People turning up without warning- rude?

[notedbiscuits]

I find this behaviour rude and thoughtless. As the homeowners may have plans themselves or in the midst of a cooking marathon esp this time of the year.

Be nicer for them to message/call saying are you available to have a chat as in the area etc.

If you are one of those people who turn up at others without informing them first. Why do you do it?

That's quite a jump.
It's not selfish to think of your own needs.

My in laws were ALWAYS doing this. Often at like 8.30pm when our toddler son was in bed and the like! Once I was alone in the front room breastfeeding my 16 month old and my FIL just walked in the house without knocking. When we moved to a house where you could just let yourself in round the back gate we immediately put a padlock on it to stop the in laws just wandering in. Funnily enough since FIL died my MIL NEVER visits

If she was a friend, why didn’t you answer the door at the first ring and tell her you were on your way to bed, thank her for the present, and shut the door?

Depends how often you do it, surely?

I don't really mind, I only have a couple of people that do that, our neighbours just pop over when they have something to share and I have one friend who calls about once every six months.

Everyone else will text, but I'm open to 'are you around today?' offers, usually things are planned up to a week in advance, only group events with lots of households do we book within a month.

I see my friends a lot more since we all stopped fixing dates that then people would be ill/rearrange/need to travel for work, and we started doing more 'are you around this Sun?' I prefer it too, less chance to cancel!

I am genuinely shocked that you need to make an appointment to visit your own mother.

I would be absolutely heartbroken if any of my children felt they couldn't visit unexpectedly. My children all have door keys and cheerfully let themselves in, and there are exceptionally few circumstances where I would not drop everything to have a cuppa and a chat with them. If I really am too busy to speak with them, then they'd either sit down and entertain themselves until I stopped being busy, or would just say ok, and come back another time/day

Your post has really made me feel sad for you (which you will probably think is me being arrogant, or entitled, or rude, or any of the other insults that have been bandied around on the thread).

But why not eliminate the issue altogether by sending a simple “Hi Pam - I’m in the area later today. Are you free for a coffee if I pop by?” You’ve lost nothing and possibly saved yourself a journey.

I am happy if people also put themselves first. I'm sick of hearing the people pleasers moan about how they 'just can't say no'. Putting yourself first doesn't mean never choosing to help or be kind, it means not being manipulared or forced into it.

A few times my in laws would randomly turn up unannounced while me and the kids were out and my husband was doing a home workout (we had a multi gym,crosstrainer and weights in our conservatory, a workout took my husband all morning) and ended up having a hissy fit because my husband refused to just stop doing his workout to sit and drink tea with them

And dropping in to say “are you free for a chat?” is another different situation

My mum has a key to my house, I do to hers and we would let ourselves in shouting 'hi' if we were passing and not arranging to see each other, usually it's with a text to say 'are you in in 30 min?' I don't mind her coming in any time, she tidies my house and is a delightful person, she's my family and doesn't need an invite, I don't really mind anyone popping by as long as they accept I may be in my PJs and may not be 'hosting' ready.

It’s still nice to see them open presents!

Like I said upthread, that depends how often you're putting yourself first, surely?

Someone who constantly focuses on their own needs or "family time" can hardly be surprised when other people eventually stop bothering with them, imo.

Jeepers....I know it's not really funny but it did make me laugh more than it should.

😂

I've already explained.
Folk who are aware of their own needs are much more pleasant to be around than the martyrs.

@Snugglemonkey this is the case in my husband's culture, people drop in to see each other, often several hours late as it's considered rude to turn up on time, and you as the host are expected to provide food and drink of a particular snack type (e.g. cured meats, cheese) otherwise it is considered very inhospitable. It can be a pain to have these things in all the time, but it's a welcoming type of a culture once you are in it.

Your post has really made me feel sad for you (which you will probably think is me being arrogant, or entitled, or rude, or any of the other insults that have been bandied around on the thread)

It's very PA to feel sadhead tilt for other people when they have zero issue with it.
My DM is very active, busy on loads of committees so I text first.
Common sense!

But there's a difference between being aware of your own needs and always prioritising your own needs.

I'm no martyr and will happily tell people to (politely) bugger off if it's not convenient, but I do accept that friendships and relationships often require a bit of give and take, and that insisting on it always being done "my way" isn't particularly helpful long-term.

Well yes
That's why it works both ways and it's polite and sensible to check first, no?

Hardly surprising . . .

I actually sarcastically congratulated you for maintaining a conversation with a stranger for 20 minutes, after you called people who suffer from anxiety “pathetic”. But we can add arrogant and stupid to the list of insults you clearly need to dish out to feel fulfilled.

Depends entirely on your friendship and your expectations, IMO.

I would personally always send a text, but I'm also not going to get mortally offended if someone knocks while they're passing on the "off chance", either. If I'm busy, I'm quite happy to say so. If not, they can pop in for a cup of tea. No big deal either way.

Prioritising yourself doesn't mean things always have to be done your way. It means prioritising your feelings about a situation, and having a say in when to give or not. It's very healthy.

Yes, but if you always prioritise your feelings about every situation, then you can't be surprised when people stop bothering with you. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who always put themselves first.

A good friendship is about give and take, and sometimes that means putting your feelings aside sometimes, or prioritising your friends' needs, even if it's a bit of a pain or not your first choice.