Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenage son unreasonable expectations

166 replies

FlakyPeachPanda · 21/12/2024 11:10

Eldest son is nearly 18 and does not choose to spend time with us and his 4 siblings ever. Has a gf who lives an hour away and would rather travel and play happy families with her brother, mum and dad. Even visits her nan with her. Works hard and has 1 day off over Christmas now college has broken up and that 1 day off he expected to go and spend with her family. I'm so upset he doesn't see a problem with it. They even invited him for Christmas day and he didn't understand why I was annoyed. 9 month relationship, we've never met gf or her family. I'm hurt. He just sees me as wanting to upset him and thinks I don't care about his feelings. I have to consider everyone's feelings as well as my own and Christmas is so important to us all as a family. Thoughts please?

OP posts:
MumChp · 21/12/2024 11:11

Leave him to it. He will grow up.

MintTwirl · 21/12/2024 11:14

Have you invited them to spend time at your house? I find it strange that you haven’t met her, do you know why that may be?
He is the age where his girlfriend is probably just as important to him and while I understand it’s hurtful to you I think it’s a part of growing up.

Bumdrops · 21/12/2024 11:15

Sounds like he is right, you don’t care about his feelings ?

Seeline · 21/12/2024 11:16

Did you invite the GF to your place?

Onlycoffee · 21/12/2024 11:18

He's choosing to spend time with his girlfriend which is completely normal, and you're twisting it into "play happy families"?

wizzywig · 21/12/2024 11:19

Ah enjoy the peace!

iamnotalemon · 21/12/2024 11:20

I'm sorry this is upsetting for you but he is 18. Let him live his life.

WaitingforStrike · 21/12/2024 11:20

It's madness that you've never met her. Engineer this. Some kind of activity you can drive them to, for example. You need to get to know her.

WaitingforStrike · 21/12/2024 11:20

iamnotalemon · 21/12/2024 11:20

I'm sorry this is upsetting for you but he is 18. Let him live his life.

He's 17?

BilboBlaggin · 21/12/2024 11:21

Sounds like quite a busy household if you have 5 kids. Maybe he finds it calmer and quieter at his GF place? Does he have his own private space/bedroom at yours?

Either way, he's almost 18 and at this age he's wanting to do his own thing. You need to cut the apron strings and let him live his life. You can't expect him and the whole family to be together every Christmas once they're older.

DaringLion · 21/12/2024 11:22

He’s young and in love

Guavafish1 · 21/12/2024 11:23

I think that’s just life

HocusFord · 21/12/2024 11:23

I think it’s hard to go through but really normal that an 18 year old wants to spend his one day off over Christmas with his girlfriend.

Have they been invited to yours? If not then try and arrange something. If they’ve been invited but have refused, have an adult discussion with your son and let him know it would mean a lot to you to meet her, and ask what you can do to facilitate that.

Don’t give him a hard time about not being around much this Christmas. He has very limited time and it’s a very natural part of teens growing up and transitioning into adulthood that they pull away from their own families in favour of friends and romantic partners. He will come back! Make sure he knows he’s always welcome but otherwise accept that it’s just part of the process.

Edingril · 21/12/2024 11:23

So you have dictated what other people think is important?

BibbityBobbityToo · 21/12/2024 11:23

He kind of sounds more mature than you, especially the 'playing happy families' part.

Let him spread his wings, invite the GF over, invite her parents round for a dinner party. Stop smothering him.

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/12/2024 11:25

He’s young and in love. It does actually sound like he’s right and you don’t care about his feelings. Your thread is all about you. Pick your battles and leave this one alone or you will drive him further away.

KitsyWitsy · 21/12/2024 11:26

He’s not as into the busy, noisy Christmas with loads of kids as you are. He’s practically an adult so you’ll jsut have to respect his decision.

shiningstar2 · 21/12/2024 11:28

It's a difficult stage in life for both parents and the young adults who used to be our 'children' . Of course they will always be our children but they begin taking natural steps into adulthood and independence at this stage in life. Some do it gradual, for some it happens in a more sudden way, especially if there is a girlfriend/boyfriend involved.
It's something, one way or another most of us begun around this age but it's hardest for the eldest in a family and also for you as parents as you see the start of changes in your own family unit. You are invested in having him as he's always been, at the heart of your family. He is invested in the natural process of growing up and growing away a bit. It will be easier for you and his other siblings when their turn comes because he has paved the way.
If he is being welcomed at girlfriend's place and getting agro at home he will naturally gravitate there.
My advice ( for what it's worth) Try to be as pleasant as you can about his plans while letting him know he will be missed at home. You understand his changing priorities but you will miss him and will appreciate time with him. His girlfriend is welcome here Amy time and you are looking forward to meeting her. Once he's pulled away and established that he has some independence from the family unit he will come back to you again ... the boy is leaving but eventually, you will get the lovely young man in his place. It's hard I know, but the hormones are raging at 18 and even though this first girlfriend is probably not for ever and you may have to be in support at some stage if it all breaks up, at present the girlfriend and a welcome at her home will seem far more attractive than any agro at home. Good luck going forward. It will be ok 💐

LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 21/12/2024 11:31

The feelings you have for gf/bf at that age can be really intense and in all honesty, he currently does care more about her than his family right now. I’d honestly let him get on with it as the alternative is insisting he spend the day with you and, assuming that even works, him ruining the day because he wishes he was elsewhere.

Wells37 · 21/12/2024 11:31

Why haven't you met her after 9 months?

LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 21/12/2024 11:34

And other people make a good point: why haven’t you met the girlfriend yet? Not in an accusatory way but maybe you invite her over for dinner in the new year? Assuming you haven’t already tried to.

SavingTheBestTillLast · 21/12/2024 11:35

Difficult one
Be supportive obviously
However I think it’s important he is clear to his girlfriend his family are just as important as hers.
He seems like he only wants to please hers at the moment
Maybe a little give on her side too, if he wants her to know your family, would be a good thing

Invite her over for Christmas Day as well. Maybe after lunch if he’s eating at hers.

GogAndMagog · 21/12/2024 11:36

Two things can co exist - you are hurt because you don't see him and he's a teen living his life.

But you do just have to let him make his choices.

MumChp · 21/12/2024 11:38

WaitingforStrike · 21/12/2024 11:20

He's 17?

Show quote history

He is old enough to make his own desicions.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 21/12/2024 11:38

He's young, in love and thinking with his dick.

Leave him to it. Have an amazing Christmas day without him.

He'll realise how self centred he has been at some point and hopefully apologise.

Have you invited him and the girlfriend over?

Swipe left for the next trending thread