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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Teenage son unreasonable expectations

166 replies

FlakyPeachPanda · 21/12/2024 11:10

Eldest son is nearly 18 and does not choose to spend time with us and his 4 siblings ever. Has a gf who lives an hour away and would rather travel and play happy families with her brother, mum and dad. Even visits her nan with her. Works hard and has 1 day off over Christmas now college has broken up and that 1 day off he expected to go and spend with her family. I'm so upset he doesn't see a problem with it. They even invited him for Christmas day and he didn't understand why I was annoyed. 9 month relationship, we've never met gf or her family. I'm hurt. He just sees me as wanting to upset him and thinks I don't care about his feelings. I have to consider everyone's feelings as well as my own and Christmas is so important to us all as a family. Thoughts please?

OP posts:
itsjustbiology · 21/12/2024 12:09

Op with all sincerity I see why you feel like you do but can't you remember those heady days of being that age and in love? I do and I am 53!! Its all consuming and selfish yes but he is living, having fun,growing into being a man and finding his own way.Don't try to control that please. Let him be, love him,respect him and keep the door open. Be interested in his life and what he is doing.It is not a battle and if it was you wouldn't win at this age. I would be happy he seems so happy and settled, and I say that as being a mum to a son, my son was the same at that age and moving on a few years we are closer than ever and its fabulous. Hang on in there, its all natural. Frustratingly natural! Bless you,do the above and you will never loose him ..

Lubilu02 · 21/12/2024 12:09

I imagine he finds spending time with all his siblings,with everyone's filters off, alot. I say this also having 5 children. I can appreciate he might want to see what a smaller Christmas looks like too.

You should be proud your son has grown into a hardworking, independent young man.

Tell him, if this what's makes him happy then youre happy for him. Then mention that you would really enjoy a couple of hours altogether at some point.

Silverfoxlady · 21/12/2024 12:10

Nc92982822 · 21/12/2024 12:03

The second I turned 18 I packed my stuff up and sodded off 500 miles away to live with the person I’d been with for 6 months. The excitement of my first ‘proper’ relationship and being able to go on nights out etc completely overtook my desire to spend time with younger siblings/parents.

Anyway… that was 10 years ago and I now hang out with my mum most weekends. It’s normal behaviour and it’ll pass.

I did this too - relationship lasted 4 years. Super intense, but came home after this.

Let him live his life. Young love is lovely.

WarmingClothesontheRadiator · 21/12/2024 12:10

WaitingforStrike · 21/12/2024 11:20

He's 17?

But remember this is MN and by 18 you are expected to have nothing more to do with your children or they you.

Scarydinosaurs · 21/12/2024 12:12

As he is one of five children, I would assume that actually getting away to another house might be a nice break for him.

If your house is noisy/busy, it could explain why he would rather go somewhere else.

EarthSight · 21/12/2024 12:12

Your lack of self-awareness is going to spell trouble for him and his future relationships, and you are going to end up as the sulking, pouting mother-in-law if you don't reflect.

Isn't it normal for teenagers to push away or be quite distant with their family as an important step of growing up and leaving the nest? I understand that it's hurtful at Christmas, and a painful process for mothers generally, but he's seeing spending Christmas with them as a type of novelty. He'll still be developing until his early or mid 20s, so you might have to wait some time for him to pass that phase.

If he senses that you are being passive aggressive, spiteful or sarcastic about this, about him growing up, asserting autonomy, developing relationships with women, be prepared that he will deliberately put you at arm's length when he's older for a very long time, possibly indefinitely.

Have you not paused to wonder why he hasn't introduced you to his girlfriend yet? It should be shyness, but I'm wondering if he's keeping you at arm's length because he doesn't want you to critisise her or start making little digs at her.

You should be proud your son has grown into a hardworking, independent young man

I agree with @Lubilu02

MyBirthdayMonth · 21/12/2024 12:13

Any 17-year-old would rather be with his girlfriend than four siblings!

EarthSight · 21/12/2024 12:14

WarmingClothesontheRadiator · 21/12/2024 12:10

But remember this is MN and by 18 you are expected to have nothing more to do with your children or they you.

Don't be daft.

CockerMum · 21/12/2024 12:16

He can do what he likes? What’s the problem?

MumonabikeE5 · 21/12/2024 12:16

Have you invited her daughter to enjoy time with you? Before this relationship did you and your son have fun together routinely?
I think I would be pretty devastated by this behaviour, but I’d be looking at myself and wondering where I went wrong (but that’s my response to most things)

RoachFish · 21/12/2024 12:19

Is there a reason why you haven’t met the girlfriend after this long? Do you have a close relationship with your son? Could he be embarrassed about any aspect of his home life? He doesn’t seem to want to be at home in general and I think I’d focus more on that than just Christmas day. Is he working so much at 17 so that he can save up and move out?

Hyperbowl · 21/12/2024 12:19

You sound incredibly jealous and manipulative by the language you use. He’s almost an adult and is moving on with his life as is the natural course. Get a grip of yourself. It’s not playing “happy families”, he’s living his life and you will alienate him if you can’t accept his decisions and be happy for him. You sound exactly how my ex MIL was with my SIL and her boyfriend. She no longer had contact with MIL in the end because instead of accepting her daughter’s decision she was jealous and constantly made nasty digs about him and his family. You don’t have to consider everyone’s feelings at all it’s not your decision to have to make considerations for. How bizarre.

asthecrowdwaschantingmore · 21/12/2024 12:21

I'd be hurt, too.

And for everyone who thinks he should be 'left to it', I imagine her family has made it clear they see her at Christmas at her age, and probably still being supported by family. But for some reason that's okay for her family but not his?

Nc92982822 · 21/12/2024 12:22

Silverfoxlady · 21/12/2024 12:10

I did this too - relationship lasted 4 years. Super intense, but came home after this.

Let him live his life. Young love is lovely.

Absolutely. Relationship lasted 2.5 years in my case, and was also very intense and fast moving before we ultimately realised we saw our lives being in different places. Now I’m older my approach to relationships is far more cautious but I’d do anything to go back to being that carefree and spontaneous! That age is such a fun chapter of life that you only get once. Let him enjoy it and make his own mistakes OP.

HeyPrestoVinegar · 21/12/2024 12:22

MyBirthdayMonth · Today 12:13
**
Any 17-year-old would rather be with his girlfriend than four siblings!

100%

Not sure why so many people think it's weird the girlfriend hasn't met OP. I rarely introduced my parent to blokes I was shagging as a young adult.

Your son has told you you don't care about his feelings. That's the problem. Him having a girlfriend is normal.

Gem359 · 21/12/2024 12:25

Do you not remember being 17? Of course he'd rather be with his GF than his mum, dad and siblings. He's working hard and only got one day off, be proud of him and happy for him. Don't be that mother who tries to guilt and manipulate her kids into spending time at home - I promise it will only push him away more.

RoachFish · 21/12/2024 12:28

HeyPrestoVinegar · 21/12/2024 12:22

MyBirthdayMonth · Today 12:13
**
Any 17-year-old would rather be with his girlfriend than four siblings!

100%

Not sure why so many people think it's weird the girlfriend hasn't met OP. I rarely introduced my parent to blokes I was shagging as a young adult.

Your son has told you you don't care about his feelings. That's the problem. Him having a girlfriend is normal.

Edited

I do think this is much more than a casual relationship. They are spending all their free time together, including Christmas, and her parents and wider family are very involved. That’s why it’s strange that the OP hasn’t even met her once.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 21/12/2024 12:30

Those of you saying that it's normal for 17 year olds to not be at home for Christmas....do any of you actually have older children?

It's not normal for me or any of my family or friends op.
Christmas day is with your immediate family and then Christmas night or boxing day is for going to your boy/ girlfriend's house or them coming to you.

Whoyoutakingto · 21/12/2024 12:35

You want to play happy families,I totally understand but as kids get older things change and the only way is to adapt or you will alienate them, mine are 21,22,31and 33. Been there before and they will always come back at some point.

SavingTheBestTillLast · 21/12/2024 12:37

Bigearringsbigsmile · 21/12/2024 12:30

Those of you saying that it's normal for 17 year olds to not be at home for Christmas....do any of you actually have older children?

It's not normal for me or any of my family or friends op.
Christmas day is with your immediate family and then Christmas night or boxing day is for going to your boy/ girlfriend's house or them coming to you.

I agree.
Mine are early twenties and despite girlfriends have always been home for Christmas Day.
Getting together with friends happens on other days, ( unless someone pops in for a swift mulled wine after mass )

TwinklyAmberOrca · 21/12/2024 12:37

Well DUH I was young once too, but it IS self-centred not to think about your family at all for Christmas.

It wouldn't hurt him to arrange to bring the GF over for a Christmas meal on another day, or do a Christmas breakfast then go to her house, or something else.

It reads from the OPs post that her son is going out of his way to spend lots of time with GF and her entire extended family, without a second thought to his own mother and siblings.

redskydarknight · 21/12/2024 12:38

Bigearringsbigsmile · 21/12/2024 12:30

Those of you saying that it's normal for 17 year olds to not be at home for Christmas....do any of you actually have older children?

It's not normal for me or any of my family or friends op.
Christmas day is with your immediate family and then Christmas night or boxing day is for going to your boy/ girlfriend's house or them coming to you.

I think it's usual for older teens to have Christmas dinner with girl/boy friend's family.
Particularly when they are as close as OP's DC seems to be.

I'd agree plenty of teens also doing it the way you describe. I think OP needs to genuinely look at why her teen is preferring to be elsewhere - yes it might be because he is loved up with the girlfriend, but it might also be because home isn't the environment he wants to be in.

YourGladSquid · 21/12/2024 12:40

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, it’s a big change, but it’s also not that big a deal.

Just leave him be and eventually he’ll come back around. I can imagine having 4 siblings can be very overwhelming too.

Waitingforspring81 · 21/12/2024 12:40

He is 18 I would let him be; it would be nice if he spend time with his family but I wouldn’t force him

noctu · 21/12/2024 12:42

When you invited her to your house for dinner (as I presume you will have naturally done by now), what was the response?

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