School raised concerns over childs home life

[Smith212]

For some context my child is 9 asd diagnosed and has had very destructive behaviour only towards me and my home for years now. Co parent situation. My child literally rules me. Breaks my things, rips ALL of my clothes, empties liquids everywhere, destroys his siblings clothes, belongings etc, empties freezer fridges etc and puts the contents in household items such as desks drawers etc. Is physically and verbally abusive to me, very angry in general and defiant won't do a thing I say. If I say something like I'll have to tell dad about you pushing and hitting me it can't carry on (his dad's useless but when I'm desperate he is my only go to to get my child to listen) he will say things like I'll tell him you pushed and hit me he will believe me. I feel totally trapped. So he ends up just getting away with everything. I try consequence no tv etc or no I'm not getting you that new thing you asked for etc.... but nothing works. He has no respect or care for me. His school in so many words told me he's great at school and his dad's so it's my problem. All of the sudden get an email for a taf for concerns around his home life and no information. So have all christmas now to think what on earth has he said now. His dad takes I'm to a dodgy pub 24/7 but you can bet it's me in the firing line. I am no saint, especially as my child Never admits to all of these things which frustrates me more especially when I have nothing to wear for work as it's all been ripped even underwear etc. So yes sometimes I raise my voice- but everything I say he twists and turns. I told him that him ripping my last outfit was nasty behaviour and he wasn't being a nice boy, he turned that in to telling his dad I said I wish he wasn't born and I don't want him over Xmas.... like what the hell can I do!!!???? I have a younger child in this mix who is scared and apologises every time he sneezes I'm worried about his future too. I am hurt that his school and his dad don't seem to believe me (why on earth would I lie about any of this!!??) And now want this meeting... I'm wondering what it could be about and what I'll be accused of next. I am just trying to work and support my kids and I not even allowed to do that. Any insight advice words etc, please.

I think SS will be a good route to get the help you need. I would be honest with them and explain how much you are struggling. Did you know there are respite centres that can offer residential treatment and also special asd focused boarding schools, it does sound like you need a lot of help. Your son will only get bigger and stronger and you need to be honest with SS about him to keep you all safe as he grows. Sorry you are going through this.

Also ask if there are any sibling support groups locally for your other Dc, There is a charity called Sibs.org.uk

Also it's never a good idea just to tell social services you want the child in care at best they would get foster care
And probably not specialised foster care either.

Thanks. The colleague definitely didn’t have money and the phrase “residential school” wasn’t used. She said he was “taken into care by SS because of the risks to her and the other DC. Sorry if you thought I was talking about a school.

I am just wondering what would happen if OP said she couldn’t expose herself and DC to the abuse any longer.

You do need help. This sounds like an awful home life, especially for your younger child.

You say you lay down boundaries and have consequences but I have seen plenty of parents who think they do this but the reality is that boundaries and consequences are not always stuck to, they’re inconsistent and often parents just give in, thinking it’s easier in the moment but it actually makes things more difficult in the long term. I suspect this is the case with you too.

In the meantime, lock away work uniforms and anything valuable or essential so that he can’t have access to destroy them.

This just isn't going to happen though you may as well ask for a pink unicorn .
Posters need to stop with the residentisl options it's just not realistic .

Could he live with his father?

This isn't anything to do with your daughter why are you making this thread all about your daughter?

That was my exact thought too.
Mothers ( and fathers) of sons need to nip any bullying to women in the bud, as a man who is violent to his wife has often been abusive to his mum or sisters.
Patrick Mackay after his dad died ruled the home and his mum and sisters lived in fear of his rages.

Hi OP.

First of all, I believe you.

Second, you won't get help on AIBU or the helpful posts are always buried in judgemental rubbish.

Thirdly, I wish people would stop banging on about "help" and "support". There's very little for mums in this position. Lots of blame and judgement though. I notice the dad has buggered off (very common).

I think your DC perhaps has the PDA profile of ASD? The PDA website is useful. Try their "PANDA" strategies. Your DC sounds both very intelligent and disregulated. That's probably amped up at the moment with the end of the school term especially if they mask at school.

Christmas is a trigger for a lot of PDA kids. The PDA Society website has some tips.

The books The Explosive Child (Greene) and 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Bernstein) are useful for strategies.

I have worked in one as a nurse.
Most of the children had this back story.
It's not always a pink unicorn.

Residential placements can call themselves what they want, they always call themselves specialist and say they work with this behaviour or that behaviour. The reality is they are just care homes, staff might have a bit of training here or there but they're just containing beahviour like this.

There are also issues with the matching between the children that are there and any new child coming in, so finding somewhere is often just taking what is on offer. Then after a few incidents of thechild attacking staff, perhaps making allegations of the staff after the child needs restrainig, criminal damage in the property they'll give notice and then the child moves to the next place and the pattern starts again.

I'm sorry if this has been asked already OP, but how does he still manage to ruin all your clothes etc?

You've been advised many times in the past to put a lock on your bedroom door.

I have read your replies, dear poster. Not sure why you seemed defensive in the beginning. No one is accusing of anything, apart your son who is making up lies but you yourself know that he makes your home life hell. I mean, really , what is here for you left to be defensive of? Take any help you can....the fact here is that you cannot manage this boy and he disrespects you to a horrible extent. Where further you can go into your own relationship with your son - you have to explore this also if you love him and want him in your life

Not only this, but also there have been thousands of cases of kids and adults in such places severely abused for real. The system is broken.

@Smith212 you shouldn't be fretting about a TAF meeting. Your home life sounds horrendous and they are there to help you, not judge you.

See it has a huge positive and see if you can get some support with his horrendous behaviour.

I havea9 year old boy with ASD. He has not once in his entire life said sorry. He separates any wrong doing and it's like someone else did it, and will say "I DIDN'T" until he's blue in the face and totally believes it. Thankfully he's not as destructive as your son, but very impulsive and it's exhausting.

My best mate has a 4 year old with ASD. She involved social services/TAF herself as she was struggling so much as he bites his siblings and is so violent.

If "the system" offers help then take it!

I'm not saying they don't exist I know they do but as the Op,s child is currently in mainstream school ,who don't see a problem realistically her child isn't going to be offered a place in one and even if by some miracle everyone agreed thst a residential school was in the child's best interests, you would have to find one that agreed it could meet the child's needs which can take many months
There are thousands of families struggling
There just are not the resources to to help all families at the level that need it

A psychologist upthread mentioned that all parties involved in childcare for this specific type of a child need to be on the same page and the same measures applied across the board. That makes a lot of sense, because apparently this is what the child needs ...if it was just a nice normal child, you tell them go and do that and that and they listen to you. But they are not. So why the defensiveness.

Agree with @Frowningprovidence, op you have to engage with SS, even if it's bullshit and they are offering you no practical help. The trick is to comply and engage. It's the only way to get rid of them.

A very experienced male staff member of a rehab I knew over many years was exceptional at de escalation of certain situations where someone was very agitated and aggressive.

I have never seen anything quite like it.

He went in calm, totally unthreatening but at the same time very strong.

I asked where he’d learned this skill ( it was amazing to see )

He said working for years in a Children’s Home in London back in the 70’s and 80’s

He said one couldn’t meet anger with anger and it was something he’d developed as a young person not that much older than the children in his care-
He wasn’t taught it- he had to learn how to manage very angry kids.

He had no fear.
Just calmness.

But he credited the children he worked with as great teachers of his technique.

It sounds to me as if you've been so warn down over the years that you need a fresh pair of eyes on the situation.
I mean this respectfully, but it also sounds as if you have backed yourself into a corner with it all. I can imagine it becomes very over whelming and confusing and you really don't know what to do to make it better.
I'm sorry to say but I would be calling the police when he became physical. It sounds as if you have got to the point that there really are no boundaries and that you feel very lost with it all.
My friend had a taf meeting regarding her daughter, it turned the situation around.

Do you have anyone who you can take with you to support you and take your own minutes?

It can be an opportunity to pursue more support. You will be fobbed off, so you will need to be persistent.

Just because the school thinks DS is ‘fine’ doesn’t mean he actually is. They need to be providing more support so you don’t experience the coke bottle effect quite so significantly. If school life was easier, home life would improve too. Remind the school they have a duty under section 66 of the Children and Families Act 2014 to make their best endeavours to meet DS’s SEN.

You can request an EHCNA yourself. IPSEA has a model letter you can use. You may be refused, but you can then appeal. You can get EHCPs even when the school thinks the child is ‘fine’ (hint: they aren’t actually ‘fine’).

You can use the TAF to request a carer’s assessment for you (which you are entitled to under the Children and Families Act 2014) and an assessment under of DS’s needs (under Section 17 of the Children Act 1989). Contact has model letters for these if you want to request them before the TAF or follow it up in writing.

As well as PDA strategies and The Explosive Child recommended by a pp, some people find NVR resources/courses helpful. If you think you might, this can be something you can request at the TAF.

You can ask for a home OT assessment. This can help look at making the house better meet DS’s needs and safer.

Are you in receipt of DLA for DS? If not, apply. Cerebra’s guide is helpful.

How are DS’s eating and sleeping?

I did this had a video of how he spoke to me and sent it to his dad he said it was a 2/10 and what had I done to annoy him.. .classic my son does no wrong and my son knows this. For context in the video he was swearing and ripped a toy from my hand I told him calmly he hurt me that's not kind and he screamed at me he doesn't fucking care and to fuck off he hates me.... so yeah no real help from the other parent. Frustrating. I appreciate all of your suggestions, we have had tafs before, I've rang social services. I've begged for a family worker, I've called every organisation going, doctors, pedestrians, etc etc you just go round and round and then get a letter of useful websites. I think the taf is a surprise as I've asked for help for so long then they basically told me it's my problem and my poor poor son etc...then get a message saying concerns about his home life let's have a taf.... it's hard not to feel like they abandoned me and him filly aware of our struggles and now want the lowdown or to make me feel judged. Don't know what to think anymore x as I said he works round the cameras can't get his destruction on camera really wish I could just so someone could see how bad it is and that we need help