Boyfriend thinks it ok to say he still loves his ex wife

[Superfrog1]

We have been together for 4 years and we have fallen out over his thinking it’s ok to say he will always love his ex wife but he’s not i. love with her! I don’t think this is acceptable but am I being unreasonable ? They share a 12 year old son and she is in a long term relationship.

Gosh I would hate this. It’s one thing to be respectful and caring but love for me is such a huge word and concept… I would be very unhappy if DH said this about his ex.

He seems a mature guy.

I completely relate to how he feels as will many widows and people who got divorced not because they didn't love each other but because something external drove them apart etc.

I don’t think it’s a case of YABU; it depends how and when he’s saying this. For example, if he gets pissed and wails ‘I still love her!’ I’d be worried he’d put her first if he had to choose between your happiness and hers, or is waiting his chance to reconcile.

If he can say matter-of-fairly that he loves her, but means platonically and cares about her welfare, I think that’s a good thing. I think we can love two - or more - people in totally different ways.

He has clearly moved and as long as he has no interest in getting back with her, I would say the same as the poster who sees it as mature and honest.

It’s the word love that I find inappropriate. I don’t use the world love to describe how I feel about anyone other than my children and DH. I don’t love my friends, though I love spending time with them and I think they’re great and I like them a lot.

He could say I respect her she’s a good person and I’m sure that would cover all the bases but to say I love her I would find that too much.

In the same way I’d might be slightly concerned if he said he hated her, as that’s too extreme the other way.

There is a happy medium

Do you have a problem with him loving his Mum, Dad, child, siblings, best friend? I’m pretty sure that he means he loves his ex in the same way ie he will always care about her and sees her as family.

I would much rather my husband love his ex in that sense, than they were at each others throats and having constant conflict and drama.

I would suggest that rather than falling out with him over it (which sounds very childish) you ask him calmly and maturely to try to explain his feelings to you, to put your mind at rest. It’s ok to tell him that him using the word love makes you feel a bit insecure and worried and that you need a little reassurance. And it’s ok to ask him not to say that again in front of you, as it’s upsetting to you. But I don’t understand why you are falling out over it?

I am in a relationship with them?

You can’t possibly be asking if I want to be in some sort of romantic relationship….with my children??

Love is a very big word to me. I love very few people. Family of course. Friends? I’ve never thought about it. There are one or two I consider family. I think it’s a big thing to say about someone you’ve been in a relationship with. I’m not sure how I’d feel about it.

Loving someone as a core family member (ie, mother of his child) and being actively in love with someone is different. It’s perfectly understandable if she did nothing wrong, there is no bad blood, they just don’t work as a relationship. He will always hold love for her as that person who is an integral part of his life. It doesn’t mean he wants to be with her.

However, from OP’s side I can understand it wouldnt ever be comfortable to hear. It’s ultimately a positive and quite a neutral thing. I’d rather that than he hate her? But yeah, you don’t want him cutting about declaring it regularly. It can exist without being spoken of at regular intervals

I love my exDH, I don’t want to be with him and I’m not attracted to him but we have a shared history and children. I want the best for him and would defend him to the hilt. I love him like family, because he is family with my DC.

I’ve been with my DP 4 years and he told me fairly on that a part of him will always love his two ex girlfriends. One of whom he hasn’t seen in 20 years. It made me love him even more tbh.

A part of me will always love my ex. I love the man I married the man I had children with. The man i spent my 20s and 30s. I don't love the man I divorced. One doesn't exist anymore and one does

In what context?

you say you love him, and he responds “I love you too, and also love my ex wife”

or you’ve asked him if he still loves her and he says yes?

they had a child together you’d assume they would of been in love to do that so I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to say he loves her but isn’t in love with her

Okay - let me rephrase. I presume you don’t want any of them to be your other half/significant other/spouse. There are different types of love, we only have one word for it so we differentiate with love and in love.

But no, of course you don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with them because you’re not “in love” with them. You don’t feel the same as them as you presumably do about their father.

If we spoke (I think) Greek, it’d be easier to articulate as there’s four words for love - but it’s platonic love vs romantic love.

Apparently going against the grain in saying yanbu - its really NOT ok.
Even if he feels it privately, he should keep it to himself out of respect for you. Respect for the current partner comes first, always.

Is the problem that he say it or that he still loves her? If you can’t handle him still loving his ex, you probably need to reconsider the relationship. That won’t change whether he says it or not; not saying it is just papering over the cracks.

I think more context is needed around how this came to be said.

Part of me will always love exdp. He is dd's dad and without him I wouldn't have her and she is absolutely the shining light of my life. Dh is fully aware and has no issue with it.

I am not IN love with him

I do not want to be in a relationship with him

I think you probably need to grow up a bit.

He could have said he still cares about her as the mother of his child . Love is a bit strong . He should have been over her before starting another relationship.

Oh I’d hate that. But perhaps I’m insecure…
Did he use the wrong word and mean more along the lines of ‘fond’ or ‘cares for’?
’Love’ would make me extremely uncomfortable!

"Over" is a strange concept. Emotions just don't work this way for everyone.

Run for the hills OP. He has no respect for you. It’ll get worse.

This. My DP has a late wife, he loved, loves and will love her every day.

I get on fine with ex husband now
lots of water under the bridge- it’s easier for children if exes get on.

I'm on the fence. I mean it's nice when exes still get on, particularly when children or other family members are involved but it would be more respectful to you to have said he cares for her or is fond of.

Not sure I'd use the word 'love', to describe feelings to a current partner about an ex, even if it were true in a way.

You should really tell him in advance if you want him to lie to you @Superfrog1.

Doesn't that depend on whether she asked him? If she did, his reply isn't unreasonable. Or if they were having a discussion about each other's romantic/sexual pasts?