Christmas lunch - guests, contributions and leftovers

[HardonCollider]

I can’t decide who IBU here so please help.

There’s a small number of us for Christmas lunch, we’re hosting. SIL (single, no children) has bought the turkey crown under duress. For completeness, we host every year for her and PIL (for the last 10 or so years) and haven’t previously asked for anything. Nothing has ever been offered either, no drinks brought round as a thank you. Now SIL is saying she will take all of the turkey leftovers!

I can’t decide if that’s fine as she’s paid for it or if she’s being a CF as she’s getting the whole Christmas dinner prepared (she won’t lift a finger while she’s here, never does).

So who IBU - me for expecting the leftovers to be left, or her for taking them all?!

Pretty petty of her. You’re on a high protein diet this year though, right? I’d stack your plate with that turkey and eat everything else for leftovers on Boxing Day.

Maybe you should just come right out with it OP (not on Xmas Day) but the next time she's boasting about how well off she is... "really? I thought you must be really hard up but putting a brave face on it. Because for the last decade we've been hosting you and you've never once contributed until this year and then you demanded the left overs."

However, its probably easier to think it than say that in real life I know.

Put most of the leftovers in the fridge at the back covered with foil and put other stuff Infront, then send her home with three slices and any bones for a soup.

Is a turkey crown big? If not, I bet she brings a tiny one.

Surely it shouldn't be necessary to spell out how to be a good guest! I wonder if she is as mean when invited for meals by other people, not family, or does she take wine, flowers, chocolates or whatever. Some people treat family very differently, usually worse, familiarity breeds contempt.

We (DH, me, two sons) are going to my parents' place, as we always do. My parents pay for all the Christmas dinner and so forth, and would be offended if we offered cash. So we are taking red wine (and told everyone this so that nobody else buys the same) that we've been given as presents, the nicest ones we've received, and some nice smoked salmon, crackers and posh cheeses for general non-actual-Christmas-dinner eating. My other siblings have all chipped in with (1) bringing pre-dinner champagne (2) buying and cooking a large Boxing Day ham and (3) digging up all the vegetables for Christmas dinner * and the days afterwards. Because as an adult, surely, you don't rock up even to family for a week empty handed and just drink and eat everything in sight?

I mean * literally, as the root vegetables, leeks and sprouts are all in the garden

I can’t say too much for fear this will be outing to my family on here, but I once hid a not insignificant amount of leftovers from a party in my car to avoid a family member taking them home after they had announced their intention - so I am a hundred percent on the side of plan piled high/turkey curry/feed the dog!

I would make a huge, long PA toast to SIL, and her generosity.
After the meal, I'd scrape each plate into a bin liner for her.

I think it's a bit odd to ask your SIL to bring the Turkey, it's the main part of the lunch. I think it's poor she has never brought anything over but she might still on one level feel she is covered by the parents' contribution. You mention she is single and has no commitments and a large disposable income; that's quite an assumption to be honest, people's finances can be very complex for all you know she might be saying tons because she only has herself to rely on financially, either way it's not really relevant.

I would get my (stereotypical MN rail-thin and hollow legged) adult children onside and make sure that not only was every molecule of turkey gobbled up (see what I did there) but there was a stream of pass-agg disappointed comments about how small the turkey crown was. "Fine for a normal Sunday lunch, but you push the boat out at Christmas, don't you", and "if I'd known we'd be short on the protein I'd have done more pigs in blankets, what a shame". Loads of fun.

pop the turkey crown back in the oven on high after you have dished up...

dry like leather

This. Life is short, why invite such a kill-joy around?

I would be SO petty. I would carve up the turkey in the kitchen before bringing it to the table and siphon off a decent portion for yourself. Wrap it up and hide it (somewhere she can’t find it) and play completely dumb at the end if she queries where it’s all gone!

Are you under obligation to invite her every year??

Its threads like this that tell me how truly blessed I am.

I cannot imagine having to find the stomach to share Christmas day with people like your inlaws.

None of my friends do either.
They simply wouldn't tolerate it.

I would tell your husband to tell her where to put that turkey and that she was no longer welcome.

"Oh the dinner was lovely, but I could have done with a bit more turkey, maybe you could bring a larger crown next year SIL."

For 10 years SIL has been invited to your house for Christmas dinner. This year you have decided that because she is single, childless and earns more money than anyone else, she is providing the turkey (does under duress mean she had no choice?).

I can why she wants to take the remains home. We don't charge our guests for Christmas dinner, we invite them because I prefer to have Christmas at our house and I enjoy cooking the meal.

If you've had enough, why not tell them that and suggest that next year PIL or SIL take a turn at hosting.

She’s unreasonable and tight as hell. I go to a relatives most years and provide dessert and whatever I want to drink. I also take alcohol and a restaurant voucher as a present for the hosts.

If you’ve got a dog say they ate it

If you are requiring attendees to contribute, then you aren't "hosting."

And thus have no special authority or privilege.

You are "organizing" a communal meal with contributions from multiple people. As long as each contributor is providing enough for all to eat their fill at the actual meal, they are fine to take the excess home with them.

Anyone who doesn't like the work involved in being a host or organizer shouldn't host or organize. My toes literally curl at the notion of dunning someone who has been an invited guest to my home. Let alone begrudge them "10 years" of hospitality. Ugh.

Let me guess, you're either the SIL, or you possess similar scrooge-like tendencies when visiting? When you go to somebodys house etiquette is to bring something. It sounds like SIL hasn't brought so much as a bottle of wine every year, so has had to be hinted at to contribute, after a decade of coming empty handed. It sort of sounds like people are contributing and SIL didn't get the memo, and has to be asked, and them begrudgingly agreed.

Exactly.

Eyeballing a prospective guest's income and deciding that they have to spend money in order to be welcome in one's home is just so beyond crass and ungracious.

If one can't host without begrudging every morsel a guest eats, stop hosting. Don't make guests show up with merchandise.

Actually, traditional etiquette is to send flowers, candy or some other gift AFTER one has been entertained at a dinner party. Along with a note expressing thanks for the hospitality.

No guest is ever required to show up with merchandise, to be etiquettely correct. Let alone assigned to provide the main part of the meal. It's just so, so crass.

Yes exactly.

Shudder.

We aren't in the 1950s. 🙄 Just bring a bottle ffs... SIL sounds mean, it is rude, and she clearly isn't sending your OTT thank you gifts either is she?