To tell them they can’t drink in their own home?

[Toddlertantrums222]

Hi, I am a single mum to a toddler and have been invited by my family (parents and siblings) to spend Christmas with them and stay for the week.

I sent out a text a few days ago to basically say that I’d really appreciate it if people withhold from consuming alcohol around my son, excluding Christmas Day. I explained that most nights he goes to bed by 6/7pm so obviously still plenty time to drink in the evening. Reason being is that I just don’t like the atmosphere of people being drunk, especially when it brings out an aggressive/argumentative side which I have seen in certain family members. I wouldn’t take him to a pub everyday for the same reason. It’s also a safeguarding concern as a few months ago one family member was watching my son and he had a fall, resulting in a lump on his head and bruise lasting a week. I didn’t know they had been drinking, apparently it was only a couple, but I really felt like the alcohol was partly to blame. Maybe I’m being paranoid and it had nothing to do with it, but that’s how I feel.

2 out of the 3 adult family members have responded with yes that’s totally fine but the others have not. Not a peep.

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not. Personally I don’t really care for alcohol, could go months without touching it, so doesn’t bother me. But appreciate others do enjoy drinking a lot more than me.

Exactly. You are telling them, however you phrased it. It's basically an ultimatum. You're not going to be there if they don't comply, and presumably your parents want you there. That's why you're unreasonable. Like I said, I agree with you. But it's not fair to do.

YABU - I would find this OTT if a family member sent this message. Unless your family are abusive/violent drunks, in which case I wouldn’t be spending time with them at all. I say this kindly as someone who has been a single parent to a toddler - I remember how difficult and isolating holiday times can be.

Could you arrange with your siblings to arrive a bit earlier to have a chance for a good chat? Then you could leave after the meal if the problem drinkers are imbibing heavily at dinner.

People here with experience of alcoholics in the family are posting, and OP, you need to listen. It is not for you to try to control their behaviour for a week in December to suit you. I now exactly how you feel, but trying to control other people's behaviour is not the way to deal with it. You have to accept people as they are. You can't say they can drink on this day but not that. As an adult, you have to make decisions about what is and isn't safe - if it's not safe for your child, don't go. If you don't like it, don't go. If you want to go, suck it up and have a Plan B.

Possibly used to you being a bit bossy and agree to keep the peace.

Guarantee they’ll have a drink or two.

You just shouldn’t go.

I don't know. Ask her.

Three family members have agreed apparantly with out asking why. Perhaps OP is not the only one who dislikes the atmosphere, Maybe they’re relieved someone has brought it up?

🤣🤣🤣 op if it's that bad why is it acceptable on Christmas day and why are you putting your child in this situation

Because I’ve spent many Christmas’s with them in the past and they tend to be on their best behaviour then.

No it’s unreasonable. Although I understand why you don’t want your DS to be around alcohol especially depending on how they behave but you need to make a choice not to go if that’s the case.

Handy hint; if you post it to me she won't get a notification and all the emojis in the world won't override that. You're welcome.

They're your family, so you should be able to ask them anything. Even this. I think it's a reasonable suggestion if there is a problematic drinker who threatens to ruin it for everyone else just because they can't control themselves. Why should you and your son miss out on a family Xmas because of an alcoholic in the family? Why aren't you allowed to say anything? Sounds like a reasonable request to YOUR OWN family and a good compromise. Well done OP

Your totally unreasonable you can't tell people what to do in their house don't bloody go then I wouldn't want you in my house if that was the case

Exactly !!! Praise the Lord at last someone else who thinks like me 😆

They are not just people they are her family.

I’m in the minority here @Toddlertantrums222 but I think YANBU. You just asked the question - they had every right to say no, but they didn’t!

They’ve went along with it for some reason, maybe they’re self aware and know they’re not their best selves when drinking for the whole day and night so are low key relieved. Or maybe they just don’t want to risk you not coming.

But for whatever reason, they’ve agreed not to drink before 7pm -which isn’t some massive hardship if you’re not an alcoholic - so I don’t see why people are getting upset??

If they said no and you were trying to force it that would have BU.

I would add that staying with anyone for 7 days is too long.

Doesn’t anyone you know drink in moderation? Are the only two options “funny drunk” or “belligerent drunk”?

It sounds like you hang around with a lot of problem drinkers. Given that, I actually don’t think it’s unreasonable to say you don’t want to bring your DC round if they are all going to be pissed and starting fights with thin air by 3pm. But you’d be better just not going than trying to tell an aggressive alcoholic not to drink.

Ouch. OP is clearly upsetting alcoholic Mumsnet today. For some Xmas is about family, and other Xmas is about drinking. And never the twain shall meet.

I wouldn’t if it was my daughter asking. Îd want to understand why and given OP’s reasons I’d agree with her request.

96% on unreasonable - suck it up OP and stay home or retract. Think about this long term - your family are not going to suddenly change I grew up with adults who were, at the very least, alcohol dependent. As an adult, I've navigated social situations knowing that what people say is not the same as what will happen.

But this is not your house - if you want things done your way, you do the shopping, catering and negotiations with everyone. If you're not doing that - go with the flow or stay away.

Yes, you could agree ... but who are either of you to change the rules for everyone else?

Less than a week before Christmas too.

I've voted YABU as you can't get to dictate that they're not allowed to drink in their own home over Christmas.
I'm a mum, I totally get being anxious, but if you're with them, surely you'll be keeping an eye on them so there hopefully won't be any drama or accidents this time?

Of course you're being unreasonable.

YOU need to stay sober to look after your child, but nobody else does.