To think you can't go over the top at Christmas in these circumstances

[starlymarly]

Some context first, DH and I have one DD, she's now 22 but when she was 18 she entered into a relationship with a man who was 16 years older we were not happy about this, she was on her gap year, she was a bright girl, AAAB at a-level, a place at uni waiting for her. It was the Covid year so she decided to wait and go to uni the next year and spend the year working.
Anyway she met this man, 16 years older. The relationship spiralled very quickly and within a couple of months DD was pregnant and insisting she would be keeping the baby and moving in with him. Soon after that she was going to be moving back to his home country with him which she did not long after our DGD was born.
We were walking a tightrope, we were devastated this is what our DDs life had become but equally keen not to be too loud as she was pushing us away more and more.
For the last 2 and a half years the relationship with our DD was nothing more than some text messages, pictures and a FaceTime once every 3/4 months. We'd make plans to visit, book flights and then something would come up and she couldn't possibly see us. It was heartbreaking and we knew something wasn't right but there wasn't much we could do. She always refused to give us an exact address of where she was staying and I knew if we pushed too hard she'd shut us off completely.
Anyway fast forward to last month. DD called me sobbing saying she was in a hotel with DGD and he'd booked flights back to the uk for her for not the next day but the day after that. He had been cheating and the relationship had been very abusive, this was the first time DD had said it out loud to us. He then basically told her he wanted her gone and not to see her again. He let her bring sentimental things (DGDs first shoes or picture albums etc.) and some clothes, but no toys and not enough clothes for anyone to live in.

We borrowed a car seat and picked DD and DGD up from the airport. This was all about 4 weeks ago now. We are in a position to help DD, we have a small 2 bed rental and the last tenants had just moved out, so we are redecorating it for DD now. We have gotten her therapy, DGD enrolled in nursery at a lovely local prep school and a place offered for reception next year which we will fund and we are helping DD with reapplying to uni.

Now the issue, between DD and I we have gone wild on DGD Christmas. She has more or less nothing here. We picked up some small bits which she plays with now but no big toys. I don't want to count how much I've spent as it must be crazy.
We've got a bike and scooter, dolls house and all the accessories, play kitchen and play food, baby doll, with pram/highchair etc. My sister who lives in America is bringing her an American Girl Doll over as a gift from her. We've bought Lottie Dolls and Disney Princess dolls, dressing up clothes, books, so many books and then little things like playdoh, puzzles and magnetic play sets.

DH thinks we've way over done it, left nothing for her to get in the future and set an expectation that Christmas will always be like this. I think in the awful circumstances and the fact she has nothing at all really means we can't over do it this year.
Obviously it will be a lot to open so we are just going to put the play food in the kitchen or the furniture in the dolls house so it's one item rather than 5/6.

But AIBU to say we can't over do it this year? Her birthday isn't for months so it makes more sense to ensure she has lots of toys to play with now.

DD is very grateful and in all honesty we weren't always the best parents. We've really had to reflect about how at least partially our parenting pushed her into the arms of such a horrible, abusive man.

This situation seems as if you are blaming yourself rather than accept your dd made these choices, you have to let your dd take responsibility for her own mistakes in life. If you keep taking on the blame that isn't healthy, therapy won't change the outcome.

In some ways looking from the outside, its as if your dd has swapped a controlling abusive relationship for an overpowering controlling relationship. Whereas you think you need to fix everything (even to the extent of blame your own parenting) and have money to throw at it - thats not the answer.

Allow your dd to stand on her own two feet, in the long run it will give her a much better future.

Gift all the toys, xmas can be different next year and for so many years you are making up the shortfall. Enjoy the time and seeing the reaction.

Just remember to allow your daughter to fix her own life and not overstep the mark by fixing her life and taking away her ability to be responsible

thats my opinion from the posts you've written

It does sound like a ridiculous amount, and she probably won’t even bother with half of it.

In this case yanbu aslong as you haven't put yourself in debt over it. Ifs nice for dd and dgd. Have a lovely Christmas with your family op.

Tell her the story of the Three Kings / Three Wise Men and save some presents for Twelfth Night. Tell her they’re coming this year only to welcome her home as they did with Baby Jesus

This is a good point, but with every purchase we've considered where it will live in the new house (such as the kitchen has space at the end for a table and room for the play kitchen, dolls house will live under the window, dolls pram can live in the shed when not being used then come out when she wants it). We've just finished DGD new bedroom and fitted two wardrobes, one has a low rail and some shelves which will be perfect to hang costumes and to sit a basket on to throw other costumes in etc.

YANBU to buy lots of lovely goodies but as someone whose DS had a birthday on the 23 December I can say that it is possible to overwhelm a child with too much at once.

I really wouldn't give all the toys in one go, space it out a bit and you will see the LO enjoy opening every one of them.

I'm so glad you have your DD and DGD back with you.

Thank God your daughter managed to escape. So many wives in her position have no access to money or their passports to do the same

I've just had a quick read of OP's responses. I find something claustrophobic about them and can't help wondering if DD has fled one controlling relationship and is now in another. She's living in a flat you own, she's entirely dependent on money from you and it sounds as if you're in charge of her life, OP. She'll have to please you and stay on your good side, otherwise she could end up being dumped again. Clearly she jumped at this horrible man as a way of getting away from OP and her old life, now she's plunged back to where she started and her mother sounds as if she's smothering her. DD needs to find a home of her own and get a career and a separate, independent, life with some space toward things through. You can control people with things, and it sounds as if OP is focussing on things — mounds of plastic from the sound of it — to plaster over the cracks and make everything okay. I don't think this is likely to work for long. I wonder if this is what DD's DF can see and why he wants you to tone it down?

OP enjoy it.
I understand you’re trying to make up for lost time with your dd & dgd.

Think other posters are being bitter & jelous

Your DH is being practical

have a wonderful Christmas

Yeah I would say it’s fine- it’s your personal families business how much you spend and how many gifts she gets. You can do whatever you want! And it’s clear some were much needed gifts as she didn’t have anything. But it’s fine to buy what you want and can afford. If you think she’ll get overwhelmed then give it her in little bits after Christmas

Oh no we are fully aware that this isn't a situation where we are exclusively to blame. But it's really important we understand that 17/18 year olds don't enter abusive relationships for no reason. Our parenting, while we believed we were doing the right thing at the time absolutely contributed to it. As did Covid and being very suddenly isolated from her friends and school which provided her with security. Also she was 18 and this was a man who was initially treating her like a princess in both attention and money. It was a perfect storm and therapy is now underway for DD so she can work through the issues which left her so vulnerable.
However part of this is also us accepting that, DD was vulnerable, we were absent and this man was manipulative. All of those together caused this.

I think it’s lovely that you’ve got her all that stuff (it’s probably a similar amount to what a lot of other 3 year olds have accumulated over the past few Christmases/birthdays/random treats, so not wildly excessive given the circumstances).
However, I do agree with your DH and other people on the thread that it’s a lot to give her at once especially at Christmas when she’s likely to be a bit over-excited and overwhelmed anyway. My son is 2.5 and he’d struggle to open all that stuff and give it the attention it deserves.

The suggestion to just have some of it staged in her room is a good one. I’d probably just put the kitchen and bookcase full of books in there and not mention it (just allow her to explore it in her own time).

On the day I’d probably do one or two big presents each from you and your daughter and then a stocking of smaller bits from Santa.

If you want her to have the bike to ride to school then it could be something she’s given on her first day.

Other things can be gently filtered in as and when she needs it (e.g. you want to do a craft day, here’s a box of art stuff etc).

Although ultimately I’d leave it up to your daughter to decide when she wants to give your granddaughter the items you’ve chosen. If they’re going to be from her then she should pick whether they’re all given at once on Christmas Day or whether she’d prefer to spread them out.
I think it’s really important to avoid falling into the trap of you and your DH making decisions for her.
You’re providing a lot of practical and financial support which is wonderful and very kind, but after being in a controlling/abusive relationship it’s incredibly important for your daughter to have full agency and not feel obliged to make decisions based on your wishes because you’re paying. It sounds like you’re coming from a place of love and support, but ideally you and your DH shouldn’t be the ones thinking about when the gifts should be given because it’s a decision for her to make in the best interests of her child (obviously if you’re paying then you can set a budget etc). It’s an easy trap to inadvertently fall into because she’s probably used to other people making decisions for her and also doubting her own decision making abilities.

just go with it and enjoy yourselves. The baby won't remember. Thank goodness they are ok

God it sounds like it's been such an awful year for them both (and you too), completely understandable that you have wanted to go all out this year. If you're financially comfortable enough to do this I would just keep it as it is, spoil her a bit this Christmas as next year she won't remember and won't have any expectations. What a lovely support you have been to your daughter and granddaughter, they're very lucky to have you and I hope 2025 is a much better year for you all

She’s come out of ab abusive situation. Make sure you don’t go too far the other way and set her up to be a very spoiled and ungrateful little princess.

Its too much, kids that age get really easily overwhelmed, you would have to space it over weeks to not overwhelm her. Just save half of it for her Birthday, I totally understand why you have gone over the top but from experience I can tell you its not actually any fun when they have too much stuff to open.

I appreciate why it looks like this.

I promise we are taking a very considered approach and we should consider that you can't just jump into a career. DD is desperate to go to university and most students require some support from family to do that.
I've outlined the ways we are trying to give her financial independence while also protecting her from being vulnerable to abuse.
DD picked every toy, has decorated the house exactly as she wants (trust me there is more pink in that house than I'd have chosen!)
She has reconnected with old school friends and just yesterday met some for lunch.

It's not going to be her coming back and 4 weeks later she is fully independent, I don't think it's possible at all. We are following DDs lead.

Please be careful OP.as you are now doing exactly what her ex did by treating her like a princess with attention and money. I know you are nothing like him but by throwing money at her she is not learning to stand on her own two feet and it will be even more likely that she will be influenced by someone after you that throws money and attention her way. Your DD needs counselling and she needs to learn to be independent.

As a one off, after such awful circumstances I'm not sure we even could. She's very hesitant to buy anything, her whole focus is her DD and applying to uni.

I can understand why you have done this. I have no problem with what you have done although knowing young children, I am with everyone who says they can get overwhelmed

I would stagger the gifts over the holidays and put some in the new house as a welcome present

Put out some of the presents, ones she will realistically play with, a colouring book, jigsaw type things and maybe a couple of outfits/pyjamas then keep a small pile for Boxing Day and New Years Eve and New Year’s Day. You can always “find” some presents that Father Christmas has put in silly places if she needs more at any time

From someone who was in a similar position to your daughter, thank you OP. Parents like you are what gives some of us the security and confidence to leave and stay away from abusive, controlling relationships. My parents did similar to you and it has made our bond stronger than ever. I found my feet and my confidence while my parents supported me financially and emotionally and spoilt my child rotten while I healed. Fast forward a few years and I’d studied, earned a decent salary, met a wonderful man and created my own safe home. All because my parents supported and helped me, even after I’d been horrible to them.
Enjoy your Christmas with your reunited family OP, may it be one of many happy ones for you all.

Maybe it’s your expectations your DH wants to moderate? Ie you’ve gone wild and supporting your DD is going to be a large ongoing expense by the sound of it, so no need to go too crazy on the frippery. I’d say it’s a one off, the lost rent, school and other stuff you’re helping with is massive.

also want to say I think you’re both fab parents and grandparents for stepping up after way your daughter treated you for years

I can see you have had many replies @starlymarly and I probably haven’t got much useful to add. I just wanted to say as some PP’s have said that you and your husband have done an amazing thing for your daughter and granddaughter. It’s so heartwarming to read that you have both been so supportive and loving to your daughter that you thought had gone forever. I am also in the spoil them rotten camp. They and you totally deserve it.
My DS had very little growing up as I was a skint single parent. I remember the Christmas he was 3. All wanted was a little cleaning set from Wilkinsons a child’s one with a little sweeping brush and mop and duster. He was over the moon with it. When I had more money damn right I ‘spoiled’ him with lots of presents and he was over the moon with those and never ‘overwhelmed’ Guess what? He’s turned into a lovely man who works hard and is not some sort of spoiled monster. Have a wonderful Christmas OP.

I would definitely take some stuff back and just buy it when needed.

This amount is not only very overwhelming but your DD thinks that this is the way to show affection/love.

She was swept off her feet by a man doing the same thing and then he became abusive and she was trapped.
Chances are he probably carried on buying her things through the abuse too.

You don’t want her thinking this is the way to show love because it’s not and DGD will grow up thinking the same but she may not be so lucky to have parents who can financially bail her out like you’ve done.

I get wanting to spoil the DGD but I think in this situation I would encourage DD to focus on actions and traditions, rather than buying her love/forgiveness.

I think people are getting confused on what soiling really looks like.

DD and DGD arrived with one suitcase, it had some - very much not seasonally suitable clothes and then sentimental items which while I'm glad DD has them aren't actually useful.

Buying her clothes, DGD toys etc isn't spoiling is it? Maybe too many toys sure but for the most part these are just things people need and she didn't have. If we didn't provide her with the money to buy clothes, she wouldn't have any. If we didn't provide her with a home then she'd be in temporary accomodation which considering we are in London could be miles away, and then when in maybe a year or 2 when she'd get offered a home it could be again anywhere.

We feel like we are rebuilding the foundations that most teens would have provided for them while still children but were destroyed by an abusive relationship for her to build her own independence on. It can't happen overnight.