To be dreading the holiday

[nonotchristmas]

I broke up today. Kids off for two weeks. They go to private day nursery but because of the days they do (Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays) they are in Monday and then that’s it, because Wednesday is of course Christmas Day and nursery is closed for a week so the next day they are in is Friday 3rd January.

And I know I’m going to be roasted like the turkey for this but I’m dreading it. Two weeks where I won’t get a single break from them, in the house they fight and whine and the youngest follows me round crying to be picked up all the time. Feeding them is increasingly expensive and challenging. Entertaining them is a nightmare, I’ve booked a few things but everything is so expensive again with a Christmas premium on it, I know I’ll get told to ‘just take them to the park’ but please don’t: parks are absolutely lethal with a completely fearless preschooler and a cheery but clueless toddler: slippy equipment the slip on and smash their chins open (ask me how I know) so soft play it is, again and again and again.

But it’s the day in day out nature of it. It’s knackering and two full weeks of it is hideous. And expensive. And help me

That's so unfair. The OP needs to take responsibility for her own mental health and seek help.

Because that’s so easy to do when you have two small children and a job and a husband that does nothing to support you and NHS counselling waiting lists are 6 months.

It's a wild place this MN- OP, I'm sorry you're getting such a lot of flak. I am you and you are me. And tbh you've saved me starting a similar thread so thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Full time secondary teacher here. Knackered. Two boys, 6 and 3. Fight like anything. Husband works really long hours. I've started with the annual tradition of feeling poorly as soon as school finishes too. Beautiful times.

I always feel as you're feeling in the run up to the holidays. Largely because I'm frazzled and really wish one of their hobbies was "watching mummy reading a book". I, like you, will be braving the park and trying to get through each day. I'm not a bad mum because I feel this way. You aren't either. I would just much rather not go to the park in winter if I'm honest. My kids benefit from it though so I will.

Thanks for being so honest, my health visitor recommended this app and sitewhen I suffered from really low mood and loneliness after a pretty traumatic birth with my first born. I've really benefited from the kindness of strangers here but, from time to time, some people feel the need to stick the boot in. I'm sorry that's happened to you today. If I'd started my threat tomorrow as planned it would have been me.

Have as fab a festive season as circumstance allows. I'll be right there with you!

OP I can't believe the nastiness you're getting for expressing understandable apprehension about the holiday and the fact that you need a break once in a while. People suggesting you have some sort of mental health problem because you're standing up for yourself is ridiculous too.

I wish you luck getting through it and hope there are enough moments of loveliness to make up for the exhaustion.

You do realise that mental health treatment doesn't make people in stressful challenging situations suddenly feel good about those situations, right? It isn't like some lobotomising positivity treatment that turns people into Stepford wives / mothers. Just checking you're clear on that.

What do you mean your husband won’t take the kids out?! How has he got away with that? Pack a bag for them and make him do it. Then you can have a rest at home

nonotchristmas · Today 12:25

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 12:16
Can you not see how aggressive you are? Perhaps the GP can help?

Can you not see how condescending you are? Perhaps stopping that would help.

No, I can’t.

I think that you’re struggling more than you ought to be in the circumstances that you describe and maybe need some professional help to get things in focus.

Our kids are adults now but I remember how difficult it was to be at home with them when my husband worked away all week for around 6 years.

I hosted overseas 6th form students for income because of the age gap of our two (nearly 9 years) so with mostly absent husband couldn’t really work outside of our home.

So, had 5, 2-16 year olds to look after by myself for several years.
Of course it wasn’t always easy but I honestly always looked forward to school holidays, If anything, a break from the usual routine made my life a bit easier, tbh. We could just be daft and have fun with no time pressure.

I’m sorry that I offended you but I do think that you are very, very defensive and aggressive. I was usually exhausted. What’ I never did, though, was mentally blame the children. I certainly never hid from our youngest when he needed me.

Again, I apologise but sometimes things need to be said. You chose your husband. You chose (I hope) to have two children. Your husband appears to be your problem and you need to deal with that,

I was one who offered the routine and going out in the morning. Thanks for your rude reply to someone who was trying to help.

Sort out your DH problem now. He won't get any better and he's the reason you feel like this. I've always had 6 weeks holidays off alone while H works and I've never felt like this. Yes 3 and baby was brutal but the minute my H came home he took over for a while to give me headspace.

Thanks. I don’t need MH treatment, just sleep. DH has actually been more helpful yesterday than of late and I’ve also started a (short, painful) period (perimenopause.)

I shall apologise to all those horribly offended by my terrible rudeness in pointing out I don’t need suggestions for ways to entertain my children, I will lie and say Oh wow! Thank you so much, it hadn’t occurred to me to take them out! Mumsnet is just so helpful <simper>

Because that’s so easy to do when you have two small children and a job and a husband that does nothing to support you and NHS counselling waiting lists are 6 months.

It would be a mistake to give the OP the impression that taking responsibility for her mental health is impossible. Getting a GP appointment is the first step (doable), and then likely medication for depression. Very achievable things, which will make her life much better.

You do realise that mental health treatment doesn't make people in stressful challenging situations suddenly feel good about those situations, right? It isn't like some lobotomising positivity treatment that turns people into Stepford wives / mothers. Just checking you're clear on that.

Eh? I am talking about the OP's negative thought patterns (the "it couldn't possibly work" in response to every idea), and her strong negative reaction at the thought of spending time with her children, and her insistence that everything her DH does is wrong. These are signs of depression, and should be addressed.

Everything else the OP describes is just normal life (kids home for school holidays, it's cold outside), and can be much easier to deal with (enjoyable, even), once the depression is addressed.

We have a responsibility to ourselves but also to our families to address our poor mental health.

Young children are very demanding, and it feels relentless. You're tired, and you're resentful about your DH who is, apparently, useless.
This needs to be reset.
You're going to have to be very clear about parenting expectations.

Why do you think you don't need mental health help?

Coupled with starting the peri-menopause, you should start HRT as soon as possible.

You really do need to take responsibility for sorting yourself out.

I would agree with this. However, I think some people don't cope well with "normal life" when it brings extra challenges, and she definitely needs the support of the DH, and they both need to make changes.
Dreading the Christmas break is not good.

@BeatrizBoniface You're going to have to be very clear about parenting expectations. she cannot be clear about parenting expectations because she is too busy being rude and sarcastic to virtually everyone who is trying to help her!! she must be a nightmare for her husband!! god help her if he decides to up and leave when he is sick to the back teeth of her moaning!!

I would agree with this. However, I think some people don't cope well with "normal life" when it brings extra challenges, and she definitely needs the support of the DH, and they both need to make changes.

Agreed.

There are Some good ideas here.
I was one who went to the park a lot ; take a football and if you have a carrier put your little one in that while you concentrate on your older child. I also used to take them to look round the shop windows, choose a decoration and have a drink of milk in the supermarket cafe. I would avoid soft play like the plague pit it is at this time of year. We live only about an hour from the coast so a fiddle about on the beach is bracing and uses up a day. Will your swimming pool be open? That's a very tiring activity that you could do as a family or with your older child. All the usual indoor activities with boxes and den making are good in the winter. Your DH needs to step up but not doing things your way isn't necessarily the 'wrong' way .

You have a point!

@PicturePlace some stuff won’t. But sure I’ll go to the GP and explain my DS isn’t interested in crafts or Christmas films and that’s been construed as my being negative and therefore I need mental heath treatment. I’m sure they will take that very seriously.

And I know that’s sarcastic and bitchy and I’m sorry for it really. But I wasn’t posting from a point of oh gee, these holidays will be challenging, I wonder what great ideas MN have to help me entertain my little munchkins it was more FFS, I’ve got them for two fucking weeks and I am so not in the mood for soft play and toys!

You're trying to be helpful, but the OP has made it very clear that she doesn't want suggestions for activities. See her response at 09.11.....

Well yes, sorry, I don’t. MN fixates obsessively either on putting on puddle suits even when there are red weather warnings in place or on long baths; I think Mumsnetters must have the cleanest kids alive!

What would you like people to say, @nonotchristmas ?
If you don't want children's activity suggestions, do you want relationship advice? Peri support?
You don't want to be with your children over Christmas. What kind of help do you think you need?

Maybe you could work for the next 2 weeks and pay someone else to care for them and do Christmas.

At this stage, nothing. To be honest, I’ve looked back through the thread and I really haven’t said anything that bad other than the last couple of pages which were rude in response to rude responses about me. It shouldn’t surprise anyone that if they make a rude, snarky comment about someone they’ll get one back.

I said halfway into the thread something like ‘anyone suggesting Christmas crafts needs to be forced to sit in a toilet where someone has eaten sprouts for a week’ which was a probably lame attempt at a joke but hardly akin to telling someone to fuck off and really not worthy of all this huffing and self righteous discussion amongst Mumsnetters that I am beyond help because I’m not meekly agreeing that the advice I’ve had is amazing (it’s not) that I’m so grateful (I do actually appreciate many replies and have said so, but some are ridiculous) and that my life problems are now resolved.

Most things can’t be wrapped up (ha) in the course of a thread. It’s a rant, a sound off. I thought it had wrapped up (oh the puns) but I woke up to see a new round of Op Is So Very Rude Isn’t She and bit back.

@BeatrizBoniface i was going to suggest a nanny service or joining a gym that has childcare facilities.
Op people come up with practical solutions as they feel your desperation and want to help.