To tell them they can’t drink in their own home?

[Toddlertantrums222]

Hi, I am a single mum to a toddler and have been invited by my family (parents and siblings) to spend Christmas with them and stay for the week.

I sent out a text a few days ago to basically say that I’d really appreciate it if people withhold from consuming alcohol around my son, excluding Christmas Day. I explained that most nights he goes to bed by 6/7pm so obviously still plenty time to drink in the evening. Reason being is that I just don’t like the atmosphere of people being drunk, especially when it brings out an aggressive/argumentative side which I have seen in certain family members. I wouldn’t take him to a pub everyday for the same reason. It’s also a safeguarding concern as a few months ago one family member was watching my son and he had a fall, resulting in a lump on his head and bruise lasting a week. I didn’t know they had been drinking, apparently it was only a couple, but I really felt like the alcohol was partly to blame. Maybe I’m being paranoid and it had nothing to do with it, but that’s how I feel.

2 out of the 3 adult family members have responded with yes that’s totally fine but the others have not. Not a peep.

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not. Personally I don’t really care for alcohol, could go months without touching it, so doesn’t bother me. But appreciate others do enjoy drinking a lot more than me.

How long might you be out of the room? It won't be the end of the world if your son hears an argument for a couple of minutes. Would he even recognise it if they were rude?

Nice to know someone else gets it, but also not nice if you know what I mean.
Everyone else thinks I’m mad 😂

If people start to get rude, you take your child up to your room, and settle down to sleep / chill ..

You are being very unreasonable

This isn’t her inlaws though. It’s her parents and siblings. If you can’t speak your mind to your own family it’s a sorry state of affairs. Better she asks for a favour than stop seeing them.

Yep, if you're already shit-faced before seven pm, you have a drinking problem. OP is concerned about drunken aggression, which would only be an issue if they were already quite drunk.

Completely understand your concerns, but you are being unreasonable asking people not to drink for the sake of one toddler being there.
If you are concerned, ultimately don’t go.

But OP doesn't have to go NC. She can just do her Christmas her way and leave others to do the same.

Did you read the post or just the headline? She clearly was talking about a request.

My message to them was a polite ask, the headline is a bit misleading in that respect. However obviously if they said no and didn’t agree, I think my family would feel that I wouldn’t come and they’d be correct so in a way I can understand why it did feel like I was ‘telling them’ even tho I wasn’t if that makes sense.

IKR. So many crazy responses.

Everyone gets why you want to do it, they just don’t think you have any right to dictate what someone does in their own home, just as they can’t dictate what you do in your home.

It's manipulative and entitled, OP. I'm not bashing you - I know you feel it's for the right reasons, but as a parent, you will have to deal with far worse. Just make the most of being a family at Christmas and let your family do it their way or leave them to it and you do you. You can always host something in the week between Christmas and New Year's Eve and do it alcohol free.

I would have asked my family this if Îd needed to. They aren’t just random friends ( that would be unreasonable 😆) I get not wanting to expose your child to people who get nasty with drink when you’ve witnessed it yourself. At the same time they’re your family and I’m sure you all want to see each other. So better to ask ( but have a plan if people don’t stick to their promise)

Yeah I understand that tbh, and I don’t make a habit out of dictating to anyone what to do in their home, this isn’t normal for me either.
But the alternative was either we don’t go and my son doesn’t get to see some of his family who he loves and I also don’t get to see them and vice versa OR we go and it’s an absolute shit show because some people never put the bottle down.

I’m actually glad that I asked.

My dad was a problem drinkers when I was a child, hasnt drunk for 20 years now. My grandad was a drunk till the day he died. My grandfather was highly vicious and aggressive without alcohol. I wouldn't take my kid near either of my grandfathers. I've dealt with alcoholics and aggressive men from a young age I still think what OP did was unreasonable and it was pointless except to get peoples backs up. Asking a problem drinker not to drink doesn't work. If I was worried about a problem drinker or someone aggressive I wouldn't have my child there.

Oh no you don't do that. You don't take your son if you feel it's a safeguarding concern or you sufficiently supervise him.

And how do you expect your son to learn about reasonable social drinking. Every arsehole I met as a teen had parents who were non drinkers...the kids discovered booze. One girl I had to regularly carry out of situations she shouldn't have been in.
I've been in and around pubs all my life, my old man drank, I scattered his ashes in his favourite pubs...I love a drink but on the 27th I will stop as I'm on call for a funeral director...it's disrespectful so I won't drink all over New year.

You're forgetting that it was only requested before seven pm and it excluded Christmas day. So no, it's not odd. Who even gets drunk enough to be aggressive before seven, besides chronic alcoholics?

But if it's that bad why is it acceptable on Christmas day and why is op putting her child in that situation

It’s easy to say just don’t go if you’re concerned but this would be my first Christmas on my own if we stayed here and the thought of that makes me wanna cry.

Yes I’m a mother now, but I’m also a daughter and sister too. I have really good relationships with most of my family. My youngest sibling is still in school, so I rarely see her anyway and this is one of the few chances I’ll get to spend time with her.

Of course if the atmosphere became unpleasant I would leave without hesitation. I will always safe guard my son above everything and everyone.

You understand what the family environment is like when your family has been drinking - posters here don’t. I can well imagine certain scenarios that I wouldn’t want my child witnessing or hearing. Naice ordinary people who haven’t seen the fights, dynamics etc when alcoholics party or even amongst those who drink only to get very drunk won’t get it. If this is what you’re getting at, the only way to protect your child is not to go.

However, if what you’re likely to experience is merely Auntie Maisie having had one sherry too many or Uncle Fred being rather loud and falling asleep after a few glasses of wine, then that’s a very different manner and people think that’s a bit mad and overly controlling. You’re the best judge.

Leaving right aside OP asking problem drinkers to restrict their drinking is highly unlikely to help and would have some reaching for the bottle even more. You're better off staying elsewhere so you can retreat if necessary. Or if the house is large and you can have a room away from the communal areas you could retreat to with toddler that may be ok at least while they're little. It will be a lot more problematic once they're 4/5/6 and starting to really notice things. At some stage you're probably going to need to ask yourself if the good outweighs the harm. We were NC with my alcoholic grandfather when he died, also NC with the other still alive one, who was aggressive and angry. The later was MUCH scarier as a child. I wouldn't have kids near either of them, but if I had to chose the angry one was far worse being around as a child.

I agree that she should just not go if they get nasty when they drink.
It sucks that she and her child should have to miss out on things because of other people's choices, but what can you do. Drunks are gonna drink, even if they promise they won't.

So do that, let people do what they want and if the atmosphere becomes unpleasant leave

I’d tell you to bugger off.