Christmas lunch - guests, contributions and leftovers

[HardonCollider]

I can’t decide who IBU here so please help.

There’s a small number of us for Christmas lunch, we’re hosting. SIL (single, no children) has bought the turkey crown under duress. For completeness, we host every year for her and PIL (for the last 10 or so years) and haven’t previously asked for anything. Nothing has ever been offered either, no drinks brought round as a thank you. Now SIL is saying she will take all of the turkey leftovers!

I can’t decide if that’s fine as she’s paid for it or if she’s being a CF as she’s getting the whole Christmas dinner prepared (she won’t lift a finger while she’s here, never does).

So who IBU - me for expecting the leftovers to be left, or her for taking them all?!

I'd do this , tell her you want a crown from x ( slightly obscure) place so you will pay for it but she can 'help' by cooking it

OK, if it's a family potluck, then why is the SIL a CF for wanting the leftovers of the item she provided?

Can't have it both ways. Either one hosts, and is the authority on all of the arrangements, or one is part of a potluck.

Has this event been a potluck in the past? What does everyone else contribute and how have leftovers been handled in the past?

If OP doesn't want the event to take place at her venue, then she needs to say so. If she wants to spread the cost around among family members, they are contributors, not guests, and deserve a say in the arrangements, menu, cost and duties. Did she consult anyone on any of that?

Her "disposable income" has nothing to do with the situation. Trying to cadge her money is quite unseemly. Either one hosts, or one organizes a potluck and spreads the duties throughout the guest list. You can't just target someone because you are envious of their "disposable income."

It’s not a pot luck. It’s Christmas Day with close family and one adult family member has apparently spent 10 years doing less to contribute to the meal than my teenagers do. When asked to provide one (uncooked) item that is well within her financial means to help putting on Christmas for her immediate family she acted like a twat about it. If she didn’t like that specific request she could offer to help in some other way… she didn’t. She’s not being denied opportunities to be involved and she’s not offering to host it all and getting snubbed. And if OP and her DH don’t invite her next year it won’t be like not inviting the neighbor who never brings a dish to the next summer cookout, it would be a person’s closest family members excluding her from their Christmas Day celebrations.

Good lord.

All the parties, barbecues, general get-togethers I’ve ever had, I’ve always never expected anyone to bring anything - indeed, told them just to bring themselves and their company. People have been invited as friends, so why expect them to contribute food, drink or anything else. Life’s for living.😀

Agree. If I am hosting, I am providing the entire meal, and they are welcome to it.

If a person doesn't enjoy hosting or begrudges the cost, there's nothing stopping them from saying "Nope, someone else's turn this year." But to order a begrudged guest "under duress" to provide the main part of the meal? And then act the noble martyr about it? Unbelievable. Have some couth.

I can completely understand why OP is annoyed, however, if it was me I wouldn’t get wound up over a bit of turkey 😵‍💫. If she has always taken advantage then I wouldn’t make much conversation with her on Christmas day and I would let her take the leftovers. To be honest it’s really awkward that she has even announced that she is taking the turkey home at the end. Do you know if it was very expensive? Some turkeys can cost a lot of money. Maybe don’t invite her for lunch next year. Why would you want to be around someone so rude anyway.

Presumably you don’t have any hangers on that you’d rather not be there.
I get the impression that op’s sil is a duty invite only; tbh I can’t understand why she continues to issue the invitation if she resents her so much.
Perhaps instructing her to provide the turkey is an oblique attempt to make her consider whether to accept or not?
I’d be more upfront, but some people just can’t.

I get the impression that op’s sil is a duty invite only; tbh I can’t understand why she continues to issue the invitation if she resents her so much.

I would assume it’s to avoid making her DH’s parents choose between their two children on Christmas Day and because most people try to avoid throwing out close family relationships like siblings over behavior that is aggravating but not harmful or abusive.

Are you expecting a prize? It’s a clearly a different situation for OP. These are not her children, they are her in laws. Why should she pay for everything for a decade and the SIL say she’s taking home the leftovers the first year she actually brings something UNDER DURESS. Ridiculous behaviour and it shouldn’t be tolerated.

It isn’t targeting the SIL. Good grief. SIL should have different help in some way long before now o stead of turning up empty handed like a sullen teenager. I would never turn up to a dinner (Christmas included) without bringing something. Even if it’s a bottle of wine or champagne that the host adds to their own cellar.

We all know the family dynamics aren't as simple as this. The OPs inlaws don't have the income to host so its either leave them on their own or invite them over. But then what happens with the SIL, you have to invite her too.

If you are inviting friends to a meal, then you invite and you pay/host. This is different, there are certain family obligations that come with Christmas etc and this is the crux of the family here. OP isn't saying she doesn't want the SIL there, she is just saying that its annoying her that she never makes any effort to contribute (when the inlaws do), either by bringing something or helping to prepare/tidy on the day.

OP has explained her SIL has a good disposable income to illustrate that it is not because she cannot afford to contribute.

Her SIL may not have a home large enough to reciprocate by alternating hosting but she could offer to occasionally pay for them a meal out at Xmas or to contribute. Its about entitlement.

Keep back half the leftovers to pay for the gas to cook it. Give her a taste of her own medicine.

I'd buy another one. And make sure she only takes her leftovers home not anything from the rest of the meal.

Stuff yourselves, feed the dog, make a stack of turkey sandwiches for later, hide a tupperware of turkey until she's gone etc
Actually no, just cancel and buy your own turkey!

In my opinion if you invite someone regardless of how many years you have been doing it then it's up to you to provide ALL the food and drink, but it would be nice if they did bring maybe some wine or beers for everyone.

However, if she is this petty then just dont invite her and if invited out up with it this year but learn from it and don't invite her next year.

She should share the left over with you as you are hosted and FlL. I hate mean people.

My mum is like that since my dad died. She'd make him pay when he was alive, i mean for the odd meal for us. Since he's died not only does she never offer to buy a drink or contribute to the meal, she doesn't even bring a bag or a purse (and last time hadn't brought her reading glasses so had to use mine). She also very rarely says thank you. She gets collected, driven to the venue, fed and watered and then taken home. We have also had them for Christmas lunch for the last 15 years at least, never been given a single bottle of wine or chocolates for hosting them.. It's so normal now that I only remember when there are threads like this!

She has always treated me like her partner emotionally as she hated my dad, she's now doing it financially I think.

I've got Power of Attorney for my mum-at my insistence because a friend went through traumas trying to sort her dad's affairs when he got dementia. I have a card for her current account so when we're out (rare, I'm hours away) she pays! I tell her, obviously. Meanwhile, she makes me send cards for people's birtthdays/Christmas via Moonpig on my card. I'm tempted to start refusing! It's £4 a pop, minimum. She just can't be arsed to go to the post office (it's Australia) to send cards. She's mean.

She sounds well weird.
I'd send her home with the leftovers but buy another for your own enjoyment.

We have had in laws for Christmas for almost every one in last 20 years. They only ever bring 2 bottles of wine. In early years they complained that they never had left overs for Boxing Day and took some meat home. Never once offered to bring anything other than the wine they (mostly) drank.

Hell yeah 😎

Wow... what a mean bitch. Let this be her last free festive lunch. Don't invite again

If it’s a expensive breed such as a Bronze which could cost £70 or even more she may want to take some leftovers home but she should share it with the host and the family

As a one off - but not the year on year challenge, that means inviting her back.