Christmas lunch - guests, contributions and leftovers

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I can’t decide who IBU here so please help.

There’s a small number of us for Christmas lunch, we’re hosting. SIL (single, no children) has bought the turkey crown under duress. For completeness, we host every year for her and PIL (for the last 10 or so years) and haven’t previously asked for anything. Nothing has ever been offered either, no drinks brought round as a thank you. Now SIL is saying she will take all of the turkey leftovers!

I can’t decide if that’s fine as she’s paid for it or if she’s being a CF as she’s getting the whole Christmas dinner prepared (she won’t lift a finger while she’s here, never does).

So who IBU - me for expecting the leftovers to be left, or her for taking them all?!

Not rtft but just say 'no problem, I presume you'll also be cooking it then? What time do you want me to pop the oven on to warm up?

I disagree with those saying not to invite her next year... invite her but just delegate the brussels sprouts to her instead of the turkey and really overestimate how many you need, hopefully she'll go home with a full tupperware 😂

I’d probably turn it into soup, pie, curry or have it cold with the Boxing Day ham and pickles. Possibly sandwiches with cranberry sauce or plain with lots of salty butter.

I’m sure SIL will enjoy it. Just not as a plate of just turkey.

I wouldn't mention her entitlement, but during the meal you and DH should comment on how, after the enjoyable entertaining and excesses on Christmas Day, you normally slob out and have turkey and stuffing sandwiches or that its been quite a tradition seeing who can be most inventive with the turkey leftovers and you will miss it this year. I'd shame her without being direct.

Is the OP "hosting" or is the OP organizing a family potluck?

What age is the SIL?

How many others attend, what are their ages? Has anyone else ever been asked to bring the turkey crown or other main meat? What DO they bring? What is the typical menu and duration of the event?

I don't think it is if she is the tight wad of the family. If you split the cost over a decade I'm pretty sure it is fair, in comparison to what everybody else is bringing. Also who suggested the crown? Did SIL suggest it, so she can keep most of it for later?

I've never bought a turkey crown, but a quick google suggests that for one for 8 people it would be about £26.

Assuming you bought most of the Christmas Dinner, because I certainly can't be bothered to add up the costs of all the ingredients and the cost of cooking, for 8 people:

Christmas Pudding - £12
Brandy Butter & fresh custard - £7 (17)
Potatoes, carrots, parsnips, swede, broccoli, peas, leeks - £12 (29)
sausages/bacon - £8 (37)
cranberry sauce, bread sauce, stuffing - £10 (47)
condiments, herbs, etc - £10 (57)
crackers - £10 (67)
champagne / red wine - £30 (97)
soft drinks - £15 (112)

Obviously costs vary hugely - people might drink no/cheaper wine, or spirits, or have starters, there are many variables. Throw in a tenner for the cost of gas / electricity / washing up / etc, and an overall cost might be about £122 for 8 people, just over £15 a head. so SIL's turkey isn't out of proportion, and she's not doing any of the actual work.

Radical idea - if you begrudge your guests a meal, don’t host.

Thank you for the opinions. I appreciate asking one person to provide the main part of the meal is a lot but I think I just got fed up after all these years of not trying to rock the boat! The leftovers comment was enough to push me over the edge!

I’m going to leave this as DH’s problem for Christmas Day as his family dynamic is very different to mine… I do love a turkey and gravy sandwich though 🤤

I mean literally just serve her a plate of turkey on Christmas Day! She didn't contribute to anything else and is so precious of her turkey. She can fill her boots.

She would have the piss well and truly taken out of her in our house.
"You can't be SERIOUS depriving us of the turkey leftovers when we've slaved away all day for you" "Mum, did you hear what X wants to do? She must be winding us up"
Play with it. Have fun. Don't let it ruin your day.

That only makes sense if everybody only eats the part of the meal they bought which is shot for everyone.

She’s def a CF

i think I’d ask her what she’s expecting to go with HER Turkey, as you’ll be having all the roasties, pigs in blankets etc and the gravey minus the Turkey.

I think I’d get another one, cook it and keep for the following day, she can take what’s left home but NOTHING else.

Get her pissed up on booze and claim she polished the lot off. Gluttonous cow.

I think a, “you know what, don’t bother.” Might stop her in her tracks.

If you lay off food Monday and Tuesday you could possibly stuff it all down your neck at the dinner table right in front of her face.
Or sneeze on it as it’s being bagged up.

But its Ok for them to do so for 10 years including all the accompaniments, prep, cooking, serving, entertaining and cleaning up and unreasonable to expect the SIL to provide the turkey for 4 people ONCE?

Well for what it's worth op, I don't blame you. SIL sounds like a tightwad. Maybe if she had brought a bottle of wine, or baked something, or literally made an iota of effort over the years, you wouldn't have felt the need to ask. I hope it works out, and that she possibly receives a visit from the three ghosts before she arrives!

Oooh a gravy soaked slice of bread, the moist maker...... 😋

No one else is demanding their leftovers.

Were you forced to host for 10 years?

Exactly!!!!

This is where family holiday gatherings are their own thing. This isn’t a random dinner party, it’s an occasion where people are wanting to gather with parents and siblings and celebrate a major holiday together. Saying people should choose between taking on all the costs and work themselves or just not seeing family on Christmas ignores that.

Being willing to just shrug off family connections and traditions rather than speak up and say “hey, sister, will you help out with this family gathering please?” would be rather sad.

This!

Not read all the posts but it's definitely cheeky. If she'd even said would you mind if I at least take some back...then maybe.

We as a family host at someone's house, generally parents as it's the biggest. But to ease the work and financial pressure we all chip in. I'll be there on Christmas Even helping to prep and set up. Me and my sis do a starters each and bring them with us so people get a choice (leftovers roll to the next day if some of us are getting together or split between us all), my bro is buying and doing a ham, my mum is doing turkey and beef and we will all help with the veg etc. My mum does the Christmas cake and me and my sis each do a pudding. Then my other brother brings the wine and cheeseboard.

It works really well!

Tends to be more clearing up from the ones who haven't done any cooking etc. There's normally around 12-15 of us.