To tell them they can’t drink in their own home?

[Toddlertantrums222]

Hi, I am a single mum to a toddler and have been invited by my family (parents and siblings) to spend Christmas with them and stay for the week.

I sent out a text a few days ago to basically say that I’d really appreciate it if people withhold from consuming alcohol around my son, excluding Christmas Day. I explained that most nights he goes to bed by 6/7pm so obviously still plenty time to drink in the evening. Reason being is that I just don’t like the atmosphere of people being drunk, especially when it brings out an aggressive/argumentative side which I have seen in certain family members. I wouldn’t take him to a pub everyday for the same reason. It’s also a safeguarding concern as a few months ago one family member was watching my son and he had a fall, resulting in a lump on his head and bruise lasting a week. I didn’t know they had been drinking, apparently it was only a couple, but I really felt like the alcohol was partly to blame. Maybe I’m being paranoid and it had nothing to do with it, but that’s how I feel.

2 out of the 3 adult family members have responded with yes that’s totally fine but the others have not. Not a peep.

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not. Personally I don’t really care for alcohol, could go months without touching it, so doesn’t bother me. But appreciate others do enjoy drinking a lot more than me.

It doesn’t matter if even a 100% voted Op is BU.Her family’s opinion is the one that matters and they’ve agreed to go along with it. Problem solved!

Of course they may not stick to it but Op can only take their response at face value and see how it goes. If it doesn’t work out she can always just not go next time.

I just don’t understand the anger about this considering it’s not anyone on here being asked not to drink 😆 It’s her family who have been asked and they’ve said yea so what’s the issue?

Op enjoy your week with family and update us on how it goes!

I don’t think it’s about being an alcoholic, I think it’s more about being controlling about something many people enjoy as part of Christmas dinner and also about dictating to others.

It’s like OP asking them all to avoid eating any sugar as part of the meal because it’s unhealthy and she feels they are setting a bad example around obesity and would be too fat to run after her son if he bolted which was a safety issue. Or asking them not to eat meat because it’s harmful to animals and she is bringing her son up as a vegetarian. You would think wtf not accuse people of being sugar or meat addicts if they objected.

I tried to DM you but mine doesn't work , Could you please DM me. Thanks. Onl y if you have the time.

Exactly lol what a bonkers thread and this in particular is an OTT unnecessarily aggressive response.

It makes me think the heavy Christmas drinking is clearly well underway for some posters on this thread and they are not the “happy” sort of drunks.

@Toddlertantrums222 You say it is a large house. Could you and your toddler just leave the room and go elsewhere or for a walk?
What does your younger sibling do when things get fraught?

Whilst I can understand your concerns regarding aggressive behaviour if it’s that bad why would you want to put yourself and your child in that position.

It’s like OP asking them all to avoid eating any sugar as part of the meal because it’s unhealthy and she feels they are setting a bad example around obesity and would be too fat to run after her son if he bolted which was a safety issue. Or asking them not to eat meat because it’s harmful to animals and she is bringing her son up as a vegetarian

Too much sugar is bad for you but not necessarily just because of obesity anyway that aside - I have such a sweet tooth AND I love fish!

So if someone asked me this I won’t lie I’d probably say no 😆 or I’d eat chocolate in secret lol but that’s the thing - OPs family could say no too. If they’ve chosen to go along it there is literally no issue.

I'm in the minority but I understand perfectly where you are coming from.

I love a drink as do most of my friends and family, but we are all generally cheerful and very moderate drinkers. Unfortunately one family member is a terrible drinker and becomes maudlin, argumentative and and confrontational. As adult it is tedious and rather depressing to be around, but for children it is really unsettling and potentially quite frightening.

Why should the crappy behaviour of one family member mean that another family feels they have no choice but to exclude themselves? I think the fact that it is their house is a red herring. Everyone should be prioritising each other irrespective of whose house it is, and if you're a problem drinker then you should take it on the chin when someone calls you out on it. Which thankfully is what seems to have happened in the OP's case.

I see there is a bit of a turn here - if you agree that OP can choose what people drink, anyone disagreeing is alcoholic or sanctioning alcoholic behaviour. The majority are seeing the real issue - if you are a guest in a house (even your parents' house) you just quietly accept the social mores. I will not drink any more alcohol at Christmas than any other time of the year. I won't drink during the day, and I won't have more than a couple of glasses of wine. Do I get to impose my regimen on everyone else? No. Does having a child give you a pass? No

Personally I just wouldn't visit.

I think you're asking for trouble.

A) I wouldn't want my kid around people who become aggressive when drunk. So don't think you're unreasonable to protect him against that.

BUT

B) you can't dictate what people do in their own home.

AND

C) so they agree to it now but 4pm Christmas eve and they decide to crack open the Bailey's. What are you realistically going to do? Either you'll sit there on edge or you'll start an argument (even if not intentionally).

Did you phrase it as a question? If not I wouldn't reply to you. So it may be that they're fine with it and just haven't replied.

Edit

It's her FAMILY. She can ask them anything. And it's good that she feels she can. They can say no. But as it turns out, most have said yes. Because, Ya know, families do sometimes care about each other and do things for each other. How depressing is it to not be able to ask your own parents and siblings a favour? How depressing is it that people prioritise drinking over seeing a loved one? There are some incredibly rude responses on this thread which does suggest an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. SORRY

I suppose …but if it’s one person causîng the trouble and it’s my house maybe it wouldn’t be unreasonable of me to lay down the law?

You can ask.

They can say no.

I completely understand where you are coming from OP - my family drink heavily and it used to really scare me and my cousins as children - none of us cousins drink as adults now. Unfortunately you are a guest in their house and they can do whatever they want. The only thing you can control is your own behaviours/ reactions so if you don’t to be around for the week long booze fest then I’d suggest you stay for a shorter amount of time. You and your son can still have a lovely time in the days before/ after Xmas just the two of you - and you will be less stressed too!

Yes, how lovely to see so many people full of the Christmas spirits.
Imagine how much the holidays with self-righteous alcoholics would suck.

Sorry but you sound bonkers. If they’re that bad you shouldn’t go. You certainly can’t go around telling other people what to do. Even alcoholics

😂😂😂 thanks for the laugh OP. Oh and YABU by the way.

For me, it boils down to this. Either your family are:

• Not overly problematic drinkers. In which case, you have no business asking them not to drink at a festive occasion in their home.

• Problematic drinkers. In this case, how could you possibly trust any undertaking they make not to drink at Christmas, of all times? If they're so bad, you should not go. Why take the risk?

Reading through your responses you sound incredibly self-centred.

You’re only interested in you and your son having a good time and things going the way you want them to regardless of the fact that you’re actually being hosted in someone else’s home with what sounds like about 8 other people… and that goes so far as ‘well I want to go so it’s okay for me to ask everyone else to change their behaviour.’

The YABU number is irrelevant.
Half of the posters didn't get over the headline.
Half of those who did inserted themselves and their drinking habits in the situation and feel offended someone would ask them when they have "no problem".

You are trying to find a way to make the stay with your family work and you actually have a good chance to get the critical mass on your side. Of course things can blow up anyway, and you know it, but it is absolutely worth trying.

Unreasonable...

The safeguarding concern doesn't sound like it arises from being around someone who's had a drink, but by being supervised by someone who has been drinking.

I have a long line of alcoholics and addicts in my family- I choose to keep my kids away from them.
I do however think you're unreasonable. If they were visiting you, you could put those rules in place, but you going and visiting on them Conditions just doesn't sit right with me.

You sound way, way, way batshit crazy over-the-top and have Precious First Born syndrome. Please get a grip before you lose family and friends.