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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

People turning up without warning- rude?

491 replies

notedbiscuits · 21/12/2024 10:46

I find this behaviour rude and thoughtless. As the homeowners may have plans themselves or in the midst of a cooking marathon esp this time of the year.

Be nicer for them to message/call saying are you available to have a chat as in the area etc.

If you are one of those people who turn up at others without informing them first. Why do you do it?

OP posts:
CyranoDeBergerQuack · 21/12/2024 14:10

fantastiq · 21/12/2024 14:05

I would go as far as to say it is devious. These days most people can a least send a text to ask if it's OK to pop over. Giving no notice is complete deliberate. It's like they want to catch you unawares. My mother in law said she didn't want to know us unless she could pop over any time she wanted without notice and take the kids out.
I wouldn't even pop back to my family home to my mother without prior arrangement. It's good manners and thoughtfulness.

Devious.
Catching you out
😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄
Oh god, this thread had become more hilarious than ever
Sadly, people with this attitude sometomes have children

StrindbergsSonata · 21/12/2024 14:14

When DC1 was a small toddler who was under the weather and I was pregnant and poorly with DC2 I remember one friend pitching up at the door unexpected with her DH in tow and a Christmas present for my child. I'd just got the toddler down for a nap, felt awful, was in PJs and needed to sleep. I was just going to ignore but she kept ringing the doorbell incessantly shouting 'her car is here so she must be in' and then started ringing my mobile that was within earshot. Toddler was woken by all the noise and started crying. I was so furious. I opened the door and let them in but was a bit frosty. They sat for an hour drinking tea telling me all their news, saying I looked ghastly and letting their own toddler run riot around my house. We weren't friends much longer after that.

CoolPlayer · 21/12/2024 14:15

i agree with just texting or ringing to check it’s okay to pop over (giving the person chance to make an excuse if it isn’t) and I agree with this even more when people have a baby x

Snugglemonkey · 21/12/2024 14:17

SweetBobby · 21/12/2024 13:39

So just to be clear, it's rude to turn up unannounced and on many threads it's rude to phone someone unannounced. Meaning you'd need to text, to ask permission to call, to ask permission to visit. Once arriving outside you'd need to text again for permission to come in as ringing the doorbell is rude.

I'm amazed some people get any visitors at all.

No, you are deliberately trying to make people out to be weird whenever all they expect is a text to check it is ok. It is really not hard!

flakesofcorn · 21/12/2024 14:19

It's so easy to pick out the CF's who just turn up at people's doors and expect to be invited in whenever they feel like it with no regard for what the other person might be doing. Absolute arseholes.

ChristmasfoodisOverrated · 21/12/2024 14:20

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 21/12/2024 14:10

Devious.
Catching you out
😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄
Oh god, this thread had become more hilarious than ever
Sadly, people with this attitude sometomes have children

Oh, you have to watch the devious ones. Thank god for doorbell cameras 😂 We have a speaker on ours, not sure they all do? "Please vacate the doorstep, back it up, I'm in the bath..."

StarryPotter · 21/12/2024 14:24

It’s a thing of the past for sure.

I remember when I was younger, my aunty & a couple of my mums friends would drop by unannounced, usually just a quick visit. My mum never seemed to mind and they would usually just sit in the kitchen with a cup of tea for a natter.

I prefer a quick text/phone call first. At least give me half an hour to make myself half decent or give the living room a quick tidy! (It’s usually covered in toys)

ReignOfError · 21/12/2024 14:35

I’m old, it’s been normal all my life, and still is, thankfully.

indeed, I am always a bit baffled if I find out a friend was nearby and didn’t pop in.

Resilienceisimportant · 21/12/2024 14:39

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 21/12/2024 13:27

Also, does anyone actually say 'use your words' in real life?! 😂 Sounds so naff!

Sure they do - to toddlers. That’s it 😂.

Resilienceisimportant · 21/12/2024 14:40

TiramisuCheesecake · 21/12/2024 12:44

If I am in the middle of something, I am not interrupting my day.

This is so arrogant, so lacking in give and take. Honestly, if you want to have good relationships with other people, whether friends or just members of the public, it's give and take. This idea of never putting yourself out for anyone else in any situation whatsoever is just so alien to me.

Isn’t this exactly what is wrong with the world these days. People think of themselves first and foremost and then others.

Elliania · 21/12/2024 14:41

I hate it. When we first moved into our flat (I think we'd been there less than a fortnight) one of my partner's Mum's friend pitched up on the doorstep with her three kids (1 adult,2 older teens). I'd barely met this lady, never met 2 of her children, we were in the middle of a cleaning session, there were boxes everywhere and we were both dirty, sweaty & tired.

But they "wanted to see what we'd done with the place." In 2 weeks. I was really unimpressed.

Topsyturvy78 · 21/12/2024 14:43

StarDolphins · 21/12/2024 10:58

I’m about to do this today! 😆 I will be dropping a gift bag of sweets & chocolate off & gift for their dog at my friends. I don’t want to pre warn her as I do t want anything in return. I will just drop, small chat & leave her to her day.

Make sure you tell them it's chocolate's so they know to put it out of reach of their dog. One of my friends dogs ended up at the emergency vets Christmas day night. Her dad had left some dark chocolates behind the sofa.

butterpuffed · 21/12/2024 14:47

notedbiscuits · 21/12/2024 10:46

I find this behaviour rude and thoughtless. As the homeowners may have plans themselves or in the midst of a cooking marathon esp this time of the year.

Be nicer for them to message/call saying are you available to have a chat as in the area etc.

If you are one of those people who turn up at others without informing them first. Why do you do it?

I find it odd that you're asking on other people's behalf .

ueberlin2030 · 21/12/2024 14:49

Resilienceisimportant · 21/12/2024 14:40

Isn’t this exactly what is wrong with the world these days. People think of themselves first and foremost and then others.

It's fine to put yourself first though.

Resilienceisimportant · 21/12/2024 14:51

fantastiq · 21/12/2024 14:05

I would go as far as to say it is devious. These days most people can a least send a text to ask if it's OK to pop over. Giving no notice is complete deliberate. It's like they want to catch you unawares. My mother in law said she didn't want to know us unless she could pop over any time she wanted without notice and take the kids out.
I wouldn't even pop back to my family home to my mother without prior arrangement. It's good manners and thoughtfulness.

Devious? No come on. Surely that was just a poor choice of words…

Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more
adjective

showing a skilful use of underhand tactics to achieve goals.

There isn’t a big conspiracy to catch you out or ruin your day.

The catastrophising language that is used at times to try and make a point is growing and frankly poor.

Oxford Languages and Google - English | Oxford Languages

Google’s English dictionary is provided by Oxford Languages. Oxford Languages is the world’s leading dictionary publisher, with over 150 years of experience creating and delivering authoritative dictionaries globally in more than 50 languages.

https://languages.oup.com/google-dictionary-en

GoldenLegend · 21/12/2024 14:51

I think some people turn up without warning because if they warned you, you'd have the chance to say 'no' to them.

Personally I don't drop in but if someone turned up I could provide coffee and a biscuit, I suppose.

Resilienceisimportant · 21/12/2024 14:52

ueberlin2030 · 21/12/2024 14:49

It's fine to put yourself first though.

Of course it is and then the whole world only thinks of themselves and everyone is selfish.

NZDreaming · 21/12/2024 14:52

I’m currently in the middle of decorating my very small house so there is stuff everywhere and I look a mess. Even in this situation I’d be happy if someone turned up at my house, I’m terrible at making plans and am all for spontaneity. I’d probably stop and have a cup with f tea and carry on with what I’m doing while chatting.

If someone turned up and I genuinely didn’t want to see them then I’d just not invite them in, why does it need to be a big thing? I do understand some people don’t like others in their home unless it’s showtime ready but I’d never have anyone over if that was the case!

GoldenLegend · 21/12/2024 14:53

Resilienceisimportant · 21/12/2024 14:51

Devious? No come on. Surely that was just a poor choice of words…

Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more
adjective

showing a skilful use of underhand tactics to achieve goals.

There isn’t a big conspiracy to catch you out or ruin your day.

The catastrophising language that is used at times to try and make a point is growing and frankly poor.

Edited

You've clearly been fortunate enough not to have been subjected to such behaviour.

Go, you.

TheDowagerCountessofPembroke · 21/12/2024 14:55

Unprecedentedusername · 21/12/2024 13:39

Here is Elizabeth David on the subject.

”And if any of those marauding bands of persons who apparently roam the countryside calling themselves unexpected guests appear at my door - well, they’ll have to make do with soup and an omelette and a glass of wine to help them on their way to their next victims.”

But she didn’t say that she sat there and refused to answer the door because the person in question hadn’t sent their request in writing 3 business days before.

biscuitsandbooks · 21/12/2024 14:56

ueberlin2030 · 21/12/2024 14:49

It's fine to put yourself first though.

Well, sure, but then don't complain when your friendships fade and people stop bothering to try because you keep prioritising yourself.

MereDintofPandiculation · 21/12/2024 14:57

notedbiscuits · 21/12/2024 11:00

That’s fine - a few minutes chat at door is reasonable. But expect them to make lunch etc is wrong.

Those of my friends who just drop in do it on the understanding I may ot be available. They certainly don’t expect lunch.

Many of the complaints about people who drop in use phrases like “expecting to be entertained”. If they’re doing the dropping in properly, they don’t expect anything. And OP should be able to say “sorry, I won’t invite you in, we’re having a difficult day”

TowerBallroom · 21/12/2024 14:58

PosiePetal · 21/12/2024 11:02

Completely agree. Sometimes I wonder what the world is coming to.

Eh?
I have no idea why arranging to have a mutually agreed day or event with family or friends is so terrible?
It's what our family have always done
" Sunday lunch at ours next week, perfect"

" what the world is coming to"
What????
Checking if you can pop round is wrong?
Well I never 😂

TiramisuCheesecake · 21/12/2024 14:59

biscuitsandbooks · 21/12/2024 14:56

Well, sure, but then don't complain when your friendships fade and people stop bothering to try because you keep prioritising yourself.

Exactly! Or start threads moaning about how friendless you are.

MereDintofPandiculation · 21/12/2024 14:59

GoldenLegend · 21/12/2024 14:51

I think some people turn up without warning because if they warned you, you'd have the chance to say 'no' to them.

Personally I don't drop in but if someone turned up I could provide coffee and a biscuit, I suppose.

You can say “no” if they turn up.

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