Teenage son unreasonable expectations

[FlakyPeachPanda]

Eldest son is nearly 18 and does not choose to spend time with us and his 4 siblings ever. Has a gf who lives an hour away and would rather travel and play happy families with her brother, mum and dad. Even visits her nan with her. Works hard and has 1 day off over Christmas now college has broken up and that 1 day off he expected to go and spend with her family. I'm so upset he doesn't see a problem with it. They even invited him for Christmas day and he didn't understand why I was annoyed. 9 month relationship, we've never met gf or her family. I'm hurt. He just sees me as wanting to upset him and thinks I don't care about his feelings. I have to consider everyone's feelings as well as my own and Christmas is so important to us all as a family. Thoughts please?

YANBU. My DS1 is 19yo and has been with his girlfriend for 2 years. I'd be gutted if he chose to spend Christmas with her and her family rather than his own parents and siblings. She did invite him but he refused.

He sounds like a normal almost 18 year old to me.
Your feelings are not more important than his. From how you've described the situation I'd think he would want to stay with his girlfriend. "Happy families " is really uncalled for... be wary you may push him away if you're thinking this way.

It's normal for him to spend time there is he's made to feel welcome. It sounds like her family have opened up their lives and home warmly to him. It doesn't seem like you've made the same effort with his GF? Maybe if you invited her to the house?
They're a young couple. There's nothing wrong with what he's doing and he's lucky her family are seemingly so fond of him.

I can remember having similar feelings when my DD chose to spend time with her BF and his family rather than us. I'm sure my parents felt the same 45 years ago when I did the same!

Let it be. Dont make a big thing of it or you will drive him away.

Make sure he knows that his gf is always welcome at yours. The giddy infatuation with her and her family will pass and he will want the familiarity of home.

When young adults reach a certain age they choose where they want to spend xmas. My 21 year old was at his partners last year, my mums the year before that and his dads the year before that and has chose to spend xmas with us this year. My 25 year old is spending it here and previous years shes chose to spend it with her partner. I would never try and dictate where they choose to spend their time any other time especially xmas. I was the same when I reached 18. Didnt always want to be home for xmas etc.

Have you used the line 'do you remember you have a mother 'on him yet? This post sounds like my mum when I was younger. Awful attitude with the playing happy families line. I wonder why he prefers going to her house. Have you invited her over?
If anything parents are meant to encourage their almost young adults to become independent and spread their wings. He is doing so and making his own choices. Be happy he's happy. Christmas isnt just about you anymore. Your little boy is growing up. If you miss him, tell him that. It's understandable. The more you cling on, the more he will push away

It's a complicated one to vote on.

Naturally, a teenage boy wanting to spend time with his girlfriend is normal. Also, 17 year olds are rarely the most empathetic beings in the world.

However, it is odd you have not met/ have contact with her family. I would work to rectify that. Ask if you can have coffee with her parents? Invite her/ her family over. They are likely being welcoming, and unaware that he has a big family who miss him. Try not to play this as favourites/ choices. It will backfire.

It is also fine to feel a bit sad that he is choosing to spend time with someone else's parents and grandparents. I suspect he has not thought about that context and just wants to spend time with his girlfriend. Invite her round occasionally too.

Why have you never met his GF after 9 months?

The really odd bit is that he has a girlfriend of nine months, who is clearly very serious, and you haven't met her.

You need to properly invite her round to meet her. Have her round for dinner, or even meet at a restaurant. But just meet her

Have you even invited them? I got a message this morning saying how come you never come here for Christmas? I replied we haven't been invited since 2004.

I suspect he is finding your house chaotic with all the siblings and prefers being over there.

It’s odd that he introduced you at all as others have said.

DS18 spends most of his time at ours and his GF is with us a lot. She’s here all weekend and most holidays. I do wonder how her parents feel about that. DS does go to hers sometimes but nothing like the amount of time she spends here. I do think she likes being part of our family as well as spending time with DS. She’s experienced a lot with us, days out, meals out, holidays etc, her family don’t seem to do much of that stuff. They also have a bedroom with their own en-suite here on a separate floor to our bedrooms (but same floor as living room) where as at hers they only have one family bathroom and no shower (she lives in the shower at our house).

Or maybe she just WANTS to be there? Not everything has to be about using pressure and manipulation so children do what you want.

This is a really thoughtful, well-balanced post, I agree with all of it.

Take pride in his independence and the fact you have raised a young man who is clearly polite and pleasant enough to be around that he is being made so welcome in his girlfriend's family.

At this age it's pretty normal for parents to get the crumbs of their teen's attention. As long as he isn't being actually rude or disrespectful, try your best to be pleased for him and give him your blessing. It will make it much easier for him to come back to you once he has grown a little and learned to appreciate his old home again.

I remember being 17/18 and I didn't want a day to go by without my boyfriend.
He had an amazing family, so welcoming, warm and friendly, I loved being at his house.
At Christmas they would have me a pile of gifts, matching pj's, my favourite food, games etc. I would take my boyfriend to my house, he wouldn't even get a card, I would get a present then we would all sit and watch tele with not much to say to each other, the 2 homes were worlds apart. There wasn't anything particularly bad about my home and it is what I was used to but I had my eyes opened when I was welcomed to be part of their Christmas.

My parents were completely different, they weren't particularly bad parents but they didn't show a lot of interest, there was no family feel to our house.

Is this possibly what is happening with you? Have you welcomed his girlfriend? Is he close to you and his siblings? Do you have a nice family environment?

I'm sorry to hear this. It's very common though so try not to take it personally. The pull of a romantic/sexual relationship is incredibly strong for teens and your DS will be putting his GF and everything related to her front and centre. He simply has no head space for the rest of you at the moment. The good news is, it's usually 'at the moment'. The intensity will fade, and if you're a loving happy family, he will come back like a homing pigeon in time. Meanwhile, enjoy the family you have around you and let him do his thing. There's no point him being there in person if he'd rather be elsewhere just now. If you don't already, you could try inviting him plus GF to a family thing with you.

It’s thoughtless, but a common experience when it comes to boys and men who are inclined to dump their families in favour of their girlfriend or wife’s. In his case he’s young and self centred, but it’s a very common thing in much older men too.

Leave him to it. I had to do the traditions when living at home and bloody hated it, I found it all so boring. I’ve never had the same expectations of my daughter, it’s her life and she can choose if she comes for Xmas day, either way I’m not offended. If anything I relish a quiet day with my husband, we love it 😝

I had something similar. Between the ages of 17 and 21 DS spent virtually all his time at his girlfriend's house, including Christmas. He was asked if he was coming to ours ( his) home for Christmas. He would usually pop by,
However post 21 years to now ( He is 28) now, he is never away from us. We go out for walks, spend time at each other's house, go out for meals etc. They split up when he was 24 so the split wasn't the catalyst for him coming back to us, it was just growing up and him realising he has more in common with us than he realised.

They've got to go away to come back.
I know it is hurtful but keep the door open, make suggestions but don't critize and give it time.
Hopefully the wanderer will return!

As the song goes.... When you're young and in love.

He's a teenager in love - I remember my first Xmas home from university, where I had met my first proper boyfriend on day 1 of term and we'd been stuck to each other like glue all term (there were no mobiles, no internet and we didn't even have a landline at home in those days). I was in an absolute COMA of boredom stuck at home and pined for him (a year later he was getting on my tits like nobody's business but that's often how it is when you're a teenager).

OP, you'll survive without him.

Aged 16 my DS informed me he was spending Christmas with his GF and her family abroad! They had only been together 4/5 months but he was so in love. Obviously I let him go and put my own feelings aside. Sent him off with a big hug and presents for all her family.

It is weird you have never met her though. Why is that?

You’ve got to let them go at some point OP. How’s he going to learn about life otherwise? If you respect his choices now, it’s likely he’ll choose to spend time with you again in the future.

What a lovely post @shiningstar2.

I'm a mum to a 19yo DS in these exact circumstances and this brought a tear to my eye. Lovely words which express how I feel beautifully.

I am doing just as you say - letting him go, welcoming his girlfriend, encouraging him to live his young life to the full out in the big wide world, and also gently encouraging him to spend (a little!) time with his family too.

It warms my heart to see my boy growing up and being so happy. But I do understand OP. Lots of mixed emotions to manage. The ever-shifting sands of parenthood I guess!

Being 1 of 5 is a busy household. I suspect he prefers it at his gf as its less busy..I'd leave him to it.

On the face of it, that all sounds very odd. Have you asked him to invite her over for dinner so you can meet?

If he's refusing to bring her home to meet you, do you think there's something bothering him that he doesn't feel able to tell you?

My DH preferred us to spend time alone or with my family when we first met (at uni so only slightly older than your son). It was partly because his dad is a bit of a strange character and he was worried he'd embarrass him. Partly because he'd never been encouraged/allowed to have friends round so wasn't used to bringing his own guests home. And partly because he had younger siblings who wouldn't have given us much peace and meant we couldn't go out with friends in case we woke them up.

If you find out why he doesn't want to bring her over you can do something about it (FIL was heavily warned by MIL that he wasn't allowed to embarrass SIL when she first brought a partner home.).