People turning up without warning- rude?

[notedbiscuits]

I find this behaviour rude and thoughtless. As the homeowners may have plans themselves or in the midst of a cooking marathon esp this time of the year.

Be nicer for them to message/call saying are you available to have a chat as in the area etc.

If you are one of those people who turn up at others without informing them first. Why do you do it?

Yeah this. ^ I think some people assume that most women have fuck-all else to do except let any uninvited random in, and entertain them for hours on end. Men are never expected to do this.

Also, MY 2 DC would never turn up without letting us know first - and we wouldn't do it to them, as we live 20 miles apart. Imagine just rocking up uninvited/unexpected, and they're not in (or WE are not in!) What a waste of time, and petrol!!! Also, they AND me and DH do actually have a life/a job/hobbies/commitments etc, and often would not be able to just drop everything.

Just turning up at someone's house uninvited/unexpected IS entitled and arrogant, and frankly a bit daft. It's not the 1970s anymore. Women are busy, and have jobs, hobbies, other commitments, and a LIFE!

In my family we dont need to make any appointments to visit.
Day or night just turn up.
Call we pick up message we message back if not we will get back to you.
Lifes to short.

On Christmas Day (!) last year, my husband and I were relaxing at teatime when there was a knock at the door - his sister, unannounced, with a Christmas card for us! Christmas day!

We invited her in, of course, offered her a drink - she declined, she was driving, so a cup of tea/coffee - no, she only has oat milk (we didn't have any), so a fruit tea (we've got 6 types) - no, she doesn't like tap water. A mince pie - no, she doesn't have gluten. She ended up with a bottle of water! Hope she doesn't turn up this year (she has got family and had been with them for lunch)

@Snugglemonkey Great post! I'm very sociable, bubbly, happy out of the house, people get loads of my time. But hate popperinners. I need my sanctuary and chill time, my home is an escape from the noise of life.

Clearly your FIL has nothing else to do but welcome unexpected/ uninvited visitors, and entertain them all day.

Some people are very busy with work, hobbies, family stuff, other plans.

I can't understand why some people are not getting this ...

You can tell who are the busy people with full lives on here, and who are the cheeky popper-inners who have very little to occupy themselves.

I do know why that is hard for people who pop in to understand. It is not about being weird or unsociable, or anxious. When you don't get a lot of peace, it is wrong for people to take it away.

We used to know this couple in our village who were an absolute NIGHTMARE for turning up uninvited. When we didn't answer, (because fuck off we're busy and CBA entertaining you for 3 hours!) we would get a text or phone call from them while they were in our garden. Fucking weirdos! 😆

We would just message back and either say we had a tummy bug, or we were getting ready to go out.

We even had HIM turning up at 9am on fucking VALENTINE'S DAY one time when me and DH had just got up, and were having breakfast, asking us if we have any fucking MUSTARD! We said 'err no sorry...' (We did, but weren't giving him our only pot!) He just stood there like a moron, like he was expecting to come in. 'That coffee smells nice' he said. DH said 'anyway, we've only just got up, and our breakfast is going cold. The shop will have mustard! Gotta go.' And he shut the door. Daft twat was standing on the doorstep for about 2 minutes before he left!

Thankfully they left the village in 2022!

Yeah this. Wrong, and entitled, and arrogant.

He's 80, retired with limited mobility and lives alone (widowed) so no, he doesn't have much else to do, funnily enough.

If you actually read my comment (before leaping in to be snarky) you'd see that I was saying why I do it to him - it's not something I'd do to anyone else.

No, not annoyed either 🤷🏻‍♀️
You’re starting to sound pretty riled yourself, though.

Don't!!

But that’s someone you know is comfortable with it. More than that, someone who is actively uncomfortable with the idea of you feeling the need to make arrangements. If you know the person is happy for you to pop in any time, then obviously it’s not a problem to do it.

You (and OP) asked "why do people do this?" - my answer was that I do it to FIL because he actively encourages it and would likely be offended if you called first.

The question wasn't "Why do you do it when people have clearly told you to fuck off in the past" 😉

I love unexpected guests,it is completely normal in my home country. If I'm busy cooking, they sit in the kitchen and I serve drinks and snacks. If I'm tidying or cleaning, I stop.
I think it provides a teaching tool for children in the art of hosting and conversation.
I dislike the expectation of planned visits for its lack of spontaneity.

Door bell rings.
I answer it.
If it's a friend and I have time then I'll invite them in for a tea.
They may or may not have time anyway, usually they're just asking something or dropping something off.
If I'm busy, then we do what they knocked on the door for and we'll "see you soon"

My friends MIL started to do it to her.
Late sunday afternoon when she would be sitting down with her glass of vino in front of the fire.

She asked her to text and not come so late, but she bleated on about family not needing to.

A couple of weeks later they had a match nearby early on the saturday morning and my friend landed in on them even though her husband was nervous. She had her parents with her too.

Her MIL nearly choked and was appalled and started spluttering about why she wasn't called first.
She spouted "oh we're family" back at her with a PA smile.
Her MIL was seething at the state of her and the house being less than perfect.

As they were leaving my friend thanked her and said we must do this again as so many of the boys matches are not far from here.

She nearly choked and said call first, call first, and my friend said absolutely not, we will just pop in like YOU do🤨.

Two weeks later they got their first ever call of a sunday to say they were hoping to pop in mid afternoon.
They were most welcome and a new dawn began!

This. ^ Not that hard to work out. 🙄

I am jealous of my sister, people are always just popping in, including me. Someone always arrives while I am there, neighbours and friends. We rarely have visitors and none unannounced. I would love to have that easy relationship with friends.

My initial post said I was pregnant and poorly , that I felt awful and my toddler was under the weather and had just gone to sleep. I thought that set the scene quite clearly without the reader having any need to resort to mindreading?

Those who think popping in is ok, justify their intrusion with lack of ability to mind read, or know it is inconvenient.

They refuse to see how their desire to have the day they want, does not trump the person they are imposing on's desire to have the day they want.

They don't respond to scene setting. They don't care. Their scene is THE scene.

My PIL's used to do that. I remember once my DH was at work and I'd had a lie in. I just pretended I wasn't in and didn't answer the door. Also turned up whilst we were eating dinner on a few occasions, they lived about 30 mins away so weren't ever really 'just passing'.

That was before text messages became the over riding form of communication though! No excuse for it anymore.

I dislike the expectation of planned visits for its lack of spontaneity.

But why is a visit better if it is spontaneous? Can you only enjoy a meal in a restaurant if they just happen to have a free table when you’re walking past, or do you still enjoy it if you had to book?

I don't think I'd just turn up unannounced but I quite like it when people come to mine. It's always a nice surprise. My loved ones aren't judgy bastards so if everything isn't perfect and I'm slobbing about in my jarmas they're alright with it. My house isn't dirty or messy though and I'd never need to feel ashamed.

Do you mean just knocking on a door of a friend when you're passing, and saying hello and asking if they're free for a chat?

I know that my friends are able to either not answer the door if they're in the middle of something, answer and tell me they're busy, answer and have a 5 min door step chat, answer and invite me in for a cuppa or maybe suggest we go for a short walk.
They are the same.
I think I regard it as making a phone call - ignore it, answer it and say you'll call later, or answer and have a chat.

But it's not just 30 seconds to answer the door, it's however long the visitor has decided to stay, unless you want to risk them getting all hurt when you say you're in the middle of something. And sometimes people are simply too busy to drop everything and entertain. Sometimes they're already entertaining/in the shower/having sex/cooking/taking a dump/in the middle of a row with their partner or whatever. Turning up on someone's doorstep was all fine and dandy before phones, but now that there are so many forms of communication it's basic good manners to check it's not a bad time to visit.

It's all very well and good to say chores can be left for 'later', but for many of us weekends are the only time we have to get certain tasks out of the way. I'd never put visitors off because of life stuff unless I had something on that really couldn't be moved to another date, but at least if I know someone's coming over I can plan a little.

It's so tiresome the way snark about 'appointments' always gets trotted out on thread like this. It's not about appointments, it's about respect for other people's time. And you're coming across as quite an unpleasant person with your dig about introversion too. I hope you're nicer than this irl otherwise I can't actually see people turning up on your doorstep too often, 'appointment' or not.