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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenage son unreasonable expectations

166 replies

FlakyPeachPanda · 21/12/2024 11:10

Eldest son is nearly 18 and does not choose to spend time with us and his 4 siblings ever. Has a gf who lives an hour away and would rather travel and play happy families with her brother, mum and dad. Even visits her nan with her. Works hard and has 1 day off over Christmas now college has broken up and that 1 day off he expected to go and spend with her family. I'm so upset he doesn't see a problem with it. They even invited him for Christmas day and he didn't understand why I was annoyed. 9 month relationship, we've never met gf or her family. I'm hurt. He just sees me as wanting to upset him and thinks I don't care about his feelings. I have to consider everyone's feelings as well as my own and Christmas is so important to us all as a family. Thoughts please?

OP posts:
ThatRareUmberJoker · 21/12/2024 13:46

Fireworknight · 21/12/2024 11:39

Is the gf controlling? Happened to a work colleague of mine. Her son got sucked into this other family, and she rarely saw him, until he realised what was happening.

or is it a case of the grass is greener…

The grass is never greener. He has to grow up and consider everyone. He ain't got a pot to piss in and he's dictating. He can go and live with her and her family when he turns 18 and lets see how long it lasts when people have to spend money to keep them happy and together.

ThatRareUmberJoker · 21/12/2024 13:56

My daughter is doing the exact same thing but this was over her getting a job. She did not want to leave her boyfriend to get a job. In the end we made the decision for her stay with him and get a job up where he is. She's 20 and I ain't carrying her if she ain't willing to pull her weight. I understand young love but when it comes to my pocket it's another story.

Querty123456 · 21/12/2024 13:59

I hate the phrase “playing happy families” - so patronising.

RoachFish · 21/12/2024 14:02

Querty123456 · 21/12/2024 13:59

I hate the phrase “playing happy families” - so patronising.

I know. They are just people who are happy to spend time together. There is nothing fake about it.

fantastiq · 21/12/2024 14:10

I do feel for you and I think other commentators are being too harsh.
He is acting a bit thoughtlessly towards you. If you have one day off over Christmas it's better to spend that with your family rather than somebody else's. They are only dating after all, not married.
It's probably down to immaturity. I would not have done that at his age though.

I would try and not let yourself get too upset by it as I don't think you can do much. The only proactive thing I would do is try to meet the girlfriend in the new year. Good luck and happy Christmas.

Barney16 · 21/12/2024 14:13

This will sound harsh but I don't know how else to put it, right now he does care more about his gf than anyone else. I think it's perfectly natural at his age, hurtful to you? Yes, but teenagers and young people often are so consumed by intense feelings that they don't factor anyone else in.

Petrasings · 21/12/2024 14:16

Invite her for dinner, make an effort to form a relationship with her and be happy for him. This is not about you, he is growing into a man.

Aspargar · 21/12/2024 14:34

The reaction is completely dramatic.

Of course an 18yr old wants to be with their GF. He’s been invited his GFs home and has accepted, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Instead of trying to value your time with him, for example having a nice family dinner on Xmas eve before he goes, the focus is on your thoughts and feelings.

Be happy for him. If he was at home on Xmas, he would probably just be miserable and on his phone, wanting to be with his GF. I suspect by your reaction there’s a reason why he wants to spend the day at his GFs and not at home.
In future, if you want him home for Xmas then invite his GF.

DragonFly98 · 21/12/2024 14:41

BilboBlaggin · 21/12/2024 11:21

Sounds like quite a busy household if you have 5 kids. Maybe he finds it calmer and quieter at his GF place? Does he have his own private space/bedroom at yours?

Either way, he's almost 18 and at this age he's wanting to do his own thing. You need to cut the apron strings and let him live his life. You can't expect him and the whole family to be together every Christmas once they're older.

Do it sound like they or are you just criticising the op’s family size? It’s perfectly possible to have more than 2 children and have a calm household.

Elizo · 21/12/2024 15:12

FlakyPeachPanda · 21/12/2024 11:10

Eldest son is nearly 18 and does not choose to spend time with us and his 4 siblings ever. Has a gf who lives an hour away and would rather travel and play happy families with her brother, mum and dad. Even visits her nan with her. Works hard and has 1 day off over Christmas now college has broken up and that 1 day off he expected to go and spend with her family. I'm so upset he doesn't see a problem with it. They even invited him for Christmas day and he didn't understand why I was annoyed. 9 month relationship, we've never met gf or her family. I'm hurt. He just sees me as wanting to upset him and thinks I don't care about his feelings. I have to consider everyone's feelings as well as my own and Christmas is so important to us all as a family. Thoughts please?

tricky but you just have to go with it. He's in love I guess and only has one day. At least you have a lot of others around. For me, single with DS I'll most likely need to smile and say of course this is fine one day.

Wonderi · 21/12/2024 15:30

YABU

He is independent from you and doesn’t owe you anything.

You say he works hard and so leave him be to figure this all out for himself.

You’ve not mentioned that he could be in a controlling relationship and so you must assume he is happy and that is all I ever want for my child.

ThatRareUmberJoker · 21/12/2024 15:41

Wonderi · 21/12/2024 15:30

YABU

He is independent from you and doesn’t owe you anything.

You say he works hard and so leave him be to figure this all out for himself.

You’ve not mentioned that he could be in a controlling relationship and so you must assume he is happy and that is all I ever want for my child.

you must assume he is happy and that is all I ever want for my child.

When it's free and given to him on a plate of course he's happy. He has his hotel to return back to and his GF bedroom to get freaky in while the mum and dad are downstairs.

ChristmasPostman · 21/12/2024 15:44

YABU
You decided to have a huge family, he didn’t get any say in it. Some people like the chaos and noise created by 5 children, many don’t. Sounds like he is in the latter group and prefers a more sedate and quieter Christmas Day with a smaller family, plus a serious gf is an important person at that age. Please don’t try and put the guilt on him for his choice, it’s hardly as if he’s an only child leaving you alone!

SnoopysHoose · 21/12/2024 15:46

9 months and you've never met her? is there a drip feed coming as to why he won't bring her home?

WomensRightsRenegade · 21/12/2024 15:48

WaitingforStrike · 21/12/2024 11:20

It's madness that you've never met her. Engineer this. Some kind of activity you can drive them to, for example. You need to get to know her.

It’s not madness at all. It’s a teen relationship of 9 months.

WomensRightsRenegade · 21/12/2024 15:51

Interesting that even as teenagers, so many women are so happy to let ‘boys be boys’ and absolve them of any responsibility to be considerate of others.

ssd · 21/12/2024 15:56

If he's always at his gf house i presume they will be feeding him a lot. So you should make sure he reciprocates. Nothing worse than being eaten out of house and home and never getting payback.

WaitingforStrike · 21/12/2024 15:56

WomensRightsRenegade · 21/12/2024 15:48

It’s not madness at all. It’s a teen relationship of 9 months.

Show quote history

I have a teen, who has had a girlfriend. It would be different if neither of them have been to each other's houses, but if your son is a regular visitor to her house surely you would want to have the chance to meet her, and her you.

strawberrysea · 21/12/2024 16:01

As he gets older Christmas will he important to him and the family he creates, too. It must really hurt that he's getting older and making his own decisions but maybe work on your feelings regarding this now before he gets married.

Tittat50 · 21/12/2024 16:03

Just leave him be. He's 18. He's old enough. You're putting your own needs too much onto him. It's ok to feel this way but just recognise it's your feelings and he needs freedom at 18.

He probably likes the space and quiet there.

Sharptonguedwoman · 21/12/2024 16:09

FlakyPeachPanda · 21/12/2024 11:10

Eldest son is nearly 18 and does not choose to spend time with us and his 4 siblings ever. Has a gf who lives an hour away and would rather travel and play happy families with her brother, mum and dad. Even visits her nan with her. Works hard and has 1 day off over Christmas now college has broken up and that 1 day off he expected to go and spend with her family. I'm so upset he doesn't see a problem with it. They even invited him for Christmas day and he didn't understand why I was annoyed. 9 month relationship, we've never met gf or her family. I'm hurt. He just sees me as wanting to upset him and thinks I don't care about his feelings. I have to consider everyone's feelings as well as my own and Christmas is so important to us all as a family. Thoughts please?

At that age or a little older, I preferred to spend time at boyfriend's house. No expectations from his family apart from a little kitchen help and no criticisms given or explanations demanded. Both expectations and criticisms were in plentiful supply at home. As others have said, it was more peaceful and therefore enjoyable.
Your boy will come home. He's stretching his wings.

RawBloomers · 21/12/2024 16:27

OP you say you have to consider everyone else’s feelings so I’m wondering - What are his feelings? When you’ve talked to him about his GF, what does he say about her? Why does he like her family?

Nine months and you haven’t met her. Do you know why? Why doesn’t he want to show off his family to her or to show her off to you? Or has he wanted to but feels he can’t for some reason?

Generally speaking, I agree with many other posters that it’s easy to have your head turned at that age. It may be just that he’s thinking with his dick, but I think it’s also possible he’s having his head turned by a lifestyle he isn’t used to. It may be worth seeing if your relationship with him could be stronger, and remind him of what he loves about your family. He may just need a bit of time or for you to be there if this relationship falls through (which it likely will at that age).

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 21/12/2024 16:41

Probably has to fight for attention with 4 siblings at home. Let him get a little attention at his GF's...

Wonderi · 21/12/2024 17:20

ThatRareUmberJoker · 21/12/2024 15:41

you must assume he is happy and that is all I ever want for my child.

When it's free and given to him on a plate of course he's happy. He has his hotel to return back to and his GF bedroom to get freaky in while the mum and dad are downstairs.

Show quote history

What an odd thing to say.

He’s 18 and lives with his parents.

Would you rather he didn’t have sex or move out of his home because he’s now got a girlfriend.

Jingleberryalltheway · 21/12/2024 17:23

Why haven’t you met her? Surely in 9 months you done some thing as family eg gone out for dinner for someone birthday or gone some where nice for the day and invited them both along.