Boyfriend thinks it ok to say he still loves his ex wife

[Superfrog1]

We have been together for 4 years and we have fallen out over his thinking it’s ok to say he will always love his ex wife but he’s not i. love with her! I don’t think this is acceptable but am I being unreasonable ? They share a 12 year old son and she is in a long term relationship.

I'd be fine with this.

I suppose if that’s how he feels… you can either accept it, or not?! I would be able to understand this.

If it’s upsetting you, tell him to stop saying it out loud.

Depending how they broke up, he might not hate her. And thus he might feel fondly for his DC's mother.

I can think of at least 3 men in my life who did not want their wives to leave, They wanted to stay married and were horribly upset when the wives left.

The process of separation and divorce understandably knocked some of the shine off their feelings but at least one of them would probably take his ex back if she would come home.

Do you ask him or does he say it off the cuff?

I would be ok with it, but I can also see why you wouldn't want to hear it all the time.
Does he only say it when you ask about it, or does he say it on his own

I’ve actually, genuinely never understood the difference!

I think it shows a level of maturity. The idea that you married and potentially procreated with someone you now absolutely despise, isn't the best look.
I personally wouldn't openly use the word 'love' to describe my amicable ex to my fairly new partner. But wouldn't you like to think he'd say that about you if you ever split? Rather than what lots of people do is paint their exs as complete villains. When everything's a two way street.

On one hand it's good that he is being open with you about his feelings.
But on the other hand I would assume that if this is the case her needs etc will always take priority over you if there is any conflict of interest.
You know where you stand, you can't tell him to feel differently, so it's up to you whether you can live with this.

I still love most of my exes, to greater or lesser extents.
Not in love with any of them, wouldn't want to get back with them, but think fondly of them, have happy memories and wish them all the best in their lives.
We're still friends in most cases.

I don't say I love them out loud to my current partner though.

Maybe approach it that way?
That you understand that he does feel that way, but also it makes you feel insecure/sad/whatever it does make you feel, so while you accept he feels it, could he please not say it to you...

I still love my EH. That doesn't mean that I'd ever want him back. We split for a reason. Romantic love would never be on the cards again. You can love ex partners and have other relationships.

I presume you love your children/parents/siblings/friends but don’t want to be in a relationship with them?

I have an ex who became, and has remained, a best friend. I love him dearly. I wouldn't dream of becoming romantically involved with him again. My husband is aware of our past and is fine with it. I think more context is needed about why and when your partner has said this to you about his ex, but generally, I think it's understandable and not something to be worried about.

I think that's lovely actually.
My DH considers his ex and her son family. They were together 14 years and he helped raise her children.
The relationship ended and the romance went.. but I know he still loves her as a family member because she was a big part of his life.
I'd be more concerned if he didn't.
I don't really want relationships with shallow people who feel nothing for people they were with decades (unless it was acrimonious and they were abused or let down in some way obviously then that's different.. im talking about people who just dont give a shit any more about people who once were the centre of their life, purely because they dont want to have sex with them any more)

Does he bring it up all the time, or does he only say it when directly asked?

If it's only when asked then it's fully normal and shows he's a good person. If he's randomly bringing it up out of context then maybe I'd be a bit worried.

I do think we need to accept that romantic love isn't the only kind of love and that loving someone for being the mother of your child and a huge part of your history doesn't mean you love your current partner any less.

Serious answer: to me, being in love with someone is an active process, by which I mean you share emotional and physical intimacy in the day-to-day. You know what's going on for them. You take big decisions together because they affect both of you. You have plans together. You're a team.

Loving someone is much more passive, you can care very deeply for them and hope they are happy, and be very sad if they are not, but you're not necessarily influencing whether that is the case, or even having much of a role in their life or decisions day-to-day.

I wouldn't have an issue with what you're boyfriend says because presumably he means the latter.

YANBU this is horribly insensitive and I would not be happy if he said this to me. I mean just some common sense and empathy would dictate that you don’t tell your current partner how much you love your ex spouse.

Well it depends on why he said it. Did you directly ask him ?

Tbh it's a red flag for me when people absolutely hate their ex. He loved this women enough to have a child with her and doesn't feel anger to him. I think it's a fairly mature way to be.

Unless he's just bringing up that he loves her randomly that it

YABU, unless he brings this up a lot or makes comparisons between you.

One of my dbs divorced and remarried - I'd be quite shocked and think less of him if he didn't still love his first wife albeit now in a platonic, brotherly sort of way.

He feels how he feels. He’s not unreasonable for that. And you’re not unreasonable if you aren’t comfortable being in a relationship with someone who feels this way. His honesty about his feelings lets you decide how you want to proceed.

I can understand that
Sometimes sexual love can turn into sibling love
You still love the person..you just don't want a sexual relationship with them ,so you separate
Makes perfect sense to me

Lots of people continue to love their ex-partners in an ‘I care about their well-being’ kind of way. It doesn’t mean anything to be worrried or jealous over. If anything, it’s healthy as long as the relationship broke down due to differences and not abuse or infidelity or some other toxicity.

Surely that’s a good thing? Don’t you have feelings of platonic love for important people in your life? It doesn’t automatically follow you want to get with them!

She’s the mother of his child and they will therefore always be connected, so it’s much, much better for their son that they’re on good terms and want the best for each other. It takes emotional maturity to acknowledge you can love but not be in love with an ex-partner.

If it bothers you, ask him not to mention it - but your jealousy and inability to see that his feelings are reasonable suggest you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship with a man who already has a child and a healthy regard for his ex.

In what way? “I’ll always love her as the mother of my children,” fine. I would hope my husband would say the same about me even if we split after all the work it took to bring them into the world, feed them and bring them up!

I would rather this than some toxic hateful relationship between them that I would inevitably be dragged into.

Sounds like a mature hethy co parenting relationship. It's his dcs mother and he respects her and likes her and she is part of his life as they have DC.