Teenage son unreasonable expectations

[FlakyPeachPanda]

Eldest son is nearly 18 and does not choose to spend time with us and his 4 siblings ever. Has a gf who lives an hour away and would rather travel and play happy families with her brother, mum and dad. Even visits her nan with her. Works hard and has 1 day off over Christmas now college has broken up and that 1 day off he expected to go and spend with her family. I'm so upset he doesn't see a problem with it. They even invited him for Christmas day and he didn't understand why I was annoyed. 9 month relationship, we've never met gf or her family. I'm hurt. He just sees me as wanting to upset him and thinks I don't care about his feelings. I have to consider everyone's feelings as well as my own and Christmas is so important to us all as a family. Thoughts please?

From their replies here I get the feeling they hold some deep resentment and bitterness towards 18 year olds being at home

We have no idea if he's paying anything, contributing to household chores when he is at home, helping out at hers, paying her family or anything but the PP has decided he is a freeloader who should be abandoned because he dares to want to be with his girlfriend and possibly be intimate

I was thinking it might be about the space to spend time alone

I completely agree.

OP says he works hard, goes to college and only has 1 day off.

She’s not said he does anything wrong apart from see his gf, which is completely normal and yet posters are acting like he’s the worst person in the world.

He lives at home so it’s not like they never see him.

But that's just your assumption
There's literally no proof she is being forced to go to hers.
If anything it looks like OP's DS is more comfortable at her house and has accepted an invite because that's where he spends his time anyway

That's your opinion my girls could never bring home a boyfriend and do all that business. It's about having boundaries and respect for your home. I have 4 children and it's run like a tight ship because I have a 9 year old to think about. I tell all my children don't bring shit to my door and when you leave do it properly. I tell all my children don't rely on no woman or man for food, money or roof.

He shouldn't treat his mother like that and if he doesn't like it and wants to be with the other family then he should leave. He doesn't want to share his time between his GF and his family it's all one way. Later on op will get a short sharp shock if she don't put her foot down now. My daughter had to move out to start her fuckery at 20 it's like dealing with a sulky teenager. They will always be your children but when they get to that age fuck em if they want to play about. The op ain't getting any younger and neither am I. Start making plans op for your future.

I take it you conceived them in the back of a car then...

Since wanting to be intimate with a partner is disrespectful of the home

Not to worry, sounds like your children will happily leave "properly" and want nothing more to do with you.

Your attitude is vile

Wow, you sound like an absolute fucking delight!

WTAF are you on about? Jesus wept...

My brother treated my mother like that all loyalty went the other way. Then again men do gi to the other side.

Sounds like you're pretty vile to your daughters and they'll all be glad to be rid of you and your complete disregard for them

I am doing well thank you.

My daughter is upset that I am not buying into her boyfriend or taking it seriously. What if it ends then what I would have bought into it. She has 1 and half years at university left that's all I care about.

In my partner's flat not my mother's house I have respect for my parents.

FFS
You support your daughter because you love her!
Yes, relationships break down. But that's WHY you shouldn't burn bridges with her. So she has someone to rely on if things go bad

Mother of the fucking year here everyone

But no respect for his flat obviously

Because daring to be intimate with someone is disrespectful

He's in love with her. It's very potent at that age. Try to include her in your family. And keeping including him even if he rejects it.

With mixed feelings, I voted YANBU. The bit where DS is unreasonable is not acknowledging the politeness of a choice of where to spend Xmas day, even if he chose the GF family. Also you not having met her is unusual after this amount of time - is there a clear reason for that? Maybe wouldn't expect to meet her family for a bit though. In terms of you wording it as 'happy families', that sticks out a bit to me. Surely we all want a happy family, I don't see why there is pretence in him being with them? It's tough but as an 18 year old male at one point, I would probably favour GF over own family if feeling committed/starstruck with GF. First partner is a special time for most people. I accept it's still hard for you and family though.

Yes.

I have a 9 year old to safeguard and she hasn't painted him in a good light but love is blind.

You can still look after your 9 year old whilst supporting your 20 year old... in fact, if you think she might be being abused then it's even more important to be there for her

Your older daughters having sex at home isn't going to harm your 9 year old unless they do it with her in the room or are very loud. How do you think parents managed with their kids?

You sound like a great parent 🙄

And I’m not sure if you even know what you’re disagreeing with.

You say it’s disrespectful to bring his gf back to OPs home which he’s never even done as OP has said she’s not met her before.

You sound slightly unhinged.

Perhaps reread what OP wrote and then ask yourself why you have such an issue with your kids being in a relationship or having sex.

I wouldn't do it I think it's gross having sex under your mother's nose in the same building. Even when me and my partner visited we never had sex in her house. I've had arguments about this many times on Mumsnet I will never change my mind. It was how I was brought up.

I can't tell my daughter what to do she won't listen she's an adult it's her choice. That's why as I was bringing them up I pushed education into my children because anything can happen. I won't be around forever and if they do fall on hard times they have their education to fall back on. I am happy she is continuing her education and the best thing to do is leave her alone and make mistakes. I've heard worse stories about other parents daughters my daughter is tame compared to what they have gone through.

Unless you literally invite your mother into the bedroom, it's not under her nose.

Frankly it sounds like you are perpetuating her poor parenting.

They don't have a pot to piss in and education is far more important than sex and having a bf/gf. Young people are so intense when they fall in love they forget about everyone else until later on and it's to late baby Jane arrives. Then the struggle begins and you hear people say it I wish I worked harder when I was younger and prioritised my future. I was speaking to an estate agent he said the only people buying houses in the south are professionals who are educated.

So if you and your partner lose your home and have to live with your mum for months/years, you wouldn’t have sex?

I completely understand not having sex if you’re staying as a guest in someone’s home, I actually agree with that.

But when you live there then it’s different.

I assume you lost your virginity at an older age or had a much older first boyfriend?