribution we make to our blended family.

The only person that will know is her solicitor. Her DP has set up his kids for the future. The OP can help her kids by letting them live at home. But if something happens to her when the kids are young adults, two of her kids will be left to struggle while waiting for their inheritance, while the rest get handed a load of cash. Her Dp will be fine financially as he has all that money put aside. It’s unlikely to happen, but will put her mind at ease that her kids will be ok either way.

It's not your older children's fault. But why should money from DH's parents, intended for their own grandchildren, be shared by those grandchildren's step-siblings? It's nothing to do with DH's parents that your older children's father isn't providing for their future, and DH's older children shouldn't lose their grandparents' gift because their step-mother's ex is broke/not interested.

Understand your POV but I think this is a tricky one to navigate and YABU unfortunately

Question:
How would you feel if DH did split equally between all DC, but, DH's ex partner had 2 DC from a previous relationship and were included. Would you think that was fair?

That’s the crux though - the majority came from inheritance from people to whom your children are not related by blood and they’re quite simply not entitled to.

We have very complex wills but the crux of ours is that, although we completely share our finances, the wealth that has come directly from my husband’s business deals will be passed on it’s entirety to our daughter (via me if he was to die first - but the essence is that she will get the full benefit of it). My other grown up child will still inherit but a smaller sum from my own funds (he has a father from whom he will inherit well too). I’m completely in agreement with this. But we are talking about a lot of money, so neither of them will be going without.

I think that you, or they, ought to discuss it with their father

Sorry I assumed you meant not to let the kids live at home.

I think you have to ask yourself if the roles were reversed and your two children's father was in the picture and gave them money for property...would you be insisting your two kids share this with their half sibling? Would you be insisting they share this with their step siblings?

And how would they feel about it if they did - would they resent their half sibling and step siblings for having to give them money their dad had saved for them?

Sometimes ages make a difference too - if your husband's children are much older and have never lived with you etc, or your two children have not lived with your husband for long.

In our family all step children are treated the same as biological children and I like that about our family....but to be fair any step children have come into the family at 5 or younger....would everything be equal if they came in as late teens and didn't really see family members? I am not sure.

Can I just add - I am one of five children and while as young children my parents tried to be equal and fair with us - as adults they have provided help where its needed the most. Such as my little sister was a single mum so they lent her quite a bit of money so she could buy a house. Or they helped my older sister after her divorce wiped her out. These are my biological sisters - I do not feel jealous they were helped more financially by my parens - I take more of the view that my parents are kind and have wanted to help where it was needed.

These feelings of jealously are something you have and I can understand why you have them as you want your biological kids to be treated the same - but do not pass these feelings onto your two children accidentally. They may well and truly understand and not expect your husband to be giving them money for property.

I think it depends on how old the children were when you married and how wealthy your DH is. If you have been married since your own biological children were very young and your DH has played an important role in raising them as a stepfather, then I find his position somewhat questionable. Similarly, if he is very wealthy such that he could help his stepchildren without it being a big deal, then I also find it a bit sad that he wouldn’t help them even if on a smaller scale than what he’s giving to his biological children.

Whilst I understand your feelings, it would be unreasonable to expect Dh to contribute to this. If DH wasn’t on the scene, they’d have what they have. DH can’t share his dc inheritance from family members, it’s earmarked for them. Equally he doesn’t know what your kids will inherit. He could cut down his kids pots and find your dc inherit more than his. But either way your Dh spare money is for him to spend how he wishes. I do wonder if the shoe were on the other foot, if you£ feel the same?

If my DC were resentful of my DH's provision he was able to make for his own children, I would be disappointed that I hadn't raised them to be more understanding and to be grateful for what they have. You say it's not your DC's fault, and it isn't, but neither is it his children's fault that their father and wider family have been able to make provision for them.

This. Except separating is worse because she'd be breaking up the joint child's family and displacing her children again.

I can well understand your frustration and concern but it is a difficult one.

I would like to think I would put some money away so that harmony could be maintain but it is a difficult one.