People turning up without warning- rude?

[notedbiscuits]

I find this behaviour rude and thoughtless. As the homeowners may have plans themselves or in the midst of a cooking marathon esp this time of the year.

Be nicer for them to message/call saying are you available to have a chat as in the area etc.

If you are one of those people who turn up at others without informing them first. Why do you do it?

I think it's a real shame that some people are so easily triggered by surprise visitors. I too am non English British. My family and friends don't need permission to visit. If I'm out no big deal. I'll catch them another time.

I agree, I just have a very difficult and manipulative relative.

So just to be clear, it's rude to turn up unannounced and on many threads it's rude to phone someone unannounced. Meaning you'd need to text, to ask permission to call, to ask permission to visit. Once arriving outside you'd need to text again for permission to come in as ringing the doorbell is rude.

I'm amazed some people get any visitors at all.

Here is Elizabeth David on the subject.

”And if any of those marauding bands of persons who apparently roam the countryside calling themselves unexpected guests appear at my door - well, they’ll have to make do with soup and an omelette and a glass of wine to help them on their way to their next victims.”

We’ve literally just had someone knock on the door unexpectedly, most wonderful surprise! I offered them to come in for a coffee despite the house being a pre-Christmas mess and they declined so we had a short doorstep chat. All of us our happier for the encounter!

But that’s exactly it - that’s why we say it. It’s funny and useful. On the same list as ‘skip to the end’ and ‘keep your hair on’. My friends and family actually like each other, we can be direct and friendly and silly at the same time. I’m not going to say it if you popped round to tell me your house has burned done and you can’t breathe am I?

I am neither sad nor anxious, why would I?

I have a full time job, kids, hobbies, friends, things to do.
My personal observation is that it's never your really close friends and people you love who turn up without warning and mess up your day. It's people that you really don't miss that day 😂

It is not about being pathetic. Just controlling your own destiny. I speak to people on the street, it can be lovely to talk to strangers. I love to explore. What I do not like is someone intruding in my personal space when I have decided to have some chill time.

I like visits, and visitors, sometimes. I want to choose those times. I am not anxious, I don't need therapy. I am sociable. But I also am knackered. I give a lot of myself too friends and family. My job takes it out of me too. I very rarely get quiet time to myself.

So if someone decides that they want to disrupt that time and randomly calls, they will find that I won't be answering. It is really fucking rude.

That must be difficult, I'm sorry.

Ha, luckily that's not my experience - it's pretty much always people I'm more than happy to invite in, and if I'm not, I don't have any issue in telling them to (politely) bugger off, lol.

Yes, this. IME it has been people who you aren't that close to who do this. When they're not too close, it isn't comfortable to be in your pjs, the house not be presentable. The people they do this to as well would never do it to them. I had a friend who would do this to me, then complain when people did it to her. Close friends and family are close because they are nice, and actually respect your boundaries.

Thank you so much, it really is. He is a distant sibling, close as dcs, but not as adults. He is manipulative and will moan to dm, who will then "tell me off." I'm in my late 30s fgs! I think this is a whole new thread though, maybe the stately homes one 🤣

It's so easy to send a text. Neglecting to do so is rude and entitled behaviour, unless the person you plan to visit is living off-grid.

I am known for being very sociable and have excellent social skills,no social anxiety. I think someone randomly calling lacks social skills.

And yes, someone randomly calling gets ignored. We are at the back of the house and wouldn't even hear probably.

Oh dear - I'm an only child so never had to worry about any sibling dynamics!

Hopefully you get to a place where it's easier. DH doesn't have a great relationship with his siblings either but luckily they never show up unannounced

I think this depends, like all things social, on the people involved, how well they know and like each other and how informal they are.

Why are you amazed people get any visitors at all, when some people are saying they don't want them? Hardly shocking it is?! You seem to be amazed very easily! 😂

The stranger started the conversation with me on a train. An old lady, who told me she often gets lonely and enjoys a chat. So you've assumed I made a stranger talk to me in the same manner as the Ancient Mariner strong-armed the Wedding Guest into listening to his tale? How arrogant and stupid of you.

Plenty of people on MN state the opening the door or anwering a phone without weeks of notice would be too anxiety inducing. My remarks are based on experiental experience as well as this site. I don't rely on the Fail as much as you obviously do.

I think this is a huge part of it. I also think it's a bit of a generational thing. The older generations that I know are much more get up and dressed and stay dressed all day, while millenials and younger seem to prefer to be comfortable at home in leggings, joggers, hoodies, oodies etc. I'd always dress properly to go out, but I dont want to wear jeans and a smart top at home!

Yes! Makes you feel nostalgic for Covid times.

We had a completely unused room in our house when I was young ('the front parlour') as my mother was always scared that 'the minister might come round' and the rest of the house be a tip. Needless to say, he never did.

It doesn't cause me stress or anxiety, nor am I "triggered" by unexpected visitors. It's just not convenient.
For example this afternoon I am enjoying having the house to myself (a rare occurrence) and watching what I want on TV, reading and just switching off from a busy time.
The last thing I want is unexpected visitors popping round to interrupt my precious "me time"

I am not afraid of people, I am not anxious, nervous or terrified. I am not ashamed of my house, being in my pajamas, not having my hair washed.

What I am protective of is my time and my energy. I absolutely refuse to entertain anyone who does not give me prior notice of their arrival. I will NOT be forced to bring people into my home at the time THEY see fit without checking to see if I find it convenient. Why is their time more important than mine? Why is their spare time automatically meant to match mine?
I will gratefully receive visitors at a time we BOTH agree on and not when they decide they are at a loose end, want to pass the afternoon or simply happen to be in the area. I would never do that to anyone because it is rude so if you decide to do it to me, I won't be in, no matter what noise or life you see in the house. So you can take yourself back down the path and use your manners the next time.

I am Irish and we have similar expectations. There will be tea and food. It feeds into me not answering my door unexpectedly.

Guess it depends on who is at the door 😂

I would go as far as to say it is devious. These days most people can a least send a text to ask if it's OK to pop over. Giving no notice is complete deliberate. It's like they want to catch you unawares. My mother in law said she didn't want to know us unless she could pop over any time she wanted without notice and take the kids out.
I wouldn't even pop back to my family home to my mother without prior arrangement. It's good manners and thoughtfulness.