To think you can't go over the top at Christmas in these circumstances

[starlymarly]

Some context first, DH and I have one DD, she's now 22 but when she was 18 she entered into a relationship with a man who was 16 years older we were not happy about this, she was on her gap year, she was a bright girl, AAAB at a-level, a place at uni waiting for her. It was the Covid year so she decided to wait and go to uni the next year and spend the year working.
Anyway she met this man, 16 years older. The relationship spiralled very quickly and within a couple of months DD was pregnant and insisting she would be keeping the baby and moving in with him. Soon after that she was going to be moving back to his home country with him which she did not long after our DGD was born.
We were walking a tightrope, we were devastated this is what our DDs life had become but equally keen not to be too loud as she was pushing us away more and more.
For the last 2 and a half years the relationship with our DD was nothing more than some text messages, pictures and a FaceTime once every 3/4 months. We'd make plans to visit, book flights and then something would come up and she couldn't possibly see us. It was heartbreaking and we knew something wasn't right but there wasn't much we could do. She always refused to give us an exact address of where she was staying and I knew if we pushed too hard she'd shut us off completely.
Anyway fast forward to last month. DD called me sobbing saying she was in a hotel with DGD and he'd booked flights back to the uk for her for not the next day but the day after that. He had been cheating and the relationship had been very abusive, this was the first time DD had said it out loud to us. He then basically told her he wanted her gone and not to see her again. He let her bring sentimental things (DGDs first shoes or picture albums etc.) and some clothes, but no toys and not enough clothes for anyone to live in.

We borrowed a car seat and picked DD and DGD up from the airport. This was all about 4 weeks ago now. We are in a position to help DD, we have a small 2 bed rental and the last tenants had just moved out, so we are redecorating it for DD now. We have gotten her therapy, DGD enrolled in nursery at a lovely local prep school and a place offered for reception next year which we will fund and we are helping DD with reapplying to uni.

Now the issue, between DD and I we have gone wild on DGD Christmas. She has more or less nothing here. We picked up some small bits which she plays with now but no big toys. I don't want to count how much I've spent as it must be crazy.
We've got a bike and scooter, dolls house and all the accessories, play kitchen and play food, baby doll, with pram/highchair etc. My sister who lives in America is bringing her an American Girl Doll over as a gift from her. We've bought Lottie Dolls and Disney Princess dolls, dressing up clothes, books, so many books and then little things like playdoh, puzzles and magnetic play sets.

DH thinks we've way over done it, left nothing for her to get in the future and set an expectation that Christmas will always be like this. I think in the awful circumstances and the fact she has nothing at all really means we can't over do it this year.
Obviously it will be a lot to open so we are just going to put the play food in the kitchen or the furniture in the dolls house so it's one item rather than 5/6.

But AIBU to say we can't over do it this year? Her birthday isn't for months so it makes more sense to ensure she has lots of toys to play with now.

I agree and I know for the majority it doesn't end up like this, I know lots of parents who have done the same as but their children haven't become as vulnerable as DD did.

It was other things to, some bad luck, some of DDs personality but it would be naive to suggest it didn't play a role.

Flip it! It’s been a crap time for you all. Delighted you have your daughter back. I wouldn’t make her open it all. Maybe stage the room as someone else said

Set her room up with some of it, give some for Christmas and keep some back.
Is DH always a PITA like this?

Glad someone found the real focus of the thread. Sounds like coercive control to me.

OP, you're really kind; but I agree that it might all be too much for her to take in on one day. Why not spread it out over a year - that way you get to create an excellent "year of memories" rather than cramming it in to one day. I think the total happiness will be more that way (if that makes sense).

I think it's far too overwhelming for a 3 year old but it sounds like you are adamant to do this. Just don't have any expectations that she will play with them or even open all of them on the day, she may not be able to. It's a little bit like putting one of those 8000 calories breakfast infront of someone and expect them to eat it. It's just too much. I really don't think it's in the little girls best interest when she has had such a turbulent few weeks, I think all of this is mainly to please you and your daughter. You both seem to treat shopping as therapy.

I felt a bit uneasy about OP's comments along the line of her daughter potentially being susceptible to another abusive relationship as an explanation for why they're still, ultimately, financially controlling her.

@Bumblebeestiltskin

Genuinely interested to know, what do you suggest we do instead?

Way too much. I understand your reason for wanting to spoil your dgd BUT spoil her with your time and presence rather than copious gifts. Do it in stages, and I speak as a parent to young twins, it’s better to give gifts during the year as rewards rather than risk creating entitled demeaning children.

Glad someone found the real focus of the thread. Sounds like coercive control to me. Where’s the control?

And I think that spreading the gifts out over a year has the potential to cause far more problems because she’ll come to expect a present every time she sees the OP, or does something good, or on a random Sunday afternoon. That’s not sustainable and is going to come as a nasty surprise for her when the ‘year of memories’ stops. It also has the potential to turn her into a bit of a spoiled brat.

If you're going to be financially supporting her, which is absolutely your right, why not put money into an account you DON'T have access to?

She's an adult, and a parent, she's not child. Let her live her life, deal with her own finances (even of it's money you gave her), have relationships with who she wants to,and make her own mistakes. Without having to worry about what mummy and daddy are going to think when they access her bank account or look at their credit card statements.

This is DDs take not mine but DD doesn't want to do this as she doesn't want DGD to expect toys all year. She said that she wants to be firm on toys at Christmas and birthday, maybe a treat on a day out but not just any random day.
Obviously DD gets to make the call on that one.

Does anyone bother to read the thread??? The child turned up less than a month ago with nothing. No toys. Barely any clothes. She needs everything.

@Bumblebeestiltskin

You've misunderstood, she has money in an account we have no access to.
She is also the named user on our credit card.

It's one thing having a few thousand in an account vs 6 figures.

The comment on coercive control was a joke about mumsnet tendency to view any dispute with a man into something really serious which is worth leaving over. @Daisybuttercup12345 saying "Is DH always a PITA like this?" is an attempt to turn the thread in that direction.

Yes, but getting everything at once will be too much! What she needs is safety, comfort, love, stability and time to adjust and settle.

I’m torn, I get why you have gone a little bit overboard but can you afford to support DD and DGC for a long time (private schooling, housing them) as that’s quite a commitment? If not I would perhaps lower expectations.

I think we all get that and we all think that she should have clothes and toys like any other 3 year old. What people is against is giving a, probably traumatised, 3 year old a mountain of presents on Christmas as it will simply be too much for her to process or appreciate. She can still have clothes and toys, they just don't have to be wrapped and given in that manner.

I'd have done the exact same thing!

Hold some back for her birthday if you want, or don't- who cares! Let her enjoy it, you can obviously afford it.

Next year you can explain "Santa knows you already have lots of toys now, so you don't need as many" although it's highly likely that she won't remember what she got anyway to compare.

Ah, I misunderstood. Apologies! 🙂

@Bumblebeestiltskin

I'm also going to assume you have very little experience in dealing with vulnerable adults and I wasn't going to divulge the severity of the situation. So this may be triggering.

However - My DD is just 4 weeks out of a relationship where she wasn't allowed to go out with her child alone, if she dared to he would beat her - she has shown me pictures she took. He would often times do this in front of their own child. He fully regulated her phone, she had no access to money. He bought everything.

Taking that and then saying here's £100,000 and a house good luck - that's a recipe for disaster. What about when some other abusive twat gets a whiff of the idea that she has money and she's vulnerable and she's healing. This man abused her but she still loved him and she's cried to me about how it's hard going to sleep alone after years of him being there.

She was brainwashed and manipulated.

Sorry but no she's not just another 22 year old. Having no boundaries let to this situation in the first place and over my dead body will I lose my daughter and granddaughter to another piece of abusive filth.

She has plenty of money that only she can access. She can also use the credit card.
This gives her financial freedom while protecting her from the filthy greedy men who only wish to take advantage of sweet loving young women who are so desperate to be loved that they will take years of abuse to make it happen.

She really needs to develop herself and become independent as she hasn’t really had that time. Hopefully the therapy will help with that.

I agree with just setting some stuff up and not wrapping it so she’s not overwhelmed. I’m talking about posters giving the OP a quick scan read and saying that too many gifts will make her spoilt or entitled.

This child has come from a home where she presumably had her own bedroom with plenty of toys and clothes. That is her normal.

This gives her financial freedom while protecting her from the filthy greedy men who only wish to take advantage of sweet loving young women who are so desperate to be loved that they will take years of abuse to make it happen.

why is she so desperate for love that she will take scraps? It can’t be because you didn’t attend school plays.

This.

I'm team husband here.