Teenage son unreasonable expectations

[FlakyPeachPanda]

Eldest son is nearly 18 and does not choose to spend time with us and his 4 siblings ever. Has a gf who lives an hour away and would rather travel and play happy families with her brother, mum and dad. Even visits her nan with her. Works hard and has 1 day off over Christmas now college has broken up and that 1 day off he expected to go and spend with her family. I'm so upset he doesn't see a problem with it. They even invited him for Christmas day and he didn't understand why I was annoyed. 9 month relationship, we've never met gf or her family. I'm hurt. He just sees me as wanting to upset him and thinks I don't care about his feelings. I have to consider everyone's feelings as well as my own and Christmas is so important to us all as a family. Thoughts please?

Is the gf controlling? Happened to a work colleague of mine. Her son got sucked into this other family, and she rarely saw him, until he realised what was happening.

or is it a case of the grass is greener…

I can't imagine how this situation has evolved. He is after all still a child.

He should show more consideration for your family.

What do you mean by 'play happy families'? It's hard to read the tone of this comment but it doesn't sound very nice.

This, it’s also quite a naturally selfish age. My parents gave out to me when I was a similar age & it just made me resent it more.
He’s young and in love, you have 4 other kids to spend Christmas with, you must be busy!

Focus on the 4 you have with you and you’ll have a lovely Christmas.

Maybe it’s a legitimately happy family and he’s just enjoying being with them?

I think it’s normal, especially with boys.

It's much more exciting to be with girlfriends family at that age.

The more you try and force him, to be at home, the more he'll push away.

It's a natural part of growing up.

I'd be hurt too OP. I feel for you 😞

Why haven't you met his girlfriend?

I'm not sure how this situation has come about, to be honest, it all sounds a bit odd.

Hes grown up, its what they are suppose to do.

Does it really matter. He might ditch her, she might ditch him. Let them play happy families. How this is even a tragedy worth discussing

Yeah, I have one exactly the same. Just wants to spend time with the girlfriend. I don't expect to see him over Xmas although I do know he will go to his dad's because he daren't say no to him. He doesn't seem to care what I think and feel. I just ignore it. Nod and smile. It'll pass eventually.

So does he live with the girlfriend and her family now? Is his job nearer to her house so it makes it easier for her?

If he does live with her full time, perhaps gently say that you'd like to see him some time over Christmas but understand he is busy.

If he doesn't live with her full time, then can't you organise a family get together when he is there?

Let him go are my thoughts.

well, almost 18 😂

Most parents would consider a 17 year old who goes to college and is so dedicated to working so hard that he only has 1 day off over Christmas as a dream child. Maybe you should be praising him.

With a work ethic like that at 17 in addition to holding down what is effectively a long distance relationship, he's probably going to be a very rich and successful family man in another 15 years.

There are plenty of kids that age who don't bother to get a job or turn up inconsistently for the one they do have, or are off god knows where drinking.

Invite both of them on Boxing Day and give them their presents then. Get her a few nice things.

Frame it as you'd prefer it if they could come over at some point on Christmas Day but if they don't want to, then they come Boxing Day.

..at whatever time he's off work and you'll work round that.

The second I turned 18 I packed my stuff up and sodded off 500 miles away to live with the person I’d been with for 6 months. The excitement of my first ‘proper’ relationship and being able to go on nights out etc completely overtook my desire to spend time with younger siblings/parents.

Anyway… that was 10 years ago and I now hang out with my mum most weekends. It’s normal behaviour and it’ll pass.

I'm very surprised you haven't even met the gf after 9 months. Make a specific day and ask them both for dinner, I had to do that and I couldn't stand the girl ( turned out to have massive MH issues) but I made the effort.

Op, without knowing your family, your lives, how you treat DS, what your home life is like, how you all treat each other, how tidy your home is etc etc etc, it’s impossible for us to give “our thoughts”

Sure, on the surface, with your one sided post, it sounds very sad for you that he chooses to be this way.
But he’s also almost an adult, and we don’t know his side of the story. There could be a million and one genuine, valid reasons why you’ve never met her and why he never chooses to be at home.

My DS and his GF for example, choose to always be at ours. Because they’re free to do as they please here, they’re both almost 19, they have privacy, we treat them like adults. Whereas at his GFs, there’s a million and one rules imposed, everything is regimented, they’re not made to feel particularly welcome. They’re a perfectly nice family, but my DS and his GF just don’t feel particularly comfortable there, they’re always on edge in case they get told off for making a mess, or using the wrong crockery 🤣 and they don’t get much privacy.

OP you need to come back and tell us why you haven't met her

Are the younger siblings much younger? Is your house chaotic and loud? Messy?

Maybe he prefers somewhere quieter. Maybe he feels like he's only wanted to babysit. Maybe he wants to feel more grown up

But he's right, you aren't considering his feelings. Only yours and how he isn't meeting your expectations which you won't compromise on.

Is it weird to visit her nan? I've visited a previous partner's nan and plenty of exes in the family visited mine when she was alive....

I'm in exactly the same position as you, i understand the pain.

My DS is spending part of Christmas day with us, but only as we are going Grannys and he doesnt want to upset her. Has no interest in seeing us unless his GF is busy and he has nothing else to do, so we wont see him again over christmas.

I asked if they'd like to come here for dinner Boxing Day and i just got nasty messages about the pressure im putting on him. I've decided to go LC with him for my own sanity and happiness.

Its really really hard, but this is a terrible age when they get their first serious girlfriend. My other DS17 is absolute dream child, so my chirstmas will be with him and other family.

Ah, I do understand where you are coming from and I can sympathise, but it's typical. He will see it that he is "always at home" as it's you he lives with. You are wanting more actual interaction.

My DS works nights so is asleep mostly during the day and is on a completely different eating schedule. My dinner time is his breakfast time. He eats his dinner when I am getting up. So we frequently don't even eat at the same time.

So I have to bite my tongue when he goes to stay elsewhere on the weekend when he isn't working and I thought it would be nice to cook a meal he likes and we eat together.

But that doesn't mean he doesn't care about us, he is just finding his feet in life.

This is the first of many Christmas Days he isn't going to spend with his mummy, and there isn't anything self-centred about it. I don't really understand why some women want to keep their children in a state of perpetual adolescence, growning up and having a serious relationship is a positive step in your child's development. OP's son has spent the first 17 Christmases of his life with his nuclear family, and there comes a time for everyone when it's not an automatic assumption that they are spending Christmas with their parents, and choices between venues have to be made. My husband and I spent Christmas alone in our own house without anyone's parents in our first year living together when I was 18, which is surely horrifying to some.

When your children become adults (the state of being, not the legal age), you need to develop a new relationship with them that doesn't include you acting like a spurrned lover when they get a boy/girlfriend.

And just practically, if this young couple want to be together at Christmas and they don't have their own house, they are obviously going to have to choose one of their families' homes to be in. Given it's unlikely that OP's son's girlfriend has four siblings, it seems clear why they've chosen her family's house.

Well you're now the dreaded MIL that you read so much about on here!!

In 9 months, you haven't met his girlfriend?? Why? Have you never invited her over?